The five stages of grief: where are you?

[policywonk]

Following on from another thread, and not wishing to hijack; the five stages of grief are, supposedly:

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance.

They don't necessarily go in that order, and you won't necessarily experience them all, but apparently most people with experience at least two.

My mother died four months ago. I've never been at all angry. I don't think I'm depressed. I certainly haven't accepted it.

What I do seem to be doing is a mixture of denial and bargaining, which is slightly bizarre given that she's long gone. My unconscious mind is constantly burbling something like 'well, you never know what the consultant might say at the next appointment; you never know whether a new drug might become available and change everything.' It's weird (I'm usually pretty rational and literal).

She was ill for a loooong time and defied her prognosis many times over, so I think I got used to this sort of Pollyanna thinking.

The thing is, I don't really want to stop thinking like this. I don't want to accept it.

Anyway... what about you?

Well, lets see, my son desides he wants to be a Marine so he went off to California over a year ago, my husband I plan a trip to Cal to see him before he is deployed. In the mean time I was planning a wedding for my daughter which kept me pretty busy so I wouldn't worry about my son. My trip to California was very brief due to a phonecall from my other daughter crying mom you gotta come home it's Mandi( my daughter to get married) he is dead. It's been 1 month now and still no report of death. They say because of her age they needed to do an autopsy. I'm not sure if tere is such a stage for me at this time. I've went back to work which isn't working. I'm a counselor you would think I have the nanswers.But I don't. My daughter left behind a 5 year who now has no mother and with a father who never wanted her. I'm trying to keep stronge for her in hopes the courts will allow me to have custody of her. I think i am just still in shock and not sure how to handle it.

I'm so sorry to read that, RLUVS. How awful. I'm sure you wouldn't be expected to be feeling much more than shock and grief after just one week.

So sorry to hear that RLUCS - real tough for you {hugs}

BTW I never did the bargaining bit but I've done all the other 4 stages in varying combinations at various times, sometimes all at once or it felt like it. Grief does fill people up with emotion.

Oh dear this is a very poignant thread for me and I am so sorry for all of your losses.

My dear dear dad passed away on Saturday and I am trying to get used to the idea. This mostly takes the form of trying it out in my head and then putting it down and moving onto something less unreal and painful like what to have for supper or whether to tidy the fridge. Is this normal (another stage of the grief could be shock?) or am I mad?

I feel surprisingly calm about it, which is worrying me a bit. It was cancer and horrible for him. 7 mths from diagnosis to death. Cancer gives you time to prepare at least though. He had about 10 days in hospital at the end but other than that managed to live a normal-ish (albeit slower) life almost to the end. I could see how undignified it was about to get and then he suddenly died on the Saturday, before he really entered the indignity.

He seemed calm on the last day, so I think perhaps he knew. Something I feel bad about is that on that last day, for once, I hardly said goodbye to him as I thought I'd be seeing him the next day, had seen him all day every day for the last 10 days, and needed to catch a train. Previously I'd always give a big cuddle and tell him I loved him at the end of every day but on Friday afternoon there was a priest and a nurse with him so I dashed into the room trying not to get in the way, grabbed my bag and said bye over my shoulder. That night he died. I feel bad about that. I feel reassured that he went in such a dignified way, and in his sleep, after such a hideous disease.

I saw him in the cold room the next day and it's so weird how it's not really them isn't it? His body was so cold and 'not there'. I kissed him loads of times and stroked his face and cried a lot and now I feel calm. Is calm a stage of grief?

Sorry to ramble on. It's so nice to find people who might understand. I can't bear to talk to any of my well meaning friends - I don't want to talk about Dad, since their fathers are all still alive so they won't 'get it' and will be sympathetic but it doesn't really help. And I don't want to talk about anything else as it seems so irrelevant. DH is a great support luckily.

I am also 7 months pregnant and have a 2 yr old DD. I am off work for a while (although its up to me how long and I feel so calm that I almost feel like a fraud for not being there). Being off work gives me some space to process but as I said at the beginning, I keep thinking 'I'll pop to B&Q tomorrow to get those catches' or going into Tescos, instead of sitting at home weeping and mourning which I am sure I should be doing.

Any similar experiences or advice welcome - please?

I'm very sorry about your dad, Belgrano.

I think your description of 'trying it out in my head and then putting it down' is spot-on. That's exactly how I was for quite a while after my mother died - in fact I probably still am like that a lot of the time. I'm sort of letting the knowledge seep in over time (it will be a year in a couple of weeks).

I know what you mean about time to prepare, but 7 months from diagnosis is not much time, is it? Not enough. And he must have been diagnosed around the time you found out you were pregnant?

I'm sorry you couldn't say goodbye to him properly. I bet he barely registered it, but of course it matters a lot to you.

I must say, the memory of my mother's body after death is one of the things I look back on now with something verging on horror. It's odd, as I didn't register it as being awful at the time. But the coldness is just so wrong.

I think you should get on with doing exactly what you feel like doing at any given moment - and if that's cleaning the floor, or sorting out your labour bag, or writing about your dad, or anything else, then that's absolutely fine.

I have never visited the bereavement section on here before, but have just sat and read every post

My beloved Dad dies 2 weeks ago, his funeral was yesterday and today I just feel so sad.

His death was so sudden (massive heart attack) and he was only 65. I must have done the searching thing last night and today because I have torn my house apart to find every single photo of him I have and I know there is one missing, it's a lovely picture of the 2 of us and I want it but I can't find it.

I can busy myself with jobs, or chat to friends, but when I am alone my thoughts are consumed with my Dad. I can almost smell him, and I would give anthing for just 5 more minutes with him.

Sorry to everyone on here for their loss.

Life is shit sometimes isn't it?

Belgrano - there is no right or wrong. If you need to go to B&Q then do it - no-one will think worse of you for it.

DrNortherner - So sorry for your loss too.

Everyone - read Virginia Ironside's "You'll get over it". I am reading it at the moment and most of the time it helps a little.

Sorry for all of your losses. x

FWIW - I don't think that there are stages - I think everyone processes every death differently.

I'm so sorry DrN. I think that sudden deaths must be even more traumatic than long-anticipated ones. It really does suck big old donkey's cock (as SGB once said, almost certainly about something else.) Hope you find the picture.

Thanks for the recommendation, LilRed.