Can't get over the death of my Mum, despite it being nearly 15 years now

[trumpetgirl]

I lost my Mum when I was 9 years old. I didn't really grieve properly and I seem to feel worse as time goes on.
For the last 8 years, I've cried myself to sleep pretty much every night.
I'm feeling particularly emotional at the moment as it would have been her birthday this week and I'm really struggling to cope.
I nearly didn't take dd to school today as I didn't feel that I could manage it, but decided it was better to take her than to have her watch me crying all day.
I know that I'm depressed, I get phases like this every year around her birthday and anniversary of her death. I just always thought that it would get easier, and it never seems to. People always used to tell me that time is a great healer, but it doesn't seem that way to me.
Is it just me? Is there something wrong with me?
I went to the doctors earlier this year when I felt like this. She said that counselling wouldn't help me, but didn't provide any alternatives.
Can anyone tell me what to do about this. I can't concentrate on anything, or get on with my life. I just sit in a corner with a blanket round me and spend hours crying. I know I will feel a bit better soon, but I also know that next time I will be exactly the same. I don't want to spend the rest of my life knowing that every few months I'm going to be so depressed that I'm incapable of doing anything.
Sorry this got so long, I just needed to get it out.

gosh you poor thing . you may not 'do' virtual hugs, but have one anyway ((( )))

Have you any siblings you can talk too or share memory's with, or your dad Maybe try and do something that she would have liked on the day. I don't really know tbh sorry

I'm so sorry. Why would counselling not help you? Please go back and see a different GP

How are you the rest of the time? I get down around anniversaries too and always feel better after the day even if I didn't realise I was feeling rubbish at the time if that makes sense. Oh, it's very sad and I feel for you, I really do. That would be my suggestions. Try and book ahead something special to remember her rather than mourn her. hth a bit

Thanks DelGirl, hugs always greatfully received

My brothers and I don't speak very much, and it hurts my dad too much to talk about her. That's why I posted really, I have nowhere else to turn.

Tinker - I have no idea why counselling wouldn't help, but gp insisted I go and see her every week for a chat!

DelGirl - The rest of the time is pretty variable, but usually depressive phases are based on the fact that I have no useful family and long to have my Mum back as I know she would have done anything for me.

Oh, you poor lamb, how awful to lose your mum at 9

I can't believe your GP said counselling wouldn't help you You certainly need to be talking this through, with your family if they are up for it but if not then with somebody professional.

Our mother died when my little brother was 8 (I was 21) & he certainly found it hard to deal with; he came to the funeral but really didn't understand or cope with it. I remember one time when he broke down & said he felt that she'd abandoned him & hadn't tried to stay to look after him - it's very difficult for a young child to be objective about a parent's death.

I hope you can find somebody to help you with this.

Sorry. I know I asked for help, but I can't stop crying to type.
Think I'm going to go to bed.
Thanks everyone. I will go and see a different GP.
Hopefully I'll feel a bit better soon
Night

Hey sweetie, I am 27 and lost my mom 5 years ago. I know exactly how you feel about not having anyone to turn to. People tell you to jut get over it, especially people who are close to you. My dad tells me all the time. I am in social working and I have grown to understand that the majority of men do not deal with their feelings or expressive them as much as women do. They keep them bottled up inside and sometimes they go away. Unlike us we let them all out. I do not think it is wrong at all to still feel depressed about your mom after 15 years, especially if you never really had time to grieve. I am not impressed with that your Dr. said. Clearly his interests your not in your best. family is very biased and deal with death in their own way. If members feel like they have moved on they feel kinda selfish and think that if they did how come no one else can. You need to see a counselor if you are this depressed. I will be going to see my college counselor since no one really understands what I am going through. I know the feeling of crying for hours I did it the other night. My b/f has no clue what to do when it happens since hes never lost anyone at all and my father has already moved on with his process. Sure he is still upset and misses her a lot but he is a very strong person and was able to beat this. This may be too personal but if you ever need anyone to talk to who knows exactly what your going through my email is [email protected]. You can go on MSn or email whatever you like. I will say this though, before I go back to my h/w, don't feel embarrassed or ashamed of your behavior there is nothing wrong with having these strong feelings but if you don't get help soon your depression will start to effect your daughter and having a mother who is very depressed can lead to very many challenges for her. I know its hard but you need to get help to lead you down the recovering path since you feel like you can't do it by yourself. I hope this helped you.

Michelle

I'm so sorry about your mum. It was terrible when I lost mine at the age of 36, losing her at 9 must have been horrific.

Cruse Bereavement Care may be able to help - they offer free counselling - I'm not in the UK so I haven't used them but I've heard they're very good. I think your GP is totally wrong about counselling being no help.

It's so hard losing your mum and I'm sorry it's still so bad for you all these years on. Thinking of you.

Oh I wish I'd have found this thread when you first posted it. I hope you are still on MN and that you are doing OK.

Just wanted to let you know that I can relate to so much of what you have written. My mum died when I was 9 too. I know people who haven't been through this expect it to get easier or think you somehow 'get over' it. I never have got over it and over 14 years later I still feel the same pain and loss.

