Hanging by a thread

[suki1964]

Me and mum had a very complicated relationship

She left me and my sisters with my alcoholic abusive father back in 76, got herself a new man, had the lifestyle she had always wanted, and never once looked back

I could write reams but the back bones is, 3 sisters completely separated, one refuses to engage as two kept a relationship with mother, those two are separated by distance = Australia and UK

Mum and her husband moved in with me and DH when we moved countries, Her DH was disabled, there was no one else , so we bought a big enough house to home us all. I was "step dads" carer until he died and mum cared for by me and DH until she passed there in March

I grew up as a kid knowing my dad actually hated me - have the scars to prove it. But it wasnt until my breakdown, and a years inpatient treatment that I came to realise mum was pretty bloody shit as well

But that's all by the by really

Im just totally fucked , I dont know which end is up right now

DH has been like a rocket. Since April he has worked through the house , in a way forcing me to deal with personal belongings before I felt ready, and yet the same time I knew it al had to be done, and yet I feel like Ive thrown my mother away????

As every room mum had ( it was a shared house, she had living room, 2 bedrooms , 2 bathrooms ) has been ripped apart, furniture sent to charity , personal belongings sent, I feel more and more my mum has gone

And yet I didnt like her. Oh I loved her, I used to adore her, but our last 20 years , I didnt like her

Everyone would say to me, you will miss her, and id be like not a ruddy mission

And I dont "miss" her.

I think I miss my role

For 20 years we lived a life around old people. Now suddenly , whilst we are older, we have freedom. Only nothing seems to be changing, We are still living the life we have been living for way too long

I find I get overwhelmed by grief but I dont think Im grieving mum, just the life she stole from me, and then I have guilt for those thoughts

And the grief is so difficult because DH knows me and mums relationship so thinks its a tad over blown, and tbh Im totally floored with the emotions .

Im totally lost

Im not asking for help, Im just putting this here and maybe someone gets it

That's a lot OP. Did your mum die in April? Because that's no time at all. There's a lot to work through inside your head, never mind in the house. Some counselling might be a plan though, when you're up to it

When my Mum died last year (I adored her) I lost both my parent, but also my caring role (so, in effect, my job). It’s only now, over a year later, that things are settling. I have freedom now, but don’t know what to do with it.

You are still very early on in the grieving process. Give yourself time, and be kind to yourself. Counselling could also help.

I’m so sorry. You gave a huge amount to people who did not give you anything like as much. That sounds really painful.

Ive had three close family losses and two less close in the past few years, plus the normal number of friends etc dying that happens in your 50s. Some have hurt far more than others and I’m a bit confused as to why that is. It seems to me that you’ve had a lot of losses and it’s all overflowed with your mum’s death.

I certainly found therapy pretty helpful. If I’d had no money I would probably have done more yoga though. When I’m acutely bereaved yoga makes me cry and is cathartic. Something about just holding a position and breathing, not being in constant motion, helped me feel what I needed to feel. 💐