Advice appreciated - is 6 too young to attend grandads funeral???

[islandgirl]

My dad has died very suddenly and both my children saw a lot of him and are very sad! He is going to be cremated and my 8 year old is adamant he wants to come to the funeral, and my 6 year old as well. I feel they might be a bit young as I dont want their last memory of their grandad to be in a coffin, but I don't want them to think that I stopped them saying goodbye. Any thoughts would be helpful.

sympathies to you for very sad loss of your dad... it's a dificult one, but if they have expressed a desire to be at the funeral then I think they should attend. You might like to explain what happens with the service so that they feel comfortable about that and seeing the coffin. My ds is 11 and recently attended his beloved grandad's funeral- he was very quiet but I think he was glad to be there. He wrote and illustrated a poem which we handed out afterwards.
Hope everything goes well for you and dcs and once again a big hug.

Firstly I am so sorry for your very sad loss. For what it's worth I know exactly what you are going through.

My dad died suddenly last year just before Christmas. He had a church funeral followed by a short service at the crematorium. I took my children (aged 7 and 4) to the church and I definitely think it was the right thing to do. It obviously was upsetting for them (particularly my elder daughter) but I felt it was important they should have a chance to say goodbye. I didn't take them to the crematorium though - it was a very short service and I felt there was no need.

I would explain exactly what is going to happen at the service and if possible maybe visit the church/crematorium in advance so it is not too overwhelming.

Hope all goes well.

when my sil died my 6 year old neice ( not dead sil daughter) attended funeral.
at the time i did not think it was a good idea but i was proved wrong. she did have a few questions in car on way home and was upset to see the family crying but as soon as we got to the wake and she saw the buffett she seamed to forget. i think we can forget how differently children deal with things

I think it entirely depends on whether they want to go. If they do want to I wouldn't try to stop them.

Just because their "last" memory of their grandfather will be of his funeral doesn't mean that is the only way they will remember him in years to come.

I do feel quite strongly though that children should not be overly sheltered from the cycle of life and have had vehement disagreements on this topic here. I know a lot of MNers would strongly disagree with me.

My condolences for your loss.

I would definately take their lead, and if they express a desire to go then it is a positive thing. Recently lost my Dad, and DDs (3 & &7) came. A few days before my 7yo heard me talking to DH about going to see my Dad at funeral home and she asked if she could come. that really shocked me, but we talked to her in great depth about seeing him and she still decided to come. It was deeply moving seeing her kiss him goodbye, and certainly didn't scar her in any way, infact I think it was the right thing for her. she was extremely close to him and had been in Spain when he died so felt she wanted to see him one last time, although she did say 'wouldn't it be funny if he suddenly sat up and said boo'. It might seem a step too far for some, but she is very emotionally mature and had seen him through the last four years of his cancer so had seen some really tough scenes before.
At the funeral, she chose a 'Grandad' poem for me to read, and she came and stood by me as I read it for her, I was SO proud of her that day.
On the other hand, for my 3yo it was a fun day out! She sat in the pew making a trumpet out of the order of service, saying 'is grandad in that box'. A few weeks ago we were behind a hearse in some traffic when she piped up 'some one else is using grandad's box now, can we go to their funareally too?'. She also now refers to the hearse as a wedding car because they have lots of flowers in.

I think that you know your own children best, and as long as you keep talking and know how they are feeling it can be a truly positive experience, and such a source of strength to have them around you and your family on such a sad day.

sorry for your los.i would go on individual child-i dont think we can answer.if they did go would you have someone able to take them out if theydidnt cope?also id worry about them seing you and other members of your family upset-do you think theyd cope with that?

i think only you can decide how your children will be.

Sorry, didn't mean for that to go on as long as it did. Forgot to mention there are some fantastic poetry sites which have some really appropriate poems for this kind of occassion and my DD really felt involved in being able to choose her own poem for him about how she felt, she even personalized parts of it to fit her memory of him, very emotional

Both mine have also attended a funeral at an early age and it didn't affect them but help them to understand how final death is. I'm so sorry for your loss and it must be really hard for you to think clearly of what is best for your children. As others have said take their lead - you know them best and what they can cope with. I also think children have very vivid imaginations and if they dont go will their imaginations go into over drive on what they think is happening.

