How to tell a child you have miscarried

[Jazminpoppy]

Hello I miscarried in the early hours of this morning. Im devastated. Im Feeling so numb.
I was 12 weeks so felt it was safe to tell all the people my partner and I knew.
Including my son, we were just so exited about our little addition to our family.
Now We are going to have to start the wafull process of telling everyone. Where do I start??? I dont have a clue. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

thats meant to say awfull in the last line

I'm so sorry for your loss I have no experience of you particular situation but as a general principle I think it is very important to be straightforward and honest about what happened. Tell your son that you and your partner are sad and that it's ok for him to be sad too. Let him ask questions and be sure to tell your friends and relatives that he knows what has happened so they feel they can discuss it with him if he alludes to it with them. Hope that is of some use. Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I've had miscarriages at 6/7 weeks, and they were bad enough, I can't imagine a miscarriage at 12 weeks just when you thought everything was fine.

How old is your little boy?

It is heartbreaking, thanks for your advise northenlurker , I think your definately right about the straight foward approach.
Sorry to hear about your loss belgo, my son is nearly 4 years old.

Hi Poppy, so sorry to hear you are going through this horrible thing. The same happened to me 3 months ago and I had to tell DD (5) and DS (3). It was very difficult but I told them that the baby forgot to grow and I was very sad. They reacted well to it, asked a few questions but not more. If you go to en Early Pregnancy Unit later, they give you a leaflet about how to tell the children.
it is a horrible thing to go through. talk about it if you feel like it and give yourself time to grieve and deal with the lost expectations. Have some me time if you can or just cuddle days with your son and partner.
thinking of you

Agree that being honest is important.

My girls were too young at the time to understand, and hadn't realised I was pregnant, so I told them both I just had a lot of tummy ache. And a couple of days later, dd1 (aged 3 at the time), pointed at my tummy and said 'baby' - so she must have picked up on it somehow.

Ive told my My Mum and she is picking up my son in a bit and my partner is off work this week so we are going to have some quality time together on our own and let my mum deal with my side of the family!
I really like what supadoula said to her children about the baby forgeting to grow, small children need things put in simple terms.
They pick up on everything belgo , thats one of the reasons we decided to tell our son as we didnt want him to hear from somebody else and feel left out.

I lost a baby at 16 weeks when my dd was 6yo - it was very traumatic for her. We told her that we were sad because the baby had died. She wanted to know loads of details (which was very hard at the time) but I think it is really important to answer their questions properly. In my case I had a PROM so could tell her that the baby's sack of water had broken too soon & that she wasn't big enough to be born yet - if the mc is unexplained it is more difficult I think. She wanted to know what the baby felt and where her body had gone (we had a blessing so told her about that) and what her name was.

She became very clingy for a while (scared that we would die), and be prepared for the questions to go on - she still occasionally asks about the baby 2 years later. It is an issue in subsequent pregnancies too - when I was pg with my ds she'd often say (very matter of factly) 'oh it'll be good if this baby doesn't die' or 'when is the baby big enough not to die'. I delay telling her about pregnancies until after the 20 week scan now.

I'm sorry about your loss, time makes it easier to cope with.

Thank you for sharing your experience minster it helps to know other women have been through the same things.
I am very sorry for your loss at 16 weeks minster that must have been traumatic.
I wont be planning on getting pregnant again for a long while, and when I do I wont tell my son till I have seen everything is ok at 20 week scan

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had my last mc when dd was 4 and she was around whilst I went to hospital and saw doctors. So she knew something was going on.

I told her, before I knew about the mc that either mummy was going to have a baby, or I was just going to be poorly. I had a history of recurrent mc so thought it best to cover my bets.

DD has always known that mummy's good at lots of things, but not at having babies. I explained that I had tried to have babies before she came along but they didn't grow properly, so mummy lost them.

Being 4 she just accepted this. Now she's 7 she occasionally asks questions about the babies I lost, but she just seems comforted by the fact that she wasn't lost...and that I love her soooo much.

I told dd that mummy might be a little bit sad in the next few weeks, because I had really wanted her to have a brother or sister, but that I know how lucky I am to have her. That prepared her for the bad days to come and reassured her, I think.

Years later she knows....mummy's rubbish at having babies, but that's ok. because she didn't want to share her things anyway!

Kids are resillient, but they will pick up on vibes in the house and if you're not honest about what's happened, they'll think they're to blame.

Good luck with dealing with this. I know you're having a crappy time right now, but things do get better...and sometimes worse, then better. I wish you strength for yourself and rely on the love of your family and you won't go far wrong. Take care...

I've just reread your last post jazminpoppy and understand your reluctance to tell your son next time you get pg. Think about this really carefully when the time comes though.

Kids don't miss much and if your son picks up any distress during early pg, or even just morning sickness, he may feel responsible or anxious. And sometimes, we think we're covering up our emotions well, but our nearest and dearest still know what's happening.

You'll be in a better position to choose the right path for you when the pregnancy comes. Til then, take care.

I don't think there is any good way to do this except just saying 'I've had a miscarriage'. Chances are you will still be meeting people in a few months time asking when you are due - people you don't see so often don't always get to hear and I remember feeling completely over things and then going to the butchers of all places and the butcher asking how much longer I had to go

I told DD last time that mummy was going to have a baby but it wasn't the right time and so he'd gone away for a bit and would come back (she's much younger though) she just knew mummy was upset and sad and wanted to cuddle her a lot.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Thank you so much to suilly and whomovedmychocolate , I feel a little better today and I am coming to terms with what has happened , I have told all friends and family and I have told my son.
I told him that I had a miscarriage and that the baby stopped growing. I also explainned that Mummy & Daddy will be a little down and upset over the next few days and that its ok if he is sad too.
Also I told him that Mummy and Daddy love him very much and we are very lucky to all have each other.
He seemed to accept it and he just asked if I will be having a new baby in my tummy and I just said one day but I dont know when. He also asked if its the same as when the fish died? and I said yes I suppose it is. I also told him that he makes me laugh and it makes me feel better. ( this was because he started dancing and singing madonna!!)
Im going for lunch tomorow with my sister and some serious retail therapy.
Than you again to everone for your posts , take care x x x x x x x x

Glad you are feeling a little better. Your son sounds like a very sensible and loving little boy. I hope you enjoy your retail therapy today

I'm glad you're feeling better too,Jazminpoppy. Your little boy does sound like a star and he'll help you through this more than anyone.

Please take care of yourself and your family. It's a hard time for all you... xx