My dad died suddenly in March of a heart attack. He was my best friend and insporation all rolled into one. I never got to say goodbye to him.
At the time, I coped really well. I didn't even cry at his funeral and read a poem, because my mum wanted my brother and I to put on a strong front for his family and work colleagues etc, I'm not sure why.
Anyway, I took myself off anti depresents (for PND) in May, against my doctor's advice, because I wanted to apply for a place to study for a PGCE (teacher training),and was worried it would look bad on my medical report if I was on drugs for a mental illness. Anyway, I have really thrown myself into my course, knowing my dad would have been proud of me.
All of a sudden, I've found myself thinking about my dad on a daily basis. I catch myself crying all the time when I'm on my own ie. in the bath, when watching TV upstairs, reading poetry or emotive newspaper articles, and I wait for my dh to go to sleep so I can cry myself to sleep most nights- not because I want to, but becasue I feel I need to?
I don't understand my feelings at all. He's long gone, I should be over it now, not grieving all of a sudden.
Am I going mad? Is it caused by coming off the ADs, I really don't want to take them again.
Nobody speaks about dad anymore, it's as if he didn't exist. So why am I thinking about him every waking moment. I'm crying again now. When does it stop hurting? I can't talk to anyone about it, because they all did their crying when he died.