Thank you all so very much. As always - the advice is helpful and brings up issues which I had never thought of such as if they don't go will they imagine something far worse!!!! xxxxxx

When my FIL died I was against taking dc's, who were 6 and 10 for various reasons, but actually I was completely wrong and it was most definitely the right thing to do. They were brilliant throughout a long Catholic mass and at the tea afterwards lifted everyone's hearts playing with their cousins. If in doubt, I would say go for it. (They're always a lot tougher than you think).

I took all my children to their great grandmothers funeral back in may, including my then 5yo DS2.

he was not at all bothered by the tears, he knew it was because we were all sad about her dying, altho I am not sure how much he actually understood of the concept of death.

he did make the congregation laugh tho when he quite indignantly asked why we could just take granma home as the box did not look very comfy for her.

MIL was very comforted having all her grandchildren theere (it was her mum that had died), and I would not have had it any other way. nor the children either in fact.....they took great comfort at being able to say their goodbyes in their own way.

i remember being at funerals when i was very young, it normalised them in a way and was helpful to me.

our 5yo went to her brothers funeral

My grandad died when i was 8. I wasn't given the option of going and even now feel cross/upset about it. I wanted to go and say goodbye. I know my parents were only doing what they thought best but in this case they were wrong. I would let them choose.

let your children choose that is

My 7yo DS attended my father's funeral 2 weeks ago and was fine, if somewhat bored.

When he came to my mother's funeral (age 3) I decided not to tell him what the coffin was or what it contained in case it upset him. Turns out he knew all along - silly me!

For practical reasons it wasn't really possible for him not to attend either funeral so I didn't have that particular dilemma but I understand what you mean about the coffin. I was probably projecting my feelings about the coffin on to DS because it was no big deal to him.

Sorry for your loss. My lovely Dad died 3 weeks ago so I know how you feel.

IMO children are often fascinated by the pratical issues surrounding death and can ask lots of questions that we as adults can find upsetting. I think they will probably cope with it very well, as long as YOU can handle their questions.

i think you shoudl get them involved in an age appropriate way

explain what will happen at the service eg uncle john is going to stand up and talk about grandpas life and all the things he did so we can remember them

we are going to have this music/hymn because grandpa really liked it

there will be people there from grandpas office / neighbours. they are coming to remember grandpa and show the family how much they care about them

what would you like to wear - what clothes do you think grandpa would have wanted you to wear to a special occasion like this?

Do you have another close relative or family friend who could look after them at the service and afterwards? perhaps somemone who wasn't so close and wont be so upset IYSWIM. You might be busy speaking to people and supporting your mother etc and it will be easier for that person to field questions etc

we had a relative who was briefed to take 5yo DD home after the service . in fact she was fine and enjoyed talking to everyone she knew. i have seen a 6 and 9 yo behave a similar way at their mothers funeral

i think its actually harder for teenagers than children as they understand more but don't really know how to act and are so worried about what everyone will think of them

Firstly my condolences to you and your family, islandgirl - my dad also died very suddenly, about 8 years ago, and I how difficult it can be to deal with that shock on top of the sadness.

My ds3 was about 3 at the time, and he and his brothers, aged about 5 and 7 all came to Dad's funeral in the local church, and then my wonderful mother-in-law, who came all the way up specially, took the boys back to mum's house and looked after them there whilst the rest of the immediate family went to the commitment at the crematorium.

We felt that it was right for the boys to be at the service, and to hear the lovely things said about their Granddad, as well as having a chance to say goodbye to him, but we didn't want them at the crematorium - my dh in particular thought it wouldn't be a good idea.

I think, from what you have said, that you are having the whole service at the crematorium, in which case I would say that you will know best whether they will cope with it.

I would second Katie's suggestion - my MIL sat with the boys and us during the funeral, so she could look after them and dh could look after me.

Hugs
sunnygirl.