Is this as good as it gets?

[OneSnugBear]

My husband died four years ago at 57, he'd been ill but his death wasn't expected. I've done everything you're supposed to do, I've moved house, I volunteer, see friends, have done courses etc but I still have that feeling tha I'm just filling time.

I'm retired myself and have no financial reason to return to work, even if I was able to at 62. I have adult children I'm close to, but they have partners, careers etc. I don't feel depressed at all, just that life is not what it was.

I've fully accepted my husband's death, I did have grief counselling the time.

Has anyone felt similar?

It sounds as if you have accepted the end of one chapter but haven’t found another to start? Or have t felt an urge to do so?

I was driven to find another partner and although I have had moments of ‘what have I done’ in general it’s been and continues to be really good. It meant a lot of change though.

I am only 9 weeks from losing my husband so maybe I shouldn't be commenting as obviously I'm right at the start and understandably finding it incredibly difficult.

But we found each other later in life and really really were each others soulmates. I am not depressed but incredibly sad and lonely.

I cannot imagine this is ever going to change for me even though I am trying really hard, I absolutely feel like I've lost a limb and premenant pain but I realise this is probably lot more normal at my stage

I'm just trying to explain that we were so a part of each other that I now just feel.....life will never have any true meaning

I feel a bit like you. DH died about 2.5yrs ago, also 57yrs, and whilst I accept that fully, I do feel like I'm just hanging around, killing time. DDs are late teens so they need me less and less, in a good way. I had to give up work b/c when DDs needed me (e.g. parents' evening, medical appts,), work could not accept that, as a single parent, I would need to be away from my desk a little more. Fortunately, I have no financial need to work but I have applied for a few p/t jobs b/c that would help fill the time. I'm open to a new DP but I haven't met any possibilities.
I think that things will eventually fall into place so I am trying not to overthink it. I am taking a few classes locally but mainly I'm still working out how to fill the days constructively.

I agree with @PermanentTemporary , it sounds like we just haven't found the start to our new chapters yet.

Yes, DH died four years ago at 56. I am now 63 and feel like I am just keeping time too, two adult birth kids and a young foster child who I love to bits, I keep busy (see young foster child), I meet up with friends and I am busy but my soul feels empty? different? missing? I don't know. I meet up with a wonderful group of friends who I met through a bereavement activity group and many of us feel the same way even though we are at different stages in the grief pathway so that helps me to feel less alone in the journey.

My partner died in June so recently so maybe I'm not qualified to comment but I do completely understand what you mean. I function day to day but, and it's a big but, Im not entirely sure how the space he has left is ever going to be filled. I'm bored, which seems a strange thing if you are bereaved, I think it's because I just don't have the interaction with him. I'm back at work which hasn't helped particularly, it's fine but the space is still there. It's incredibly lonely and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Thanks all, it really helps that I'm not alone in feeling this way. As far as a new relationship goes, I'd love a companion but the thought of any intimacy is not appealing! Perhaps I'm just not ready.

I am sorry you are going through this pain, it must be devastating.

I agree with PP, you need a new phase. A different purpose. I don’t want to sound trite, but do you have a dog?

I know exactly how you feel. 4 years after my husband died I realised I just couldn’t bear to be alone for the rest of my life so I tried internet dating. I took advice from much younger friends, and used a paid for site for over 50’s.i had coffee dates with several pleasant enough gentlemen. I then clicked with someone. 3 years on we are still together. We live separately but see each other 3 or 4 times a week. He is a widower and understands how it is.
It doesn’t always fill moments of aching loneliness but it does enable me to look forwards into a new chapter.
Be careful with internet dating. I was picky and careful. I didn’t have any of the bad experiences you read about.
Sending love to you x

I'm in my early sixties and have been widowed for nearly a decade. I absolutely recognise that feeling of keeping busy to pass the time, and feeling deeply lonely (despite great friends, lovely adult children etc) while not being actually depressed. In my case new relationships have brightened things up, but it took a while to find someone compatible. It's a hard road! I tried to work out what I wanted my life to look like, and how I might achieve that, while being realistic that some of it might not work out.

DH died in June after more than three years of decline. I'm nearly 64. I thought I was alone in feeling bored, but as a PP said, it's the lack of everyday interactions. I see things and think I must tell DH about that, but I can't (well, I do but it's not the same). Just watching TV, there's no one to say what dreadful wallpaper, a gorgeous garden, whatever's he wearing. I find myself asking the dogs. Just wondering about if it's green or black bin tomorrow and having someone answer would be nice! I'm sure I'll adjust but this odd bored feeling was unexpected.

Thanks for your responses. In answer to a pp, I don't have a dog, she was put down due to cancer six weeks after my husband died ( a fun few weeks). I feel a dog would be too much of a tie at present, but I do walk my son's dog three times a week. Another way of keeping busy, I think.

I lost my wife just over a year ago. Then mother in law, dog, and father in law went in quick succession - a lot to process.

