The five stages of grief: where are you?

[policywonk]

Following on from another thread, and not wishing to hijack; the five stages of grief are, supposedly:

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance.

They don't necessarily go in that order, and you won't necessarily experience them all, but apparently most people with experience at least two.

My mother died four months ago. I've never been at all angry. I don't think I'm depressed. I certainly haven't accepted it.

What I do seem to be doing is a mixture of denial and bargaining, which is slightly bizarre given that she's long gone. My unconscious mind is constantly burbling something like 'well, you never know what the consultant might say at the next appointment; you never know whether a new drug might become available and change everything.' It's weird (I'm usually pretty rational and literal).

She was ill for a loooong time and defied her prognosis many times over, so I think I got used to this sort of Pollyanna thinking.

The thing is, I don't really want to stop thinking like this. I don't want to accept it.

Anyway... what about you?

ive been at anger since about 1 day after her death. ggggggr

I'm sorry custardo. Yours was particularly awful IIRC.

Oh Custy

my dad died nearly 2 years ago and although I have reached acceptance on certain levels, I still feel terribly sad on some days

I miss him and feel very sad that he couldn't share a retirement with my mum (he was just 64 when he died, the age my mum is now) - both of them so deserved to chill with each other after all their years of hard work and the brilliant job they did of bringing up me and my sister.

My depresion (as opposed to sadness) was pretty acute, and combined with other events, leaving me anxious and unable to cope with even normal things. I took a month off work and slowly things got back to normal.

I think losing anyone you're close to is incredibly hard to deal with

I feel like that about the retirement aspect too, bundle. Mam was 65 when she died and Dad is 70. They both love/d travelling and had planned to spend many happy months in various spots around the Med when they retired. Now my poor Dad is agonising about whether he can bear to go on holiday on his own.

oh policywonk, it's so tough!

mum went to the Italian lakes on her own this summer, friends offered to go with her but she was determined to go by herself and it was successful. She finished work last christmas so she could come and visit me or my sister whenever she wants. She does have some fab friends at her old work though.

Could your dad go on something like an explore holiday - where you do a bit of walking and meet other single people ?

I just reckon to loose a dearly loved one...its the absolute pits. We flounder around, so sad, not knowing what to say or how to act. Ive lost 2 of my 4 sons, grandparents, FIL, BIL etc etc.

Nothing makes any sense...just nothing. I miss my sons so much that it makes me physically and mentally sick

I like the post about the five stages of grief helping us to 'tidy' our grieving. It is messy and painful and disgusting, and we sometimes like to know there's an easy path through it. Although, of course, there isn't.

My little brother (24) was killed in a hit and run four months ago. I'm definitely angry. I can't see myself ever not being angry! I don't want to stop being angry! I've tried to envision myself forgiving the driver (he was later found and arrested), but the thought of it just makes me more angry. Strangely, I find comfort in my anger, as if letting go of it would be letting go of the circumstances, and thus letting go of my brother. Weird.

I think I'm also still in denial/shock. We keep hearing, periodically, new bits of info about the accident, which just serve to push us back to the horror of the first weeks when the realisation of what happened was working its way around our minds. I sometimes still look for him when I'm out walking, or think of things I'll ask or tell him, only to realise he's not here to ask or tell. It is like a slap.

Four months is not a long time. But just when you're grieving, it feels like a lifetime. In a way it is - the 'before' life and the 'after' life.

So sorry to hear of all your losses. And thank you for sharing on here. Sadly, we're all part of a club that we never asked to join.

Loving and hugging you all xx

Evansmummy I remember you posting about your brother at the time of the accident. Hope you're doing OK, or as well as cam be expected. That sounds trite but Ican't think of how else to put it.

I know what you mean about before and after - I almost unconsciously divide every memory in my life now into before and after the car crash. It's changed who I am.

I think I've settled into denial. My brother died 17 months ago by suicide, it was a complete shock although he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I've been angry and depressed (still take ad's) but for a long time now I just don't talk or think about him- as soon as he comes into my head I block it out otherwise I cry (like now). It's horrible because I feel so guilty for doing this but I just can't bear to face it.

shabster, I've just had a look at the photos on your profile, thanks so much for posting them, they're gorgeous! x

I'm not 100% convinced about the 5 stages, if I'm honest. I think that people oscillate between them at different times , when under different pressures.

