Mum just died - what do we need to do?

[dandelionfluffy]

Just had word from my DB that my mum died today, it was a very sudden illness, from being at home doing her regular things, driving herself, less than 2 months ago, she was then in hospital and never went home.
I hope we can manage to sort out her affairs amicably, but of course best laid plans.
Just wondering what's next/first? I do tend to find that getting on with things helps me process them, though I'm waiting for things from my DB as well obviously.

DB is off to the hospital later to get paperwork. I gather we don't get a death certificate for several days.

I am executor as is a relative that I suspect DM thought would be able to help us but though he is sensible he is not as specialist as DM probably thought.

I know we'll need probate as she owned her own home, divorced for many years from my DF though amicably. She's left it to us (though DB and I both have 2 DCs and she may have left a proportion to them as well/instead, I know that for children/grandchildren the IHT threshold is increased), and the house is worth over the lower but not over the higher threshold (if you leave it to children).

DM had quite a few antiques and I think we have to have the contents valued? And then apply for probate once we know the value of the antiques?
I've read people just sometimes use a website like mouseprices to value the home - can we just ask a family member (e.g. my DF) to check which antiques might be valuable? Or do they expect proof?

I have no idea if she had life insurance. I know she had an occupational pension and some state pension.

DB and family are staying in DM house currently so there isn't an insurance issue I think. There's been someone there most weeks since DM went into hospital. All her paperwork is there (and it's quite organised) and DB has access to her laptop/phone.

Also fairly unusually (and I've NCd in case this is identifying though I'm a long standing MN user, cancel the cheque, naice ham) DM has left her body to medical science. I gather that sometimes they do not accept bodies, but I guess we'll have to see. This means we can have a memorial service whenever we want, I think.

She did die in hospital and DB seems to be able to sort that out quite quickly.
However I have discovered that, though I thought she'd sold a flat she used to rent out, in fact she still had it.
Oh well.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
The hospital is usually helpful for getting initial paperwork sorted, it may take a few days to come back, and you can’t do much else until the have it.
Im assuming you have a will?

Contact a local funeral director- they gave me lots of prompts when I lost my parents.
Get a probate valuation for the house (s).
Try to get a list of banks and investments.
List utilities- elec/gas/water/council tax/phone etc. you’ll need to contact them all.
But don’t panic. There isn’t too much of a rush. You’ve plenty of time.

So sorry for the loss of your DM I wanted to say when my dad died I was running a company and had some massive projects mid flow that I couldn’t drop, he was also hospital and very sudden, I had no choice but to work for a few days clear the load and handover to the team, I didn’t share that with many people and I’m sure my staff thought I was crazy but you know I needed to park my own stress and handover to be able to fully grieve and accept my dads death, I feel having my life in order also made me feel ready to support my DM way better as I could fully switch off emails. Some fab advice on here, I would also add don’t forget to check premium bonds and investments as well as standard banks we found 20k in an old isa mum didn’t know they had.

Firstly my sympathies on losing your DM.

As she's left her body to medical research do you know which School she had an agreement with? Normally, they will collect her from the hospital and take her straight to the premises; i.e. you don't need a funeral director at this point and actually don't need a funeral director at all unless you want one - you can book and arrange the memorial service yourselves.This also gives you time to finish your projects, and sit down with your DB/fellow executor(s).

Within the next 18 months you will probably be invited to a service by the School thanking those (their families) who have donated their bodies. In the future you'll be offered the chance to attend her cremation; the School will book a crematorium near them, and she will have a brief service whether or not you go - it's done very nicely. But it does reopen the loss.

It's an amazing gift she's giving in making this decision, but it can be challenging as a family member; there's no chance of popping to the funeral director's for a goodbye.

So sorry for your loss. I know it's unthinkably hard but encourage you to stop and feel it, doesnt need to be today or next week but allow yourself to feel

@WindyBeech we found out they are not currently taking donations so there will be a funeral. DB and I are on the same page about that as a relative who died recently made a lovely choice we think our mum would like.

I have opened a Revolut account for expenses to keep it all separate.

