I'm sad about my family

[motherof2boys]

My parents have both died since the birth of my boys - I thought I was managing it but especially since my little son started school this term I have been so sad. I feel so guilty about not being a good mother to them that they are not having the times they should, that they are missing out. I had such a happy life. I still have a mountain of 'treasure' from my parents' house to sort out. I (and they) are (were) Christians so should not have this sense of hopelesness - feeling that can't spend not 30 years iced over, going nowhere.Can't face looking in case can't stop crying. Have no siblings - noone to remember anything with. My birthday next week. Hate this self indulgent weeping - on face of it have very lovely life. I am now seeking help via bereavement counselling but what will I find?

Is the stuff from your parents actually a problem in terms of physical space, if so how about getting a close friend to come and help you go through it? It may be easier if they could take some of it to a charity shop etc for you. If it is not in your way why not leave it for now, as you sound as though you are quite low at the moment. I am sure the bereavement counselling will help, my DH died in June and I have found it very helpful to have someone who is not close emotionally to me to talk to. Sometimes it is very hard for those who love us to see us in pain. It may be that it is only now your son is at school that you have had enough time to begin grieving properly, there is no timetable for this, just be kind to yourself and make sure those around you know that this is a difficult time for you. I am sure they would want to support you. So sorry for your loss.

Your boys are so so lucky to have you as their mother. I have a toxic mother, she is destructive and thinks of no-one but herself. My brother has tried suicide, my other brother never speaks to me and we have just such a destructive family. I'll have a very hard time explaining to my 2 why I don't want them to see their nana or why their uncle doesn't give a shit about them.

But you have happy memories. Your parents loved you and cared for you. You felt wanted and cherished and that's why your childhood was so happy. Your boys also know they are wanted and cherished and so what else could they need?

Treasure what you have, treasure your memories. You are an excellent mother and your boys will forever remember their childhood as being filled with love and happiness.

Celebrate your birthday with joy, for what you do have, not what you don't. Because even if you had siblings, who knows what the situation might be. Resentment and bitterness are so soul-destroying, but your boys will never know of these within your family. They have each other and they have you. So celebrate it with them, let them make you a huge cake, let them show their love for you. You are blessed, you just haven't seen it yet.

By the way I am sure the negative feelings about the way you are mothering your boys are all tied up with what you are going through at the moment. I am sure you are a very good, loving mother, the bad ones don't see themselves in that light. I have found my church very supportive, is there someone there you could talk to, my bereavement counselling has been through my church. Have you tried to pray about your situation, sometimes it helps.

I'm sorry you feel so sad. It is awful to think that your parents won't see your children grow up. I think the little childhood landmarks are very resonant in terms of prompting memories about our own childhoods - I've certainly found that my son's school landmarks (school photos, sports days and so on) make me think of my own mother (who died recently) and my relationship with her when I was a little girl.

Maybe it would help to think of it this way: your birthday should be celebrated, because your birthday is also a celebration of your parents. It is the day that you came into their lives and I bet that they would want you and your boys to celebrate that occasion for them!

There is absolutely no shame in feeling the way that you do. Grief is intensely personal and as Evenstar has said there is no timetable for it and you need to give yourself permission to feel what you feel. It will not hurt your boys to know that Mummy is very sad because she misses her parents. I think that bereavement counselling may help you at least have an outlet for your feelings and is worth pursuing. I am sure that your feelings of hopelessness will not last forever, but you need to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling for as long as it takes...

So sorry for your loss.

Motherof2boys, I may be getting this completly wrong but it sounds to be like one of the reasons you are feeling so sad is that you have nobody to share the memories with - maybe you feel a bit like they aren't real or valuable because you no longer have anybody to reminiss with, etc?

If this is the case, maybe when you do sort out your parents things you could make a memory box. Put in it any things that remind you of something, a smell or a special day, or anything. Maybe little nik-naks that you bought your parents when you ere little, or cards you'd sent them. That way you will actually have physical reminders of memories - and as your boys get older you can go through it with them. maybe, if you felt inclined, you could even writ down what each thing makes you think of, or why it is special.

Try the counselling with an open mind - you might find nothing or you might find soemthing really helpful and supportive. But you won't know til you give it a go.

I hope you start to feel better soon, but in the meantime try not to beat yourself up about your boys (you sound like a really caring mum!) or your faith. x

thank you all for your quick, helpful and kind advice. It has really really helped me.

thanks