Living in a 'grief bubble' - is this normal or totally weird?

[Belgrano]

Hi
I don't know if this is the right place to post but you all seem like a very nice and supportive lot. Some of these stories are so so sad so I thought someone may have experience with what I am going through.
My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, which has spread into secondaries in his liver already despite it only having been there 5 months or so. He's having chemo now but is expected to live less than a year. He was in the gym 4 weeks ago and was due to go on holiday the day he was diagnosed.
I don't have any friends who have been in this situation so don't know if what I am feeling is normal or weird (it seems pretty weird to me). I am basically numb. I cried a lot when I found out he had been taken in for tests, for a week or so, but since then have been in a bubble where I can talk about it and it feels like I have totally accepted it. I hardly even feel sad just like 'its his time' etc.
Having said that I am very close to him and love him dearly. He is wonderful and I know I will miss him so so much. I am trying to spend lots of time with him and call every day to see how his night was (usually not good). I am sad that my DD (18 mo) won't know him as he is a super super grandfather and she loves him so much. But what I'm trying to say is that I ought to be beside myself with grief that my healthy, fit, marvellous, life-loving dad is about to die but I am not.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is it to do with a coping mechanism? I'm worried I am going to suddenly fall apart one day and never stop crying when this all wears off. Or is it possible I really have dealt with it this well and so quickly?
Sorry. Such a long post. Well done if you have got this far!
Thank you if anyone can help.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad.

Yes, I think this is a coping thing. He has been diagnosed so recently that, although you may feel you have accepted it, it hasn't really sunk in yet. Don't feel that you 'ought to' be feeling anything.

Cancer is such a crappy, horrible thing.

My experiences of my own dad's death and FIL were totally different to yours but grief does go through distinct stages, even when the person concerned is still alive.

Coping mechanisms do come into play, beasue hard as it is to hear, life has to carry on.

I clearly remember the feeling of why is everything carrying on as if nothing has happened...my dad has just died ...

You will have bad times - and times when you're ok.

Sorry that was all a bit of a ramble rather than being of any help

Very - take care of yourself

Sorry about your bad news. I don't think there is any real standard for "normal" when it comes to things like this. I think it's unlikely that you will always feel like this. I'm sure there will be ups and downs.
I hope you and your family can make the most of whatever time your dad has left.

Hi Belgrano, I'm really sorry about your dad, there is nothing I can say to you to make you feel better, and I can't tell you that I know how you feel, because I don't. But I can share my own brush with cancer, and the way I dealt with my grief. 3 years ago DH was diagnosed with cancer, just before the birth of our second child. It took just over a month for him to receive his staging, and in the mean time we were in a state of shock. Time seemed to become heavy, and slow. All previous fears seemed some how insignificant (I sailed through labour, telling the midwife I didn't want to upset DH, or worry him).
For us the cancer was not advanced and he is still with me, but the grief overspilled for years after. I compared my feelings to a computer when it goes into safe mode. All of the unnecessary emotions went to the wayside. I did very little crying past the day we were told he was ill. My emotional self had basically cut itself off from the normal me, as though preparing for the loss I feared I was about to experience. I even started pushing DH away through fear of losing him, not wanting to show him how much I love him because I thought he might go (somthing I regret now, because had he not survived I could not have replaced that time). It has taken a long time to get back to on track, but eventually I have. You are in my thoughts, and I hope you receive the support you need, along with the love of your family at this sad time

my heart goes out to you. It is so much to take in and deal with, i know that when this happened with my Mum i was just going through the motions day to day, trying to see as much as possible of my Mum and also being a Mum to my then 4 month old daughter.
I may have seemed cold hearted in the way i dealt with it then because i had to keep going for everyone else and even now i don't think i have grieved for her.
There are no rules for how you should be feeling.
Treasure the time you have together and make lovely memories.

Hi Belgrano, unfortunately I can totally understand what you are feeling. My dad died just over 5 weeks ago after a 2 month illness and during the time he was ill I certainly had a feeling of numbness. It worried me too that it was somehow not normal and did not demonstrate the depth of love I had for my dad. I did not cry and actually felt under stress when I know people were comforting me and expected me to cry. I just held it all in. There were plenty tears after his death and this felt normal. But I have not had a feeling of being overwhelmed (although plenty of bad days and bad moments) with grief. I like to think that this is a legacy of how he and my mum brought me up (i.e. reasonably sorted and able to deal with life's crap) However i do wonder sometimes if it just hasn't sunk in yet, it is still early days I suppose.
In summary; it is totally normal IMO and you will find the best way through this. Best wishes x

THank you so much everyone, this really helps. Cathcat I know what you mean, I actually get narked off when people say sympathetically 'are you ok' - I know they mean well and are my lovely friends but its like 'YES I am fine so just leave that bit of me alone. I'm not about to explore my grief right here with you now, as it would take several years and be messy. I want to talk about Posh spice's hair and your new pregnancy so shut up!'.
Mrs AEK The safe mode on a computer thing really rings a bell too. I think I am trying to be strong for my mum and also must continue going to work, running the house (which is being totally renovated, just to add to things!) and looking after DD. Oh and TTC baby no 2. Perhaps there's just not space to grieve right now so I am in safe mode.
It's so good to hear similar stories. Thank you all. x

PS I meant to say - Cathcat I am so sorry for your dad dying so recently. It must be a very difficult time. I am thinking of you too.

