Good friend is dying but doesn't want anyone to contact him

[fiplus4]

Heard this morning that a dear friend's chemo hasn't worked and that he won't be with us very much longer. He's long suffered with depression and the dark cloud has fairly obviously descended with his cancer. We'd been keeping in touch via e-mails and texts but a couple of weeks ago he rang when he knew I'd be out and left a message saying that we weren't to try to contact him again. Now he won't even see his DS. Is there anything - apart from pray - that I could or should do?

sorry i don't have any advice...just wanted to say how for you and all his friends and family

How very sad for everyone.

Are there things that you feel remain unsaid between you?

I think if it was me, I would write to him (a proper letter) and say something like,

"I know you said that you didn't want any more contact but there are things I wanted to say to you. I'm not expecting a reply, but still wanted to let you know how important you are to me etc. etc. etc."

He can choose not to open it, but it may give you some peace.

I sent a letter to my grandfather just before he died because I wanted him to be in no doubt about the depth of my love and affection for him. When he died, it was found in his "treasure box" (an old cardboard box under his bed with his most important documents in!). It was given back to me by my mother and I now treasure it, knowing that he read it.

thats a good idea

Well first of all there's no 'could' or 'should' with this. If it was me and I stress if it was me I would be round there making a nuisance of myself with a close friend because I would know I could for the following reasons:

1. if it was one of my friends with depression then I would know it was the illness talking

1. I would want to spend some of the time they had left with them

1. I would be mentally well enough to be able to be with someone who is dying

If it doesn't apply to you and this is a different situation the please, please do not berate yourself for not going to see him and respecting his wishes.

So sorry for what you're going through

I feel for you - we have a friend in the same position and she's cancelled every visit for six months. I think she doesn't want to see anyone in the state she's in now. Which is barking, we'd love her regardless.

We've written to her and left messages and that's all you can do really. One of the things we've been careful to do though is to remind her partner we will be there for him too and if he needs to talk either now or in the future we are there for him too.

He may well get past this stage, hope so. I know for many people they are raging when they find there is nothing more that can be done for them and they do isolate themselves, but most people come out of it again in a few weeks.

Good luck.

Oh and I'd also say keep on trying because if he changes his mind and wants you around, it's a hard thing to suddenly back down and call.

Send a letter, but realise that what he wants at the moment is the most important thing, no matter how hard it is for you.

Thankfully dh never suffered from depression, but in the end I had to disuade people from seeing him, as dh was simply too ill to cope with visitors.

I can understand that it is hard for you, but it will be far harder for your friend, and in the end, is feelings are most important

We're not even sure where he is as he's been discharged from hospital presumably to a hospice and his ex-W doesn't know which. He's a proud man who was (understandably) vain and I'm sure he doesn't want anyone to see him as he is now. He's probably thinking that he's doing us a favour but, dammit, we're fond of him and I need him to know that we don't give a toss what he looks like. The answerphone message was so angry, though, I know it must have been the depression talking. Just feeling really helpless - which is jolly unlike me who normally goes round dishing out sensible advice

Thank you for your perspective MB.

I haven't seen you around for a while. I thought that maybe you had left in the big kerfuffle! So glad you didn't.

Yes a letter is a good idea - even if because it might help me deal with it. Thankyou

fiplus4

Something that you have to take into account is that he really might not want you to see him in this state.

terminal illness takes different people in different ways, and some of the ways people deal with it may seem strange to people on the outside.

He might be trying to save you pain. On the other hand he may very well not want you to see him....if he was as you say a proud man. My uncle did this.

and in the end you have to respect his wishes, whatever you may think of them

Exactly as MB said, in her last few days Mrs InsteadofMum didn't want any visitors because (a) she didn't have the concentration or energy to keep up a conversation (b) she didn't want people to see and remember her that way.

It was hard for them but they respected it and tired to understand it.

I had to steer people awy from dh in his last few days. He didn't have the energy to cope with them, and any energy he did have I wanted to have for me, the immediate family and most importantly, the kids.

and also on a selfish note I couldn't cope with people seeing him, and collapsing from grief. and Dh didn't need that happening around him. It was hard enough as it was.

Just to let you know - our friend died this afternoon. His DS did see him briefly, for which I am so glad.

So sorry fiplus4 {{{}}}

Sorry for your loss fiplus4 - you were a good friend and have nothing to regret.

Oh fiplus4 I'm so sorry to hear about this.

He was so special to my family. He came running when I went into labour with DS1 at 31 weeks and DH was away on business and we were thrilled when he agreed to be DS1's godfather. We're really going to miss him.