DOES ANYONE BELIEVE IN AFTER LIFE AND SPIRITS

[hibbert]

I only lost my mum 2 weeks ago and the pain is so bad, it hurts just to breath sometimes.
My mum was in intensive care for a week before she died and I (as the eldest) took the decision to turn off the life support,
she was suffering terribly and i had always promised mum i would never let her suffer and would always let her have her dignity, she slipped away in her sleep, very peaceful with no more suffering or pain. it was with great dignity but now i am left with a big big feeling of guilt, when she was dying i whispered to her to let me know she forgives me for turning the machine off, i know in my heart i did what was right for my mum but my head says something different.
I NEED TO KNOW SHE FORGIVES ME !!!

My dad died three weeks ago aswell. He had emphasema and he died of a chest infection. I know in my heart that he's in a better place. I know that he's not attached to oxygen all day every day.

You're still grieving. You are allowed to so this. She forgives you. She's not suffering any more and she must now how brave you were to make that decision for her.

I've got to go out but will be bac later if you need to talk to someone.

She had told you what she wanted, and you had the courage and selfless love to follow her wishes. You obviously cared deeply for her, and she must have felt that. If she could communicate with you I'm sure she'd be saying 'Thank you' rather than 'I forgive you' - there's nothing to forgive, you did the only thing you could do. I do believe in spirits and the afterlife personally.

thats what my mum had too x

She doesnt need to forgive you love, there's nothing to forgive.

you did what you promised her you would do.

you did what was the best thing for her.

you stopped her suffering and allowed her to go peacefully.

if she could say it, i know she would say thank you, not i forgive you.

and you whispered to her to let her know she forgives you...

well, she let you know it was the right thing to do by going peacefully.

hibbert i am so sorry to hear of your loss- the answer you seek is in your own post- she died with great dignity, after much soulsearching on your part and the part of the medical professionals involved. It was not entered into lightly, or out of selfishness. I would offer my own description of letting lightening out of a bottle. You let her go, you didnt push her. That was a great gift of love you gave to end her pain. I hope you can hold the love between you both in your heart as a torch to light the coming days.
As regards forgivness- you will feel it when your own pain subsides, and you can see beyond grief to the happiness in your relationship, and how she would have wanted this outcome for you as much as you did for her.

my mum died two years ago this week and its still so hard .... guilt is something everyone feels no matter what the situation...if it hadnt been the life support machine, then something else would have eaten you up. My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour and so had one month with me before she died and I told her to let me know she was ok once she died. I have been devastated as I havent had that "message" from her. But sometimes you need to look really closely for those messages...I sometimes read a paragraph in a book or see something on tv that I just feel was directed at me! Its not always really obvious. My mum was a religious woman also and didnt believe in calling up the dead, she said they should be left to rest in peace and so I understand why she would get the messages to me when she felt I really needed them ... and she does! Your mum will too, just dont look too hard!

AVENANAP
I WOULD LIKE TO CHAT LATER IF YOU HAVE TIME, THATS WHAT MY MUM DIED OF TOO, MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU
KIM XXX

It's OK Kim. . My dad had been like this for about 6 years. He didn't have a life anymore. He'd sit in his flat, unable to go out and getting tired if he went into the bedroom a few yards. The last time I saw him he was just my normal dad, it was April and he was not eating properly and had stopped messing around on his PC so I think that he was getting ready. He had a DNR on his hospital notes, which he had done a couple of years before. He had a chest infection for a few weeks, the doctors didn't give him antibiotics because he had MRSA. My mum, his sister, nurses and my sister went in every day to see him. The day before his sister went to see him and he was sleepy so she called an ambulance. He had a nasty chest infection and was sleeping. He died the next morning as I was on my way over to see him. I am sad that he's not around any more and I do miss him but I know that he's somewhere else now. He's with his family somewhere, he can breath and sit in the pub. He's probably sitting in a pub having a cigarette! He choose to have a DNR, he didn't want to be connected to a ventilator only to die anyway. He just went to sleep, it was very quick and I do take alot of comfort in the fact that he didn't suffer when he died.

