My lovely friend is dying

[heididrink]

She received the news on Friday that her cancer is in her organs and no treatment is available.
I havent been able to speak with her because she has spent the weekend with her family but I am hoping that she will be able to see me at some point this week.
This has come as a terrible shock to everyone as it has happened so fast.
I just need to write down how much I will miss her and what a fabulous friend she has been to both me and DH.
She has been with me for every milestone for the past 20 years and it breaks my heart to think that she wont be around any more.
What do I say to her when I see her?
I am so worried that I will break down and be no flippin use to her.
Can anyone advise?

I am so sorry for you, how awful for her loved ones

Message withdrawn

can you put together a memory box for you both? fill it with pics/ items etc etc....im sure that will say everything you need to say and more...sorry for you

thank you.
I have spent the weekend just staring into space and crying.
I have got to pull myself together before I see her.

so sorry
I have no advice other than to talk and not worry if you put your foot in it (like talk about future plans you have) she will understand and want you to be at ease.

If she were my friend I would start off by contacting her in the usual way that you both have (ie text or email or phone) and take it from there.

Don't worry about crying
You are bound to cry and trying to avoid doing it will make it seem so much worse
[hugs]

The memory box is a good idea because she is godmother to my twins and I dont want them to forget her.
I chose her as godmother because I loved her outlook on life and wanted her to pass that on to my girls.
I still cant believe that she wont be around for very much longer and my DTS are too young to appreciate just how fabulous she is.

I think the memory box is a lovely idea. If she has DCs, then reassurement that you will take them swimming or to the cinema and generally look out for them in the future. And practical stuff - take away dirty washing and return it sorted out, show up with a casserole for the freezer. And the danger of you putting on too much of a stiff upper lip is that she will feel she needs to do the same - blubbing is fine in the circumstances.

This is based on the stuff my mother's friends did for her - she died when I was a teenager - and it made a real difference to her last few months. 25 years later and her best friend still rings me up to check I'm behaving myself .

thank you all for your kind words it is helping being able to talk about her.

heidi are you feeling better now??? can you get your children to make the memory box for you ie pictures they drew and photos etc

barbie I have spoken to my girls tonight and we will make up a memory box.
I have also spoken to a family member of my friend and I will be seeing her on Thurs hopefully.
She has spent a lovely day with her family which has helped me a lot.

Talk to her about her illness if she wants it.Otherwise,just treat her as normal.Laugh about all the daft mates things you have got up to in the past.Reminisce.If she is well enough to go out,take her out for a stroll around,even if she is chairbound if the med staff allow it.The one thing so many preople have said to me is that

1. Sometimes they want to talk about the fact their life is limited but they dont want to depress their friends/family and don't know how to broach it

or

2. They are sick of visitors treating them like they are fragile cut glass and want a bloody good laugh without their rels/friends mentioning the big C word.They want to be normal and go out and wolf down a Maccy D's or go outside and look at the trees and feel the wind on their face.....

I really feel for you. I lost my dad to cancer 8 weeks ago today, and I know that when mys dads friends came around he wanted to be treated as normal. (as possible).

I think its ok to cry and get upset, your friend will know you are not ok.

Just carry on being such a good friend, if your friend wants to pour her heart out let her, if she does'nt then thats ok too.
I don't think I would have got through this last year without my lovely friends, who have been so suportive, never underestimate how important you are going to be in the coming times.

heidi, I am so sorry you are going through this. My friend's sister is in the same position. It is so desperately sad.

Have you thought about writing her a letter? You could tell her how much she means to you as a friend and how much you will miss her. You could also reassure her that you will keep her memory alive for her children (if she has any) and that you will be there as much as you can for them. Talk to her about her fears - she may not feel she can discuss them with her family because she doesn't want to upset them. You may be able to share the burden of some of those feelings.

And don't worry about breaking down. It is going to happen, you wouldn't be human if it didn't.

My best friend's husband died nearly a year ago after a very sudden illness and the one thing I am so glad I did was tell him I would look after his wife when he went into hospital - of course I never thought he was going to die. What I didn't get to tell him until it was too late was what he meant to me and I will always feel sad that I didn't get that opportunity. Sad and tragic as it is, you do have that opportunity.

Thinking of you.

thank you
Her son has been in contact and we have agreed that I will phone tomorrow and visit this week.
They had to unplug the phone at the weekend as there where just too many calls
She is just such a special person and will leave a whole in so many peoples lives.
I am going to miss her quiet wisdom so much

How are you?