Dad died two years after mum's suicide

[miliop]

My mum killed herself two years ago, after decades of alcoholism and mental health problems. I posted a lot on the alcoholism support thread (under different name) at the time and it really helped me. I was starting to feel better lately.

Still cannot quite believe this but my dad died suddenly three weeks ago, seems to have been a heart attack. Almost two years to the day that mum died. We were extremely close and talked every day. We'd always been close but over the last few years, he was my world. My best friend. We spent a lot of time together. I knew this day would come eventually but I thought he'd be around another 15-20 years. He hadn't even retired yet. He ate well, walked, gardened, he never complained of any illness or feeling weird. Although, I know he wouldn't have mentioned it if he did. He suffered horribly living with my mum. We had grieved for her for years before she died and frankly it was a relief, although incredibly sad and shocking. But he was happy the last 18 months.

He had read a text from me at about 8am but he didn't reply when I texted him a few hours later. I felt weird all day. Restless and strange. I kept picturing his eulogy, what we would do with his house. I'm not psychic, I think I just knew, deep in my brain, that he would always reply and there was a reason why he wasn't. I started to panic around 6pm and texted his neighbour. She called back immediately, saying the curtains were closed. I told her how to get into the house, and told her to get her husband too. I felt really silly, making such a fuss and potentially embarrassing him. She called me back a few minutes later, in tears. She was so sorry but they had found him upstairs and his skin was white.

I screamed and cried, and then I got very calm and packed a bag, like before. We drove over and found police and paramedics in the kitchen, same as last time. Our lovely funeral directors arrived a few hours later and they gently helped me see his body. He looked like a waxwork but I am glad I saw him as I would never have believed it otherwise. We had the funeral last week.

I have spent much of the last three weeks at his house, caring for his pets, who I will have to take in. My sibling is here too, for another week. I couldn't eat or sleep at first but it's getting easier.

I am not really sure what I want from this thread. I just wanted to make a start by writing out what happened. I'll probably add more soon. I don't really think grief has hit me yet.

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like a lovely person. It's not fair, though it is good that you had these 2 years together for him to heal from all you had both had been through, and for him to enjoy focusing on being your dad. You were clearly very close.

You are a coper, aren't you? And a very thoughtful person, even thinking of your neighbour taking her husband in with her. I was very much the same when dealing with my parents. The practical, coping mechanism does delay grieving IME, but that's not wrong. You grieve in your own time, in your own way. Just remember to look after yourself, in the meantime.x

Oh love, so sorry to read this. It sounds as though he had calm in the last couple of years and that maybe he passed quickly. A relief for him but a shock for you. Sending you strength x

I am so sorry for your loss.
The shock of a sudden, unexpected death is indescribable.
It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship and that he knew how very much you loved him. In time that will bring comfort.
Take care x.

@Justmadesourkraut thank you for your kind message. Yes, I think I am a coper. I like that you said that, and Dad would be proud of me. We learned to cope with a lot. There were a lot of crises in the years before my mum died. Various "minor" suicide attempts. Rushing over to the house. Retrieving her car at 7am from a clifftop. All of it awful but we really took care of each other.

After her death, Dad was extremely generous to me in that we talked for hours, over weeks, and he answered every question I had about their lives, the things I didn't know. He helped me make sense of things, even when it was hard for him to share. He was a brilliant person. He never put any pressure on us, just support. I was thinking, if he cannot be here any more to guide me, his voice will have to stay in my head.

I wasn't a coper or a thoughtful person when I was younger. My mum was lost very early on, and I didn't learn anything of value from her. How to care for others, how to cope, how to be thoughtful. I am pleased I have learned these things. Not that I see all of this as some glorious character arc. It isn't. It's all shit. It's just a small consolation to think that it has not made me worse, as a person.

I am sorry to hear this. My mother died in very similar circumstances. She had been unwell, but not with anything thought to be life-threatening, so she had to have a postmortem. I don't have any particular wisdom to share. Just know you aren't alone, and accept any help and support you are offered. It was nearly 5 years ago now, grief changes and becomes easier to cope with, but it hasn't left me. Best wishes.

i also lost my mum to suicide and then my dad 7 years later after several years of heart failure. I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s incredibly hard but it will start to feel less so little bit by little bit. Allow yourself the time to grieve and give yourself permission to think and feel whatever you really are thinking and feeling. There were times when I was just so angry, at my mum at the world, at doctors, at my friends who hadn’t lost both their parent. There were times I felt sad, times I felt happy remembering the good times. There’s no right way to do it.

So sorry for your loss

In some ways this is much like Mum's death, and in others it is very different. Not many people's mothers hang themselves in the dining room (I am sorry to be so direct) but it is quite normal to lose your much-loved dad, even if it is just too soon. This time it is softer and quieter. Less complicated.

I don't actually miss my dad that much yet, which seems strange as we were so close. Being in his house, amongst his stuff, has felt very gentle. Of course there has been lots I'd like to tell him. Important things and silly things. We would laugh about virtually everything.

What else? The police were very good when Mum died. They were friendly, gentle, straightforward. The ones we got with Dad were idiots. Dad's wallet was on the kitchen table, yet the younger officer saw fit to rifle through his office and even declared to me, solemnly, that my dad had a will. As if that was my concern right then. I think the stupid c--- had been watching too much television. He also asked, did my dad have shotguns because 'it looks a bit farm-y in here'. I might make a complaint but then I don't need more admin right now.

Our funeral directors – possibly the kindest, most sensitive people on this earth. Can never thank them enough. This would have been so much harder without them. They were great with mum too. Support your local independent funeral directors, people.

Family – a bit tricky as my lovely aunt was diagnosed with serious cancer just a few days after dad (her brother) died. My other aunts have found all of this immensely hard but they travelled for the funeral and have been on hand to support, even though they are being pulled in all directions. My partner is deeply upset as my dad was a real friend to him, even a sort of substitute father. My brother has been so strong and I am so glad to have him.

The rest of it – the admin is getting handled. My brother is doing a lot but more will fall to me soon. I know people will support me.

The pressing thing I have to handle is my dad's dog and cat. In the first week, that upset me even more than my dad's death, to be honest. I love them both and the cat is especially attached to me. When I'd stay there, he'd be glued to me the whole time. At first I thought they will have to be rehomed, which would break my heart. And it would be difficult, because they're 13 and 11. Now I feel more able to handle things and they will live with me. I work at home, my house and garden are similar to my dad's and my road is quieter. I have finally been able to start researching how to settle them and what I need to do, buy and bring. It will take care and patience but I think I can do it, and my partner is fully on board with the idea. I would prefer not to have any advice on this issue on this forum, just because I am still working it all out in my own time, and I was furious when a woman at the funeral (who I barely recognised) immediately started interrogating me about what I would do with the dog.

Thank you for sharing this. I reckon I know a lot of how you feel. It helps me to know I'm not the only one.

We even got a handwritten note from the old family doctor, apologising for how medicine had failed our family. (Mum was put on an insane cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics for years, with no medicine review, no consideration for her heavy drinking and no interest in how she might recover, and my dad therefore did not trust doctors and hadn't been in 24 years.)

I think my dad would probably still be here, if he had a partner who cared for him and insisted, as partners do, that he get checked out. My brother is pretty angry about this, understandably.

Much love and thank you again.