Mostly I'm stuck in 'Tired and exhausted'

I think that I am accepting, but it doesn't mean that I don't have flashes of anger. I'm not depressed, I am often sad, but there is a difference

and my life, however grim on times, is easier than when dh was dying. and even that thought is hard to cope with

mmh... like mb I think that it's not been that clear-cut for me.
My mum died 10 months ago, I did go through a very angry phase, directed at the doctors who had treated my mum. It was justified anger though so not sure it counts?!

And I enjoy a spot of denial at times - I imagine that she's just about to visit me and I picture her walking down my drive in just a few minutes time, and it can feel so real...

I did go through the depression phase in the early months - everything felt bleak and I felt like I had a record stuck on 'mum is dead' in my head, but it's ok again now. I miss her terribly though. Can't imagine ever moving on from that because it all seems so bloody unfair.
I moved on from my beloved granddad's death because he was an old man and had had a long, rich life. My mum was robbed.

My Dad died a year ago yesterday - I thought I was moving into acceptance, but I've had lots of vivid dreams and tears again this last week. He brought me up on his own and I miss him so much.

What an interesting thread. I agree that the whole five stages idea is quite a seductive one, to reassure us that there is some shape imposable on the awful mess that is grieving, but that it's also inevitably not enough to contain everything that grief is.

My mum killed herself when I was 14, so nearly 20 years ago; it was very sudden, between one day and the next she was wiped out of existence. I am largely at 'acceptance' with this, although recently have begun to experience 'anger' for the first time.

Things are very different where my brother is concerned...anyway, am being chivvied out to the park so will return later.

BALD (unfortunate acronym!), lost my dad 17 years ago today and still have the dreams
but know exactly what you mean about the comfort of hearing his voice again.

Don't think I really grieved at the time cos of
having to be the strong one for everyone else but it really hit home a year later when I lost my first child mid-term (on my dad's birthday).

Once read a brilliant article by Nigella Lawson about her grief after losing her mother, sister and husband - she was talking about how difficult it is to accept the passage of time after their death. In some ways it gets harder - "x years since we did so and so". My dad never knew my daughters and I think that's a great loss for all of them .

My mum died a year ago at the end of this month. I am certainly not at acceptance unfortunately. I miss her so much. The last 3 years of her life were bad for her and the last 3 weeks absolute hell, but even though I know how much she was suffering I still so wish she was still here (but well iykwim). I have been getting very upset recently - most likely with the anniversary of her death coming up but I still feel the anger as well. It's like, well surely there must have been something the doctors could have done (even though there probably wasn't) and I should have done more, I should have made it alright (and the anger and frustration that I couldn't).

Anniversaries are grim.

agree anniversaries are grim, but other completely inocuous times sort of bite you on the bottom, when you least expect it too

Oh dear. I think this thread might collapse under the weight of its own sadness.

It seems trite to keep coming back on here to say 'sorry' to people so I hope you all know it anyway.

I know bundle - I dissolved into heaps of tears staring at raspberry jelly in the supermarket not too long ago (that was all she was eating in hospital at one point so I was buying it a lot).

I find that it is the unpredictable stuff that 'gets' me.

I know when the aniversaries are coming, so, to a degree, I can plan around them, to cope as best I can.

But something will just pop up and these things can floor me.

DD is the same

it was 22 months ago since my grandson died ,yes ive lost grandparents ,but nothing hurts like this,when he first went it was nothing but police,coroners and such i didnt sleep and when i did i remember waking up and could believe hed just died.
how the hell canyou go to sleep in daddys arms and never wake up again, i still feel angry why thhe hell us,why .
even now i find it hard to accept ill never realy see him again till i go other side ,i have a video on my mobile and hes talking away to us but thats as near as ill ever get.

Anniversaries are grim but one year it comes round and surprises you and I remember that being a really good feeling when it finally comes. It means you've finally reached that acceptance stage, NB NOT the same as forgetting. It should be a good feeling when you realise you've got past the anniversary pain free. It's good to remember but not to be in pain. I hope that's something positive for people to look forward to.

I wish I'd had more information about the different stages of grief - or had at least been told about them. It helps to name feelings and to understand what's going on. Good thread policywonk.