Dad on palliative care, I'm struggling with guilt and grief

[BigBubblesX]

Sorry if this is a long one, but I really need a space to let it all out.
My Dad is currently on palliative care at home, he was diagnosed with lung cancer in December 2025, and it spread to his bones so he is terminal. They attempted radiotherapy May but it just caused his body so much stress that the decision was made to withdraw from that treatment plan and he has since degraded a lot. He was sent home on Tuesday on palliative care.
I don't live nearby, so haven't been able to get down, I was going to go down this Sunday but my brother said last night that they don't think he is going to make it to the weekend. I made my way down today with my husband and 2 DD. I didn't want my dad to see me cry, but as soon as I walked in and saw how frail and ill he looked, I cried. The last time I saw him was March and he was pushing my DD 's on the swings and roundabouts at the playground near him, so I was just so shocked to see him like that. I also think I half expected it all to have been a bit over dramatic on my aunties behalfs, but it really wasn't and I think now it's really hit home that he is dying. He only turned 70 in April.
We haven't had the best relationship, he cheated on my mum when I was young and so the family was split apart, he was inattentive and neglected us at times we were in his care (preferring alcohol over us). The biggest fallout we had was when I was groomed and SA by my nephews father, my dad was engaged to my nephews father's mum (I know it sounds like a soap opera but sadly it's a complicated small town), and instead of choosing me he stayed with her and that family. I had no support so the case was dropped as I was told I would need a strong support network and did I really want to put my nephew through losing his dad to prison (police words). It really hurt me that he stayed with her and saw my abuser every day. I moved away, I built a life for myself and got away from that small town and I now have a wonderful husband and beautiful Dd'S. I did get back in touch with my dad a few years after it all happened and before I met my husband, as he reached out and I thought, he is my dad and I love him. My husband wonders why I bother with my family after all that, and I often wonder as well, but now he's dying I have so much guilt and grief hitting me.
I feel terrible for not seeing him more, or calling more, or not answering calls as I was busy with my DD's. I've never lost someone close to me before so I don't know if this is a normal part of grief?
I dread the funeral as I imagine my abuser will be there, my stepmother has been civil in all honesty and apologised to me today for everything that happened in the past. My dad does love her so I'm being civil for him but I really dread the aftermath and just actually losing him. I don't want my Dad to die.
I'm sorry for rambling, thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest.

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you and that you did not have family support. It sounds like you did amazing and have built a life, focused on your DD. This is going to a complex situation / but focusing on here and now
You have a few hours, few days perhaps. Try not to think ahead. In the hear and now what feels right.
trust your instinct. Ask yourself when I look back on this in years to come what do I want.
take care and be kind of yourself
perhaps try to ask for some time alone with you dad - not with big expectations- but to sit in his company even for five minutes

@seasidemum83 thank you for taking the time to reply to me.
When I visited yesterday morning I had some time alone with him. I brought him a father's day card and asked if he wanted me to read it to him, he wasn't able to talk but did nod his head to respond to any questions. I didn't really know what to do and day, so I just told him about my eldests birthday party in May and how he would have loved seeing them both run around having fun. He was very out of it but would occasionally open his eyes wide and seem like he wanted to talk but just wasn't able to, I guess basically drifting in and out of consciousness. He acknowledged my dd's very well, he was so happy to see them and smiled and tried to sit up but obviously couldn't. My dd's were shocked because he looked so frail but they are only 2 and 4 so don't understand, but I'm glad he got to see them again.
I was called this morning and told my Dad died around 9:30 last night so I've been really sad today, lots of tears and guilt. I've never lost anyone this close to me before, I didn't know what to expect really but I've never felt this sad about someone dying before. I feel guilty for feeling so upset and crying a lot, like I shouldn't be like this? I don't know if that makes sense or not, I'm just so sad that he's gone. I'm so sad that he won't get to watch my dd's grow up and that he won't get to meet my brothers baby (his wife is due in December but Dad knew she was pregnant as soon as they found out). It just feels so cruel that he had to suffer. I know he isn't in pain now and people have said that me to comfort me, but it just doesn't help. I know we knew he was dying as well but that didn't really hit home until yesterday and then finding out he died this morning was horrible.
I'm just so incredibly sad, I wish this would stop.

im so sorry for your loss.

it was good you got to say goodbye and that he saw you and you read the card out and he understood what you were saying.

we all grieve in different ways. whatever you feel is ok. youre allowed to feel whatever you want. i went between sadness, regret and guilt on a repeat cycle for a long time but gradually i accepted it and became more stable.

you could try counselling in due course if you want to work through things, perhaps after the summer. or not. it’s entirely up to you and you can change your mind about anything youre thinking today as often as you need to.

i wasn’t my best at the funeral because of family shite. it wasn’t my finest moment. i regret that now. i should hane done him proud but i didnt.

so my advice would be to hold your head up, keep away from those you dont want to see at the funeral and hang around with the ones who love you. it’s just a couple of hours and then it’s over and you dont have to see anyone you dislike again.

You have nothing at all to feel guilty about but guilt is a natural stage of the grieving process. Do what you need to do to get through this time and then if you feel you can, see about some counselling to deal with your feelings about your childhood.

Bless you op it’s horrible to lose your dad. You’ll cycle through so many different emotions, guilt is one of them it’s common but you’ve nothing to feel guilty about
It’s a rough road, but in time you’ll be so glad you went to see your dad and spent some time with him.
Be kind to yourself ❤️