First of all sorry for the long post! Just feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment and thinking that maybe getting some different perspectives may bring clarity. Unfortunately my father passed last week. I'm absolutely devastated but glad I was there at his end and was able to help him through his terminal cancer. His passing was very traumatic. He wanted to pass at home and was constantly playing down his end of life symptoms. He ended up having a fall in the bathroom while I was outside. He was such a proud man, so much so that when my back was turned he tried to get himself to the toilet. I found him on the floor. His partner rang an ambulance and I sat hugging him until it arrived but he took his last breaths and passed pretty much as soon as they began to move him from me. Needless to say it was a pretty traumatic evening.
I offered to stay with his partner that evening to give her some emotional support but she said she'd be fine, so after the coroner had taken my dad I went home. I didn't sleep that night so the following day just felt like I was surviving on adrenaline. The next morning his partners daughter called and asked if I knew where he kept his will. I'm not going to lie, I immediately felt disheartened by this, as my dad hadn't even been gone for 12 hrs and they were rooting through his things trying to find if they were in his will. Bit of background, my dad isn't married to his partner and they don't have kids together. His partner has always made a point of wanting to keep their finances separate. She is fairly comfortable. Money hasn't ever been an issue for her, so much so that she's not long given her granddaughter £10,000 towards her Australia gap year. She also owns her own house outright, which was one of the main reasons she never wanted to marry my dad as she didn't want him to have any rights to it if she passed before him. She was always very honest about this. Infact when she was going in for an operation last year and was told that she may not make it through the other side, she called me when my dad was asleep and told me that i need to understand that if she didnt come through the op, my dad would be made homeless and have to move out as she wants the house to be sold and distributed to her kids. I think she was basically telling me this because she knew that i would potentially have to house my dad until he found somewhere else to live. I never discussed this with him as he wasnt well at the time with what we now know was the beginning of his cancer and i didnt want him to stress. Shes always been a very matter of a fact sort of person. She purposely made sure that all of the utilities were in her name. She would take my father to the bank to withdraw money out of his account to pass onto her to contribute towards the bills so that there was no record of his contributions. I'm not complaining about any of this, as my dad never objected, just setting the scene about how they both lived.
My dad always insisted that he didnt want a funeral as such. He requested a direct cremation and a small family gathering, so in terms of cash it was a relatively small cost of £1500. Obviously his partner wanted to have my dads ashes back so she had to deal with the funeral company directly. I offered to pay but she told me there was no need. Now my dad never really had much financially. Yes he invested in a couple of decent private pensions, one which he cashed out when he found out he was terminal, but he didn't own his own home and his accounts at time of passing had £20000 in them.
After his partners daughter contacted the will providers it turned out he didn't actually have a will. He had someone come out for a chat with him and they drafted a document up for him to look over and sign, but he never signed it. They said they could post it out for us to maybe see his last intentions but unfortunately it had no legal standing. Because of this, he died intestate meaning what was in his bank account funds would automatically pass to his 4 children, once the funeral costs were paid. The will company stated that at the time of speaking with him he advised that he had left me and my brother a gift of £5000 each. 2 of my brothers he had left out, and his partner was to be given any residual money left once the funeral and any loose ends with debt had been paid. He had also listed me as executor. I got some advise from the national bereavement agency and they advised that either myself or brothers would have to now act in place of executor to close accounts and distribute funds, but as the will wasnt signed the amounts would be split between closest living relatives, in our case it was his kids. My brothers nominated me, so now its up to me to follow bereavement law and distribute my dad's money according to intestancy law. Needless to say things have turned sour with my dad's partner. Two of my brothers were estranged and she's basically asking me not to mention the cash to them as weren't in the unsigned will, and just transfer the money to her. She just keeps on telling me it's what my dad would have wanted. I was in total shock when she asked me to do this.
The forms I have to sign from the bank to access the money contain an indemnity waiver which basically says if I don't distribute the estate as per the law then I will be the one who faces not only the financial bit also the legal repercussions. I tried to explain this to her but she doesn't seem to understand and im sure she thinks im just being akward. I've told her that if she wants to reach out to my brothers ( one of them hasn't been in touch for 14 years and I can't trace him for love nor money)
then maybe she could chat with them and see if they would waiver their inheritance and pass it onto her. She's not happy with this. She told me yesterday, after offering to pay for the funeral that she can't afford anymore as she's not set to inherit from him. I've told her not to worry as I'll pay for everything but I know she's not short of cash so this is just a way of trying to punish me. I just wished she'd never touched on the will until we'd given my dad his send off. This is the exact reason I felt uncomfortable with her trying to find ot the day after his death. I feel like I haven't had time to grieve him as I've had nothing but earache and stress about his unsigned will for the last week since he passed. In fact I'm so sick of it that I'm considering telling her that she can have the few grand he wanted me to have as I just want to wash my hands of it all now and process the death of my dad. Am i being unreasonable feel this way? I'm so sleep deprived and out of sorts I just can't think straight anymore.