Went to a funeral today.

[Enko]

I went to a funeral today. I worked as a manager in a building for retired people for 4 years. I got very fond of one of the residents and have kept in touch in the 2 years since I left.

His brother did a lovely Eulogy however I felt the vicars speech showed that he didn't know my friend. Not that vicar was rude or anything he tried to build a connection through speaking of his own cricket experiences. (My friend was an avid cricket fan) I just didnt recognise my friend in the sermon.

It was a strange feeling as I didnt know a lot of the people there but I knew stories he had told me. The photo on the order of service and on their screen was of him as a young man. He was in his 80s when I got to know him.

I spoke with his wife (they were separated amicably) and his brother and both were lovely. Mentioned he often spoke of me.

I wanted to say goodbye to a lovely man and I am pleased I went but it is also strange when you are in an odd way an outsider yet its someone you cared about.

I’m sorry to hear your experience- I have been to a funeral of a dear friend which didn’t reflect her at all. There was no wake or chance to talk to her friends.
can you find a way to remember him in your way?

His brothers eulogy really was lovely. I recognised everything in that so I think I will just remember that and "forget" about the sermon. My friend wasnt religious so I was actually a little surprised they had chosen a religious sceremony but it means I am feeling ok with "forgetting" the sermon.

I will think about him everytime I open a bottle of yellow tail. (He enjoyed a glass of wine)

Funerals can be funny like that sometimes.
People can be so different at different stages of their lives and/or at different ages.

The vicar may not have been given a good picture of the man you knew, but the man his family knew.

I dont think it was the picture from his family either. The vicar spoke of his own experience as a cricket empire. And why people on his team liked to tell the other team his job as a vicar.

Idk. As I said his brothers Eulogy was truely lovely. I recognised everything in his warm memories of his brother and learned a little about him as a family member .. it made me smile.

My neighbours funeral was so bad, me and DH were ready to walk out

The minister was a visiting minister and used the service to give a sermon , so not what we are used to at all and nothing at all to do with the departed

I buried mum recently , and not being religious didnt have a minister so relied on the FD to find us one. He was wonderful. Spent a morning with us to get to know about mum and our lives, and then had to also work with sisters family taking part in the service via a messenger link from Australia . He knew we weren't religious so only incorporated the bits they have to , spent a lot of time talking about mum and the wider family viewing from afar. Was a pretty jolly occassion = all things considered

Funerals are all so different

Ugh my father had a Catholic ceremony and it had little to do with him and he was not a believer, however my mother was a firm Catholic (went to daily mass). When she passed there was no doubt she’d want a Catholic service but her normal priest was away and the one who did it didn’t know her, though it’s so full of prayer there’s very little chance to say anything about the person who has died. We asked the priest if we could have a couple readings and a friend (a fervent Catholic) wanted to say a few words and the priest said readings had to be XYZ, and he was very reluctant to let her friend speak. It was all about God.
I contrast my FiL had a humanist service a month later and it was lovely. All about him. His sons spoke and there was a slide show of his life. It was everything I wish my mother’s was.
When my own DH passed away I had the director of the funeral home officiate, and he told me as non religious there was no script. So I wrote every single word he said other than ‘good morning ’. He was actually quite brilliant because he only got the words a few minutes beforehand but you’d have thought he was speaking his own words. Four people stood up to talk, including DH’s oldest son. So so so much better - even his ex wife told me she thought it was perfect!
I have heard of people coming out of funerals saying they didn’t recognise who people were talking about - making tricky opinionated people sound like saints. In your case the officiant did their best.

Soubds like you both get it @suki1964 & @mondaytosunday its a odd feeling.

He was a lovely man and a brilliant story teller he made me laugh a lot. I think I just would have liked to feel the sermon was about him as he was so lovely. But again his brother did an amazing job

Burying mum, and having to previously organise her husbands funeral, its made me realise how important a funeral is - to those left behind

I was of the mind that I was having a direct cremation, but buying the grave for mum, there's room for another two ( me and DH ) and Im now actively thinking about my own demise ( hopefully Ive another 20 years ahead) But I dont want someone barely knowing me cobbling together a service ( I dont have children ) , so Im thinking about music, prayers, and eulogy for myself and DH, hes already got his music sorted.

I want the service to be about US , and when we pass, there is no one left who knows US. They know bits, they know the bits they have seen, but not us

I tried to get mum to organise hers when we put the POA in place, but she didnt think she was ever going to die and didnt want to think or talk about it

For me, now living in a part of the UK where death is part and parcel and not hidden away, we have wakes and huge funerals, I feel more capable for planning ahead

I have these discussions with my children and dh. When my mum died 10 years ago it turned out noone had spoken to her about her wishes bar me in one conversation. Thankfully my having that conversation meant we knew she wanted a funeral in a church. And we knew where she wanted to be buried.

Funerals are important they are how we say goodbye and they are a part of how we grieve.

For my friend at least the Eulogy was spoken with love and kindness from his brother and spoke of a man who was known and acknowledged as a kind loving and inteligent man.

I think that happens to many vicars: they are asked to speak at a funeral but have not really ever known the deceased. Ideally, they talk to the family and gather a picture from there but it must be difficult.

Hang on to your memories of your friend and his brother's eulogy.
sorry for your loss.

It is difficult when the minister didn't really know the person who has died, and for you as you only knew him in his later years. The worst funeral I have attended was my grandfather. It was clear that not only had he not known my grandfather, but he hadn't spent any time with the family to find out anything, so not only did he do a very religious service (which grandad would have hated, but he called him by the wrong name, not once, but every time he mentioned him.
My mum's funeral recently was my h better - although not religious we knew the minister through other family and he had also conducted my dad's funeral several years ago, so he had met and chatted with my mum. The service was perfect, struck just the right note. As for the photos, we chose one of her as a much younger woman - carefree, laughing, before life caught up with her, so a lot of the attendees would not have recognised her, but family certainly did.

We need to speak about death more , and not celebrate it as such, but to normalise the conversation around it

We are all going to die, that's a given, so we need to talk to family if we have one or make our own arrangements before we get to the point that we cant