We were just children when this terrible thing happened, how can we be expected to have delt with it? Your mum, (as mine was) was the centre of your universe, the only person you wanted when you were ill or worried, happy, excited, she was everything and a huge absence will be left that nothing and no amount of time can heal.

I'm not sure children ever get over the loss of their mother. How can they possibly try and carry on being a care free child and go to school, have meaningless conversations with their friends, struggle to fit in, when outside of all of that fascade, this unspeakably awful thing has happened to you that no on understands?

I have stopped expecting to suddenly feel 'OK' about it. I have to just deal with the fact that especially around the anniversary of her death, I feel like shit and litterally want to curl up into a ball and sob like I did as a child.... so I do. Sometimes the pain is so bad I can barely breathe.

I don't know if counselling would help but certainly talking to someone (anyone) about it in my experience does help.

Please don't feel there is anything wrong with you, you are allowed to feel devastated about something that completely changed your life and broke your heart. You are not alone. Give yourself tome to 'be' sad and don't think you are failing because of it.

My mum died at New Year so Christmas and New Year are always a very difficult time. I do hope you are coping abd read this in the future, anytime you feel crap, please know that someone else is out there who feels exactly the same and that it's OK to be depessed about such an awful thing.

sorry give yourself time to be sad, not give yourself to me???!

i dont know what to say its taken me 4 years to actually do this... the whole talk about it to someone other than my partner and it seems the internet is the first step)!

my mum died when i was 16 she went away to visit a friend and never came back! the last txt she sent me was to tell me she was on her way home! but she wasnt.

and now 4 years on as ive struggled to find out the adult i am to be i cant deal with the fact that i am never going to have her there when i buy a house for the first time, on my wedding day, childrens births.... the theory that time is a healer is wrong, time just allows you to build more facades so everyone thinks everything is ok when infact you feel like a little lost child screaming for her mummy.

even with a blank box to say what i want i still cannot find the words to describe the enormity of feelings or perhaps lack of feelings(!) i have going on inside. i feel both numb and very much alive with pain, the ability to breath shocks me at times because surely this massive weight i feel on my chest should stop my lungs? but it doesnt and the weight does very little in terms of lifting.

its funny really because to look at me you'd see a self confident vibrant young woman, when the stark reality is so far from this it is shocking.

i dont know what it is i'm trying to say here or ask if anything, this may just be a small vent of emotions to a faceless person a nameless person a stranger who may never read this!

i want my mummy!

Oh Looking4, I have just read your post. I am so sorry about your Mum, and that you had to go through that terrible experience, as a 16 year old little girl, without, it seems, much support at all.

There are other people in real life and on MN who have experienced painful bereavements, and who will talk to you about your feelings. You have, as you said, made the first step here, describing your feelings so powerfully, which was incredibly brave of you.

You are completely right. Time is not a healer for many, and that pain will never go away altogether. But there are ways of dealing with your feelings, so that they don't have to be so overwhelming still. I think that you are saying that you would like to move forward now, aren't you?

The ladies (and one man) on this thread, have all recently lost partners, but many have children and would, I am sure, talk with you about your feelings. If you would like, I could 'introduce you' on their thread.

In real life, Cruse bereavement care is a wonderful organisation, which may have counsellors near to you. You are so right in saying that a bereavement can leave you stuck at the age at which it happened to you. A cruse counsellor will understand, and offer practical support to help you to move forward, when you are ready to do so.

I also recently came across this organisation Dragonflypin Bereavement which might be helpful for you. They sell lovely dragonfly brooches, which you can wear as a sign of a bereavement, and as a way of showing that you remember and still love someone who has died, but who is still very much part of your life.

I do hope that you read this. I am so sorry that no-one responded sooner - it's most unlike Mumsnet to miss such an important posting as yours.

I know how you feel Looking4. I lost my mum in the summer and it was very sudden. I am still in shock now! Although I have been getting with my life and have had some 'good days', I have spent the last two days off work because I am too upset to see anyone/talk to anyone, let alone go to meetings and act normal!
I am reading the Gloria Hunniford book "Always with You" which explains how she copes after losing her daughter Caron. It is helping me...i think I might ask my husband to read it to help him understand what it's like to lose someone really close. You'll never really understand until you actually do. It's the strength of the relationship that determines the extent of the pain. So I suppose the more you loved them the harder it will be to cope with - my heart feels like it is broken.
I want my mum too, so much. God bless you and I hope you are having a better day. Keep strong this Xmas. I will have a prayer for you when I light a candle for my mum this Christmas x

Hi i lost my mum back in march to the dreaded Cancer. We only had 7 weeks with her from finding out she had lung and brain cancer to her actually dying. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to go through. Its one thing to have your mum die but to actually have to watch them die knowing theres nothing you can do to stop it is just totally unjustable. I miss her so much, she was my mum, my best friend, my soul companion basically she was everything i ever needed and more, life without her will never be the same. I have 3 children, one of 9 and two under 3 so i have to wake up strong every day for them, but deep down inside strong is definatly what i dont feel. I have my partner to talk to and he has been very understanding i just feel i need to talk to people who know how i must be feeling. Im not sure why im writing today, guess its a cry for help and a chance for me to admit that im hurting. look forward to speaking with you all x