How long off work?

[morningtrain]

My DM died last week. I have an unususl problem to have perhaps, you see my work are incredibly flexible & kind & have told me: ‘take as long as you need’.. I had a week off to care for her pre-death, and obviously am reeling right now, but how long is reasonable to take off? We have no HR/ formal bereavement policy at all so not even sure if this time is being paid. How should I approach this?

I presume you will be staying off work until after the funeral (there’s so much to be done during that period) but afterwards too there will be property and personal effects to be dealt with at a time when you may not be feeling up to it at all.
I don’t think you need to make hard and fast decisions for a while. Would it help to say to work or HR that you’re not sure yet about how long you will need? And that you will of course keep them informed?

I am so very sorry for your loss. I never knew it was possible to feel so utterly in despair. My df passed away Thursday. I had last week off work as he was extremely poorly in hospital. Im taking Monday and Tuesday to meet with the hospital bereavement support and receive his death certificate. Then im back in to work. Will take the day off when we go to register his death. Then take probably a week around his funeral whenever that will be to make any arrangements, support mum. We started to look at sorting his things in the house this morning but it's just too much for me right now. I cant think straight.
Im actually looking forward to work Wednesday where I can 'ignore ' what has happened for a few hours.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Do you have a HR person or department that you can speak to?

I know you've mentioned your employer is very flexible but it may be that they will ask you for a Doctor's note to cover your absence.

When someone passes away, the employee generally receives upto 3 working days of bereavement leave or upto 5 working days of bereavement leave. In larger organisations it is expected that a person should provide a Doctor's note for any additional time off.

The majority of people tend to use the maximum amount of leave. It can be taken at any point - so some use 1 day for the funeral.

I hope you are feeling as ok as can be expected. Life is terrible sometimes. 💐

The following Monday after the funeral.

I found this helped me a little:

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn’t get to say

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you’ll miss me too

When tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready
In Heaven far above
And that I would have to leave behind
All those I dearly love

But when I walked through Heaven’s Gates
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me
From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity
And all I promised you
Today your life on earth is done
But here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last
And since each day’s the exact same way
There is no longing for the past

So when tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me
Remember I’m right here in your heart.

-Credit David A Romano

That's a tricky one. My standard contract was always 3 days for a close loss, but grief isn't quite that tidy. When my DD died, my DH took 2.5 weeks off. At that point it was good for him to go back to work mentally. At some point getting back to routine and keeping busy was good.

I haven't lost a parent but I'll need to travel for that, so I imagine a week, depending on how long it takes to get a funeral and the needs of the other parent.

Your work sounds flexible, so talk to them. Even if you run out of bereavement leave, you have sick leave.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m very sorry for your loss. 💐

Whilst ‘take as long as you need’ sounds very supportive I would try to clarify with work what the expectation is. How much leave might be paid/unpaid and is there a point that they will need a sick note to cover your period of absence?

From experience ‘take as long as you need (paid?)’ rarely means exactly that and it becomes difficult for everyone if there isn’t something agreed no matter how difficult that conversation might be.

My dad passed away on 20th June and I took two weeks off, he had a direct cremation and that was enough time to be with my mum to get everything from the hospital, register the death and arrange the cremation. She was coping well considering and she and I felt she would be okay. I would have taken longer had it been a funeral or she wasn't coping. This was within the NHS.

My work is 2 weeks fully paid for direct family bereavement

When my brother died I also took en extra four weeks until the funeral and this was off sick as grieving and stress and comes under sick leave. You can email your GP and they'll do it straight away for you, they are v supportive and do advise this a lot

Sorry for your loss.
I Do think you need to clarify whether you will be paid, and whether you need to get your GP to sign you off.
As for how long you need, it’s different for everyone. I went to work the day after my dad died, and just took the day of the funeral off, but I didn’t want to sit at home alone crying, for me it was better to have something to do, to distract me. I wasn’t the one arranging the funeral, I just had to turn up.
Same when my grandparents died, I went to school/ work as normal, just had time off for the funerals.
Some people have all the admin to do, some people don’t feel that they are able to function properly, or have jobs that require 100% attention and focus. It might be the case that you will only be paid for a few days, regardless of how you feel, and if that is so, you’ll have to decide if you can afford more time off.
Be gentle with yourself, and if you need to take time out to have a little cry, even if you are at work, that’s OK.

my mum died on a Tuesday and i had the rest of the week off.

I had six weeks off when my mum died. My dad died many years ago and my mum lived alone so there was lots to do. Its standard to get 2 weeks off for a close relative at my work- this was extended at my mangers discretion to 3 weeks due to how I found her as I was in shock for about a week after- literally 'shaking and crying' I also had 2 weeks pre booked annual leave and went on holiday for a week . Then off sick the whole week of the funeral. I am still looking after her house while it's up for sale. I could not have gone back to work sooner- well I could but took the time to grieve properly before I did. Was also exhausted anyway after looking after her in the weeks leading to her death. So sorry to everyone who has lost someone dear to them. Take as long as you need- not just the practical stuff your feelings and wellbeing matter.

I had a week off after my mother died. Long enough for the funeral. I was happy to have something to take my mind off things, and she was elderly and not well so it wasn’t like a surprise. Guess I had done quite a bit of grieving before she died.

My mum was diagnosed with cancer and given three months to live. She was 65 and lived alone. My work said to take the time off to care for her which I did.

When she died I called them about going back and they said to stay off till after the funeral which was three weeks away, as I was the executor and had to arrange it and her estate stuff etc. Funeral was the 27th and I went back the 5th of the next month.

So I had four weeks off after she died and four months in total. I had handed in sick notes from the doctor who was also amazingly supportive. It was put down as stress.

Take as long as you feel you need if your work are understanding. I'm so sorry, look after yourself.

Everyone is different. I took 5 days when my dad died, and just wanted to get back to work, to take my mind off it. My brother also went back the same day I did. For some people they may take a few months. I knew after the funeral would be tough, and so I just wanted to get back into a routine. Take it day by day.

So sorry for your loss.

I was initially told "take all the time you need" by our HR person when dad passed, but it turned out it wasn't quite that simple. I was entitled to a set number of days (I think it was 10?). But after that length of time I was nowhere near ready to go back - I was showing symptoms of depression, possibly linked to the traumatic nature of dad's last few days, and my counsellor and GP both agreed I should be signed off work due to I'll health. I think I had nearly two months off in the end.

However, my brother returned to work much sooner than this. I organised the funeral so that may have made it harder for me to compartmentalise - but I think it's more just that we are all different and respond to the same things differently.

One thing to be aware of - when I told my HR person that I felt unwell and would be seeing my GP, she asked that if I did get a fit note, please could I ask the Dr not to mention bereavement on it. Which there was no need to, as my illness was stress/depression, so he put that - no need to name what caused it on the note. This is apparently a fairly standard thing for employers to do, and GPs are used to it. If you should become unwell and need to be signed off work following this loss, it may be worth checking with your employer to see if they require this too.

Look after yourself - losing a parent is brutal.