That happened with my mum at Xmas too. They didn’t need her body and we had a funeral.

I'm sorry to hear that. At least you've tried to honour her wishes; having the funeral does make it simpler.

We had the same challenge when my grandmother died, the School was having building works so not taking donations but they had a reciprocal agreement with another school if we paid the additional transport costs. It all felt quite bizarre to do so. As I mentioned, it does reopen your grief later on, so whilst I'm delighted we met her wishes, I'm not sure I entirely recommend it for the rest of the family.

I hope everything goes smoothly for you now; the work project will give you a little breathing room while your subconscious processes what's happening.

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last month and it's so tough, even if it was expected.
Just a heads up, you might find it takes longer than you think to get the appt for the death certificate, there are significant waiting times in many areas.

DB says he's going today to get the death cert. and he's sent me copies of several bills, so I'm going to get those transferred to me.

For the moment I think we need to get the heating/lighting to stay on - he's sorted out the car tax, which I didn't think we could do without the death cert but he's paid so they must have accepted that he's now the keeper of the vehicle!

Apparently there may be room for a donation (I absolutely hate that term, I think that's probably the part of this that has caused the most visceral reaction. I don't hate that she made this decision, just how it's described).

Woke up in the night and thought "something's wrong or different" and realised what it was, then again thought the same thing this morning. I think this is common and I've had it with previous bereavements - you have that moment when you aren't aware that something has changed and then the realisation.

I have a list of 4 or 5 things to do today for my big project and I've told myself to do them and then do some paperwork as doing that will set my mind at rest re. urgent things.

Get more death certificates than you think you’ll need - you can get them later if you need but they’re more expensive. The registrar should talk you through it and initial states when you register the death x

I had this booklet for a relative. It was very good.

Check the terms of the occupational pension & who she may have nominated.

I thought this was only for death in service, dependent children, or partners?

I think it depends on how long your mum was in receipt of her pension.
For my pension if I die within a certain time (5 years I think) from the day I start to receive my pension then a lump sum will be payable. I think it's the equivalent of 5 years payments less anything I have already received.

Ah no, it's been way longer than that (retired in her 60s, she was in her 80s when she died).

I'd contradict this - in my very recent experience a lot of organisations seem to be happy to just see a scan of one or be given the reference number of the certificate. I've had to show an original certificate a the post office today when organising mail redirection, and had to send a copy to mums pension company (which they returned via registered post within a week).

So I could have got away with one, but got two. At £12.50 a pop they're not cheap so you really don;t want to be ordering loads and then not use them.

MIL wanted to leave her body to MS research but unfortunately timing didn't allow as she passed away on good friday so nobody was available til the tuesday to even start paperwork and a post mortem was also required.
Do you know which solicitor helped with a will- often they are very helpful in decoding what is required. Get several copies of the death certificate, then they can be on several tasks at once.

DH is still dealing with MIL estate with his aunt and brother and they have found the death certificates invaluable, but it was/ is a rather complex estate

Don't pay a solicitor. Go to MSE. There is a Probate board where they will help you. It is fairly straightforward.

Sorry for your loss. FYI if there is life insurance often it is NOT part of the estate as it pays out to a beneficiary eg you and your db, not to the deceased person.

Therefore Life insurance not typically subject to IHT and you don’t include it in the estate for probate purposes

ONLY life insurance written in trust stays outside an estate.

Depends how complex the estate is. Many organisations hang on to them and send back at their leisure and if we hadn’t had multiple copies we would have struggled.

*Last two years probate in laws estate dealing with property sale, private pensions, wealth management company and nhs care for the dependent surviving partner ( fil dementia care home ).

I do know which solicitor as he contacted me having got a message from my mum while she was in hospital. There was an email from her about a codicil which she wasn't alert enough to sign but I can probably organise most of it through goodwill.
I've now emailed him to tell him she's died.

Brother doesn't think she has any life insurance. He's going through the filing cabinet and scanning everything, but we've done the urgent things mainly (car, utilities, registering the death) so we can take a breather.