Possible grief burnout 5 years in

[Worrying1985]

It’s been 5 years since I lost my mum suddenly to a heart attack. We were very close, very similar people. She’s left such a big hole in my life.
at the time I was in my late 30s with two very small DC and although I did go through at least 18 months of daily grief and shed so many tears, it feels like my grief is now returning full force again but in a different shape.
it feels as if a big grey heavy shapeless mass has recently taken over. It’s hard to describe. I am tired, on edge, and although I still feel like I hold things together quite well (full time work, full on DC etc) I think a lot about wanting to step away from things and take a chunk of time off. I’m anxious about things that are completely coincidentally linked to what happened. I’m pretty much always in that zone where if anyone asks me how I am, i am at risk of bursting into tears.
parenting wise I shout more than I want to, worry much more than I would like to, and want to run towards and away from my DC at the same time.
does anyone recognise this - I’m worried it could be grief burnout and I probably need to spend a lot of money on a therapist. :-(

I'm sorry.

I can't give you any advice, but I think that what you're experiencing is not unusual. I lost my husband over 5 years ago (to a heart attack) and I have moments where grief just hits me full force. (In my case I think that I've been suffering from carer burnout.)

Have you had any counselling ?

Would you consider taking a low dose of an antidepressant?

I am sorry for the loss of your Mum.

I lost mine, suddenly, also 5 years ago, and I get some of what you are referring to here.

I get these weeks where it all comes flooding back and it feels like I am right there, back in those early weeks again, when I could barely breathe and barely function for the heaviness of my grief.

I am more aware of things now too and have become more anxious about death. My own, or losing one of my DD's or my DH. It is almost like an underlying fear that I now live with because I know that pain of losing someone who you feel you can't live without.

I miss my Mum so much sometimes that it physically hurts and I don't think I will ever fully get over what happened to her.

However, for the most part I am actually okay and now can mostly think of my Mum and smile and feel very very grateful for her and that I was lucky enough to have had her as my Mum. I have been able to reframe my thinking and I am able to do that by having grief counselling. Talking things through with my counsellor enabled me to fully process what had happened to my Mum and to deal with those feelings and thoughts.

Have you had any kind of bereavement or grief counselling?

Were you ever able to talk about what happened to her and make sense of it and process it?

I think its very difficult to be able to move on if you have not been able to wrap your head around it all.

I can relate to how you are feeling, I lost my Mum almost 2 years ago and also have young kids, I have coped almost too well I think sometimes by keeping busy and now I feel as you describe like there is a big black cloud hanging over me. I long to see her even though I know it's not possible. I don't feel that much makes me happy these days and I feel guilty for that as I love my children so much and my family.

No advice just to let you know that you are not alone 🩵

Yes and no. When I was pregnant and had my daughter, I really miss my mum who died many years ago. But when I was about 43, I started getting inconsolable about how much I miss my mum and how much I missed her in my daughter‘s life. I also had a lot of aches and pains and terrible heart palpitations which I thought thought might be blood blood blood pressure or something related. I also thought I was depressed because I had a real grey cloud even though life was enjoyable when I researched it. The symptoms led to paramedics and I realised I was 45. I went to the doctor to take HRT and have felt so much better for it. I still miss my mum that that feeling of helplessness turned out to be lack of oestrogen. Could that be you?

Sorry about typos I don’t seem to be able to edit it

Thank you for the comments. All so helpful. I’m going to book a GP appointment and see if there’s something going on with my hormones which won’t be helping. Then I think I will book some therapy sessions. Thanks all