I know you feel guilty but you shouldn't. It was time for her to move on. The ventilator would have just prolonged this. When I think of the way others die, with pain and suffering, I am so thankful that my dad's death was so peaceful. I wish I had managed to be there to tell him that I loved him but I wasn't and I can't change that. He already knew though. Your mum knew that she ment the world to you. Look back at all the things that you have done together, all the memories and love that you have shared. She wouldn't need to forgive you because she knew how hard it was for you to make that decision. You're missing her so much now and your head is not thinking about things properly. You will feel guilty for turning off her machine. You are looking for someone to be angry at, this is normal. It will get better. You know how much she loved you and she knows how much you loved her. You gave her something so precious and so special that if there was a way to thankyou, she would do that. You gave her an end to her suffering, it was painless and she was surrounded my the people that she loved the most. I would want this. You don't need her forgiveness. You did a special thing, there's no shame and no badness to forgive.

AVENANAP

hi thanks for your reply, like me, you are relieved your dad went peacefully but its still awful for those left behind but i have to keep telling myself thats what she wanted.

she was rushed in on fathers day, she was full of carbon dioxide and had to be sedated.
she stayed sedated for almost a week.
the doctors came to us twice and explained she was going and they had no hope.
she was on a ventilator and was very peaceful.
then on day 5 she started to fight the ventilator so they phoned us to say they had to take it off her. when we got there, mum had this horrific mask on that covered her face and was warapped round her head, it awful, she was almost fully aware of people around her and she was panicing and crying, it was just what she didnt want.
i told her i loved her and she shook her head,it really upset me, then she pushed my dad away too, i knew she was angry.
me and my dad were really upset but i knew in my heart what was up with mum, i had always promised her she wouldnt suffer and i said she would always have her dignity.
i had to take my dad to one side and tell him that this was not right, i told him what i had promised mum and he agreed that we had to help mum.
we asked to see the doctor and i told him my concerns and they agreed that we were only prolonging mums pain and she would die anyway.
my dad left the room to tell the family and i was left with mum and her nurse.
i asked mum took look into my eyes and i asked her is this what she wanted and she shook her head, i asked did she want the mask off and she nodded, i asked had she had enough and she nodded, i asked her again is this what she wanted and she shook her head again, the nursr nodded and agreed that that was a definate answer and took her mask off straight away, mum relaxed and i told her i loved her again and she nodded.
they sedated her again and she snorred peacefully for eleven hours, we stayed with her all night and she drifted away at 5 in the morning.
she was very peaceful and had dignity.
in my heart i did the best for mum but i just hope the doesnt think i give up on her,
the pain is so hard to bare,
i did it for love of my mum but i feel so bad, sorry to go on but writing this down has helped me sort things a little in my head
xxx

It's OK. I really hope that getting it all down helps you.

When people die, I don't think anyone's ever ready to say goodbye but it can be so difficult to sit and watch someone you love suffer, especially if you have been forced to watch them deteriorate over time and you have watched the person that you care so deeply about struggle and in pain. Even when they are finally at peace there are still things that you want to say. It can be torture.
It sounds to me that you followed her wishes and she told you that this is what she wanted. She loved you and she knew that you loved her but her body just couldn't manage any more and it was time for her spirit to move on. You are going through such unimaginble grief at the moment, take each day at a time, write down your feelings and your thoughts, do whatever you feel as if you need to. I'm sure your family can help you aswell. They have been through this with you.

It's a brave thing that you did for her. It took so much courage to make that decision and she must be so proud of you.

I'm here for you if there's anything I can do.

im sorry for your loss but i think you already know the answer to your question as your mum had already siad she didnt want to suffer

you allowed for her wish to be granted if she was here she would have said you did the right thing and you know you did

its still so early days and grief is raw you do not need to feel guilty about the dicision you made or ask for forgiveness as you did nothing wrong

spend the time getting help for your grief and remembering your mum as she was she will be looking down on you thankful that you made the right choice

it will egt easier but will take along time dont fill the time with guilt but knowing she is no longer suffering for this she will be happy

There is nothing to forgive. You followed your Mum's wishes. Your Mum is not in pain, not hanging on to the thinning Silver Thread of Life because no one could do what she couldn't physically do. You did the right thing and you need to forgive yourself.
Talk with your Mum hibbert. She will hear you and you may even hear her replies.
Don't feel bad about it, rejoice in her life and live yours as fully as possible in her memory. Your Mum is watching you, happy that you are as strong as you are.
Deepest sympathies to you and your family.
Remember that life has a beginning, a middle and an end - always. You and any sibblings you have, her grandchildren etc were your Mums middle. She just reached her end. Make the most of your long and wonderful middle...x