Hi Belgrano, unfortunately I do know what your going through.My dad was diagnosed in Jan, and we lost him 8 weeks ago today, again to cancer in the pancreas with secondarys in the liver.
When we first found out about dad I did'nt cope well at all, and just cryed constantly.
Throughout the last ten months however, I have felt how you describe, totally numb.
I think what I'm trying to say, not very well!, is don't puish any feelings, one day you can feel very sad, another very numb, Ithink this is normal.
Does you dad have a macmillan nurse? I found ours very helpful, she had also lost her own parents to cancer, and knew how it felt to be a daughter and nurse. She said to me don't bother reading up on stages of grief, is a load of rubbish, just feel how you feel, and go with your own emotions, not how you are soposed to feel.
Sorry if I have'nt made much sence. If theres anything I can do just post.
Wishing you strenght xx

So sorry Belgrano. I would say that it is a coping mechanism. Although your brain tells you what is going to happen it is too much to take in. You are doing the right thing by making the most of the time that he has left, something you can't do if you go to pieces at the moment. There is no normal way to feel so don't worry about how you are feeling or how you should be feeling.
It may not help you but I found it helpful to write down how I was feeling, I didn't let anyone read it and I tore it up afterwards but it helped to release the feelings.
My very best wishes.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad.

My dad died almost a month ago. He had cancer of the bowel and died from an infection after the op. He'd only been diagnosed three weeks before.

I feel like I now exist in a completely different world too, totally detached from everyone else and just going through the motions. I am glad to be numb though, it feels like it is helping me to take on board what has happened.

so sorry Littlestmummy, that must have been very hard.

Thank you again everyone. This has been so helpful. You are all very kind and I am very sorry indeed for your losses.

Hi Belgrano,

I have actually just started a new thread which asks a similar question to yours. I lost both my parents suddenly in a road accident 10 years ago when I was 24. At the time, although I cried a bit there was not a massive outpouring of grief and I could talk about it quite calmly. I thought it was shock but it never really wore off. However, some months later I started to experience anxiety attacks for the first time in my life and I know it was down to what i had been and was still going through. I was very close to my parents and, in many ways, still reliant on them when they died. Losing them was just like a sledgehammer to my life. The anxiety attacks continued for years and i still have the odd shaky moment. I don't think that you can lose a parent without it deeply affecting you whatever age and in whatever circumstances. You may not be crying much but I don't think that means anything. Take the greatest care of yourself on this journey. I feel for you so much.

My heart goes out to you, this is such an awful time and I don't think there is any standard coping mechanism. My dad died from lung cancer the month before ds was born in July, it was my first baby and the first granchild, and he was sick for much of my pregnancy. We were told in March he might have up to a year but he suddenly took a turn for the worse and was in hospital for 3 weeks then suddenly gone. I like you went into practical mode at first, and I think denial, both when we got the diagnosis and as he got sicker. Even when we were told he was about to die I kept thinking in the back of my mind he wouldn't really. At the very end reality sunk in a bit and I suddenly thought I just can't do this, then somehow you do. I don't think it all hit me until my baby was about 3 weeks old, horrible. I would echo that Macmillen are great, and I found all the nursing staff really helpful and supportive. You will grieve, but maybe not until its all over, everyone is different and its just your way of coping.

You may be fine now but one day it will hit you like train just be ready for it.
Thinking of you.

My dad died 2 yrs ago to cancer and still not over it.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

Yes, in my opinion/experience its completely normal. When Archie (my DS) passed away some days I could talk normally about it, and feel lucky to have had him for the time I did - other days the bubble would pop and I would feel like my insides had been replaced by stinging nettles and smashed glass.

Its your bodies way of coping, my advice would be go with it, just try and ride the wave.

Sorry, I know thats not very helpful, but wanted to let you know you arent alone in your grief

sorry to hear about your dad.
i think how you are feeling is totally normal
when we are told someone is going to die
i think we go into shock but at the same time can feel that we are ok with it all, this is the pre-grieve stage, the mind only allows us to deal with it a bit at a time and we can do things like go to hospital vists sort out meds phonecall and lots of other stuff, i think its helpful to have things to do whilst your brain works throu it all, it is all difficult stuff to deal with, you can speak to the mac nurse about things, they really know their stuff and can be a huge support, they have a website too really helpful people who know how it is.
take care and go make some more memories.