help with children and seeing the body

[pleasecanihavesomeadvice]

my ds lost his Nan earlier this week and the first thing he asked when he heard was whether he could see the body. He has just turned 9. I?m not sure what to do. We haven?t brought up the subject again but part of me feels that if it is important to him we should at least discuss it again ? even if I say it?s not possible. At the moment I don?t know if he actually wants to, but I need to decide what I would say if he does before I bring the subject up. I don?t know if it is a good idea. Anybody got any experience of this with 8/9 year olds?

No experience but maybe it was childish curiosity and he wouldn't really want to if he thought about it.

Could you tell him that the body is not his Nan and she would want him to remember her as bright / cheerful / caring etc. not how she looks now.

Also maybe a way of saying goodbye that is something very personal to him.

I'm so sorry for your loss

My mum died when my dd was 11 and although her older sibling went to visit my mum when she was at the undertakers I felt my dd was too young.

Many years later she mentioned that she felt excluded at this sad time.

In hindsight I wish I'd let her go but I'm not sure I would if she had been 8/9

No idea if it's a good idea or not though as all children are different.

I would ask him again.Unless her death was traumatic and she has some disfigurement hat may really be upsetting.TBH I think he sounds like a very mature boy,and it can often be a way of demystifying death,there seem to be so many taboos surrounding death in our culture.(I speak as someone who has seen quite a lot of bodies though,so realise my input may be perceived in horror by others!)

Often viewing a body can help with coming to terms with the fact a loved one is dead.

It should be possible to arrange for him to see his Nans body,either in the chapel of rest at hospital if this is where she died or by contacting the funeral director.

Are you worried he will be traumatised?I think children are often more resilient than we give them credit for,and the fact he has asked means it wouldn't be like you are making him do something against his wishes.Maybe some preparation that his Nan will perhaps look a little different,but probably just like she is asleep.

HTH,Wrinkly xxx

Many thanks for your response. The subject came up again today and he said that he just wanted to see her one more time. I did think it might just be curiosity but he does seem to have thought about it and realised that she may look a little different. I'm impressed at how mature he is being. I didn't expect that. I'm still not sure but will talk to my dh tonight.
Thanks...

If he wants to see the body, let him. I first saw a dead body when I was 12: it was a great aunt and made me understand the finality of death.

Have you already seen the body? If not, see it in advance (I presume you'll go with him) as some bodies are more lifelike than others. When I saw my great aunt she absolutely did not look as though she had gone asleep: her body looked like a shell that had contained her life and so I was under no illusion. Then explain to him what he'll see (eg coffin will be lined with silk/ satin/ she'll be wearing X/ she will have liptick on etc.

I think it's unlikely to be pure curiosity if it's a loved grandparent: treat him sensitively and maybe look up some bereavment websites to find the vocabulary to explain how he may feel

ds is 9, my dad died 3 weeks ago. I took him to the funeral so he could say goodbye, I explained to him that it was only a shell and that his grandad was somewhere else causing mischief and drinking beer. He didn't want to see him, so we agreed to remember him the way he was.

They do a really good job in the funeral home. They dont look dead, just sleeping. I would ask him if he wanted to write a card/note or choose a picture to put in the coffin.