I have yet to find the joy in anything. I have great friends, work with dogs (which have helped keep me motivated, although it is a double edged sword as my own dog's demise was unexpected and unnecessary).

I have always been an optimistic person and cling on to the hope that, in time, the joy will return to my life, even if only a little. It hasn't yet, but it is early days, and this year has been insanely busy.

I was with my wife only a short time in relative terms (12 years) , so lived on my own for over 25 years before we got together, so I can function by myself, and in some ways feels like it is back to normal although I am in the house we bought together and everywhere local is full of memories of her. We moved to this town together, so everything is linked.

I have a rich and fulfilling social life, but it is still just not the same. I know they say "never say never" and all that, but she was my person, so I can't imagine being with anyone else ever again.

Big hugs to all of you who have lost your person. It totally sucks.

Winston Churchill said to keep buggering on, so that is what I am doing for the moment.

Again, thanks for all your responses. It really helps to know it's not just me.

I was strangely comforted to read this thread as at least others understand how I feel.
DH died nearly nine months ago. I have no purpose in life anymore.
We both retired at 55 (he was 59 when he died suddenly) so my days were just spent pottering around with him, chatting and doing whatever we fancied. I loved it. Now I am bored and living a non-life. I start every day with a to-do list and am physically doing more than I ever did around the house but I am not engaged with any of it. I have amazing adult children but they don't need me.
Is this it?

It’s the ‘adult’ stuff I miss, as someone said earlier to talk about coronation street, next doors car, who I met in the pub etc etc deciding what to have for tea every bloody day. I’m just starting internet dating (nearly 6 years since DH died) and omg there’s a lot of crap out there !

Same op.

DH died 2 years ago age 52. I’m the age now that he was when he died.
We have young adult DC who are still at home, but they have their own lives.
I feel I’m in limbo, just treading water.
I work full time, and will have to until I’m 67, but I just feel there is nothing to look forward to and I feel no joy in anything.

I’m tired.
I’m lonely.
I’m lost.

Its absolutely 💩 isn't it? Am currently laid up with a stomach bug. And I would love to call for tea to be brought up but there's no one there any longer....sending best wishes to you all....

Sounds like you're in the 'void'. Just existing, functioning but not knowing what comes next, is there a next? Treading water it feels like.

We don't just grieve a person, we also need to grieve the person we used to be and the future we had back then.i don't know the answers,

I don't think there are any answers as such. Also, each person processes it all very differently. Treading water is quite a good term for it. I go through the motions, and am strangely keen to some jobs, and not others.

I think I would agree with @gamerchick part of the grief is for the life we expected to have but no longer do. Metaphorically, some couples gaze into each other's eyes, but my wife and I were more the type to sit side by side gazing out together at the universe. We would talk about everything, laugh about most of it. Despite illness we could still find things to laugh about. Quite a lot was something stupid I had done. I can still hear that laugh periodically when I do something that I think she would have found funny.

We are all members of this club that none of us wanted to join.

I’m glad I found this thread today (I’m usually on the ‘This is life’ thread here, which is welcoming and comforting).

I also feel I’m in a void. I’m keeping busy but fundamentally I’m bored, missing the daily interaction and missing my husband, our life together and the previous version of me.

I did find way-up.co.uk very helpful
sitting here on Sunday which is always my worst day
sending hugs to you all x

to you all

Yes, I find the weekends the most difficult. Its much easier to be busy in the week! Sending hugs to all of us in the same boat. I'm also grieving the retirement we never had, I find seeing middle aged couples arm in arm so difficult still.

I’m really sorry @OneSnugBear to read that you’re going through this.

A close relative has suffered traumatic losses and what she told me, with a grace that I do not think I would find in myself, is that the pain doesn’t disappear, but, in time, you adjust and it becomes manageable and you accept that this is the way things are. Then you find that at times you can give thanks that those people were in your life.

My own experiences, though I have not suffered the devastating losses that my relative suffered, is that sometimes you’re ok and sometimes it hits you in waves. Sometimes I think of them with love and I’m uplifted, but at other times I am engulfed with sadness that they are gone. Be aware that feeling really tired and coming down with a virus are particularly vulnerable times for sadness. In fact sometimes I think that when these losses come to mind it’s a warning that I’m incubating a virus!

I very much urge on you to ignore anybody who suggests you should think of your feelings in line with the Kübler-Ross stages of grief hypothesis. This has been disproved so many times and can be actively harmful.

My dad passed away last week and this is one of my biggest worries for my mum ☹️. Obviously right now it’s very early days and we are all devastated but I’m worried that life will move forward for me and my sister and she will be stuck in this sort of sad void that others describe. I hate the thought of her not having someone to have the day to day chit chat with or potter about with. I think I’m actually struggling to come to terms with her feeling like this more than my dads passing.

@lebin in these early days you must encourage her to take up the invites she will get "we must meet up for coffee" etc. I restored at least three lapsed friendships this way. Being in the silent house is the worst thing.