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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

missing my baby boy

14 replies

mel1981 · 25/07/2008 00:26

I lost my son 2 1/2 years ago (it was a stillbirth) an recently ive been feeling down about it quite a bit. Ive suffered depression quite a bit in my teens for other reasons and everyone was suprised that I didnt suffer from it when I lst my baby boy. My DH thought I coped with the loss suprisingly well (obviously I was devistated) but thinks that maybe now its like im having a delayed reaction like its finally sinking in. If that makes sense?
Has anyone else heard of anything like this or am I just having a bad patch/time of it?

OP posts:
JodieG1 · 25/07/2008 00:31

I'm so sorry for you, I really am. I've had miscarriages and for me it hurt more some time afterwards, it took me time to actually deal with it. Years even. I think that is normal.

Talk more if it helps you {hug}

AnnBoleyn · 25/07/2008 00:36

Oh mel, I'm so sorry.

You are living with his loss every day, and I'm sure that as your sons grow, it's a reminder of what you are missing with him.
I'm sure it's never something 'dealt' with, and his memory will be a constant with you, both a source of pain in some way, but glad that he's never forgotten.

I've nver experienced this, so I'm sorry if I'm not understanding how it is for you, but I can only imagine.

colacubes · 25/07/2008 00:42

So sorry you lost your boy, I cant imagine how it must hurt, I think we all take our time to mourn, or delay it until we have the strength or the time to feel what we need to feel.

Dont be hard on yourself you lost your boy, and you miss him, none of us would be any different, have faith in yourself and your feelings, know that a child is love, and that will never leave you, dont be afraid to feel, thats what keeps us sane.

Original poster
mel1981 · 25/07/2008 12:29

it is a reminder when I look at my boys and it doesnt help that my mates boy is the same age to the month so when i see him i cant help thinking bout my baby.
It felt like i was on auto pilot when I had to go to the hospital 2 deliver him, I think that was how i coped with it at the time so maybe I didnt really deal with it at the time.
Thanks for all your kind words. I cant change the past i know but im lucky in the fact that ive still got 2 special boys and a great husband and friends to help me through.

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Squirdle · 25/07/2008 13:12

Mel, I am so sorry you lost your precious baby boy.

My first son was stillborn 15 years ago. I still miss him and still think of him every day. I have 3 more sons who are fabulous, but my family will never be complete.

The pain and sadness will fade. It won't ever totally go away, but then I think you know that. But it does become easier to cope with it.

I know what you mean when you feel like you are having a delayed reaction. At the time you were in shock, probably for many many months...it is like being on auto pilot. I assume you had children or a child before your son. In some ways that can help enormously because you have to keep going for the sake of them. But it does mean that suddenly one day you sit down and it hits you.

I feel for you so much. It's an awful feeling isn't it. And knowing you can't do anything to make that hurt go away is so hard.

I promise you it will get easier. You will never forget him. What is his name? My son is Caius and as much a part of my family as the rest of us even though he isn't here.

Squirdle · 25/07/2008 13:13

I've just clicked on your profile and noticed you are in Hampshire...me too! Where do you live? I am in Winchester....

Original poster
mel1981 · 25/07/2008 13:45

squirdle yeah I had a boy already luckily he was too young to completely understand it all but I felt I had to keep going for his sake and it did help. Neither me or DH thought we'd cope if we didnt already have a LO to keep us occupied.
My baby is called Jack and we still talk about him too & our boys will grow up knowing they had another brother which some people think is wrong! I cant understand some peoples opinions towards stillbirth sometimes ( not anyone on here youve all been great but some other family memebers) I guess it mite b the old fashioned way? but like hes not here so why do my DS need to know about him, etc.
Im in Bishopstoke so not far from u a all.

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BlingLovin · 25/07/2008 13:53

It is terribly new agey to say that if you're struggling so much more now that you go see someone? Maybe just talking to someone who doesn't have a vocal opinion on your right to feel/think/say things?

BlingLovin · 25/07/2008 13:53

Was it clear that I feel for you very much? Losing a child, at any age, must be traumatic. And I don't think you should feel bad because you're struggling.

Original poster
mel1981 · 25/07/2008 14:04

no its the obvious really just ive been to councillors b4 and havent really helped but worth a try again i guess mite b different this time. Thanks for the nudge in the right direction.

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Squirdle · 25/07/2008 17:04

Mel, I think that it is generally the older generation who don't mention stillbirth evry much. But please don't feel uncomfortable talking about Jack. He is still your son and you have every right to talk about him as much as you wish. I think talking is probably the best therapy.

I belong to a group called babylosssupportgroup and anohter lady on here does too. I have been there for about 5 years and have recieved so much compassion and support from ladies who totally understand.I'll dig up a link for you later.

Strangely enough I have just met up with one of DS2's schoolfriends and his mum, who I am getting to know, who told me she lost her little girl at 34 weeks. Even though I have had exactly the same experience, I was still shocked and upset that this poor and so lovely lady had gone through such a terrible time. It's sadly more common than we realise.

lottiejenkins · 28/07/2008 16:37

Mel1981 there is a thread in the bereavment section for parents who have lost a child The Sunflower Thread, do join in if you havent we are a bunch of Mums who have been through the same thing and can chat to you when you are low!!

jamescagney · 28/07/2008 16:47

hi mel so sorry about your lo. fwiw, your dh may well be right, we all have different times and ways of "dealing" with loss, as if you can ever deal with this. I read a lovely quote which said that you can never get over this only through it.
I think that it is still early days and the loss of a child is so so traumatic. like Squirdle says, it is more common than we realise. there is a bereavement thread (sorry I'm not up to speed with links and what have you).
would it help at all to speak with Mums who have been through this?
hugs to you, dh and your little angel.

Original poster
mel1981 · 29/07/2008 22:04

Thanks for the posts lottiejenkins & jamescagney will have a look for the thread. x

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