Support for DH. Feeling unsure how to help

[youcannotbeserious]

Hi

i'm hoping that someone might be able to give me a little advice...

DH and i have been together for 9 years and we have a 6 week old DS. DH also has two daughters - now teenagers.
Before, we met, DH had a son who died at 4 months. i don't know the details but i think the baby was ill from day 1 and it was a pretty terrible time

DH is really struggling with losing his first DS. He visited the grave yesterday - first time he's done that for a while and was extemely sad that there were not more flowers etc. He is going to sort it this week.

But, I don't know how to help... or what support to offer. this is part of his life which didn't involve me and I don't want to seem pushy or anything.

Plus, DH is struggling to bond with our DS and I wonder whether part of the issue is his first DS?

I can only guess at the pain of losing a baby, and I don't know how to help.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Was your DH's DS born before or after his daughters - ie how long ago was this?

I think it's incredibly hard to help people with bereavements that happened before you knew them. My partner's brother died of AIDS 8 years before we met, and I feel totally helpless when the birthday and death anniversaries come around every year. I have no clue what to do or say.

Can you ask your DH to talk to you about his first DS and tell you what happened? I don't think that that is an invasion of his privacy and it might help both of you to move on and for your DH to put things behind him if you talked about it together.

Hi Anna,

His DS was born in between his two DDs. Same mother as the DDs, obviously.

His DS would be 13 now, AFAIK.

The death of DS precipitated his ex wanting another child (DSD2) and then not being able to cope with it all and leaving. The marriage breaking down pretty much co-incided with DSD2 birth, IYSWIM.

DH doesn't talk about things (typical man) and doesn't open up easily. he only todl me where he'd gone yesterday because I was worried he'd been gone too long.

I don't want it to come across like I'm being selfish (worried about our DS) but of course, I am a bit, aren't I? Because I'm worried about them not bonding.

Death of children takes a terrible toll on families/couples. If all the strain in the aftermath of the death of his DS precipitated the breakdown of your DH's first marriage, that is quite a burden for him to bear.

Has he ever seen a professional bereavement counsellor?

That's not selfish on your part at all....perhaps he's frightened of bonding IYKWIM.

Him telling you where he went yesterday gives you the opportunity to talk about it more IMO....very gently of course...and being able to reassure him that history won't repeat itself. Bonding between dad's and their babies sometimes does take a while, but when it happens.....well even I was taken by surprise at the strength of my DHs feelings.

Good luck x

i dont have any advice, but you have been kind to me, so just wanted to offer my support and best wishes. I guess, give him time/space - suggest a greif counsellor, i can understand why it might be too hard to talk to things with you in this instance. Its a difficult situation. He might feel odd now he has a son, guilty even for loving him? Like he is somehow being disloyal to his other little boy? I guess he needs to know that it is OK to love him, and that he will also be ok, perhaps he was going to get "permission" from his son, if you see what i mean. I am waffling, but just to say, love to you both and i hope hes ok, he will be.

Thanks LEM - that's so kind of you.

I hadn't thought of him feeling guilty about loving our DS because of his first DS....but, you know, his behaviour would suggest that this is just how he is feeling.

Maybe, he is looking for some sort of OK, some sort of acceptance.......... permission is a good word...

Or maybe, he is just feeling guilty for not taking more care of the grave. AFAIK, it's been a while since he's been there, and I know he seemed cross that his Ex hadn't been there either. He will rectify that this week, and make sure the grave is the way it should look.

quite possibly about the grave too - i can relate to that as i haven't been up to my fathers grave for a while (can't face it) and i feel bad that it is not being looked after. Maybe don't say anymore about it, but ask if you could possibly go with him to the grave with him one time. Its so difficult, i am sure you will do the right thing though.