ExH on end of life pathway.

[HagCymraeg]

My exH is on end of life. He is at end stage liver failure due to alcoholism. A friend of his let me know.
We have no contact, there is an injunction preventing him contacting me or DD23 due to DV (he was convicted and spent some time in prison)
DD32 and DD28 have no contact with him (their choice)
I need to tell them this evening - they all live away from home by a good distance (4 hours +) so it will be a video call.
Is so hard to know what to say, he was not a nice man and hes not been in our lives at all for 4 years and he was abusive to us for many years before that.
But I can't forget that they are losing a parent far too young (hes 56) and he is dying alone with no family
Not sure how I feel really. I was married to him for 30 years

When are you next going to see them in person? If they have chosen to go NC it may be kinder to tell them face to face u less you think they may want to see him before he dies? Or have the choice to… sadly alcoholism took him from them long before now. So sad.

Do they know how Ill he is, or will this come as a shock?

Can the person who told you be relied on to be telling you the truth?

Im sorry op. Just tell them the facts and take it from there. Do you know where he is?, your children may want to see him or they may not. Do you want to see him?

I won't see them for a while. I know which hospital he is in, very close to me. All three are a good 4 hour drive away (in different locations)
I do trust his friend to tell me the truth.
They do know he is unwell so won't be a complete shock. I dont think they will want to see him but I want to give them the chance.
I dont want to see him

I think you’re handling it right, you have to tell them. You’re doing it as ‘face to face’ as is possible given the distance. Maybe individual calls may be better as they may react differently or want to react differently if they weren’t being observed by siblings. But maybe not, they might appreciate being able to discuss together.

I would say mixed or no emotions is an entirely normal way to feel.

Ah that’s so difficult.

Do they all have support where they are? Partners, Friends etc?

Sorry you’re having to go through this op, addiction is a bastard.

Oh OP that's a difficult thing to do. Have a handhold

Do you have details about how long he is expected to live?

Just tell them what you have told us at the start of your post. They can decide what to do with the information as they're all adults and deserve to know.

I'm so sorry this is happening, despite what happened previously it must be bringing up so many different emotions for you. 🫂

Handhold because that's bloody hard. I think just be really factual, like you have in your post

"My exH (Your Dad) is on end of life. He is at end stage liver failure due to alcoholism. A friend (X friend) of his let me know. I wanted you to be aware that this is happening, and decide whether you want to make contact with him before he dies."

I am not sure that I would tell them. What benefit would it be to them, really.

It’s difficult.
I would first verify that this is 100% not some manipulative strategy for him to make contact & guilt them into some conversation with him or reconciliation. Once an abuser always an abuser. I’m not sure they need the guilt attached to seeing him before he (allegedly) dies. What’s the point, he was in prison for what he did to his family there should be no inadvertent or manipulated onus on them to reach out. I think I’d pretend I hadn’t heard anything and wait till he’s dead.

The op has made the decesion to tell them.

I am not sure that I would tell them. What benefit would it be to them, really..... I think I’d pretend I hadn’t heard anything and wait till he’s dead.

It's not for op to decide what her adult children should or shouldn't know and when they should know it.

OP, I would just give the facts, as you did at the start of your post, and possibly say 'if you want to know any more, you can contact his friend Joe on this number' and leave it at that. Then each of them can have privacy to process it.

The op still needs to tell her kids and support them as a mother.

I would phone - not video call, because they might not want you to see their immediate reaction. They might burst into tears, or they might laugh that is not being rude, sometimes people do laugh at something shocking, as an involuntary response. I would do it tonight so they can think about what they want to do before it's too late. I am in this position, one DC wanted to see him, the other didn't. I hope it goes as well as it can.

Thanks everyone. It is really hard. Friend said doctor is saying 24-48 hours.
I mourned the man i married many years ago.
We did speak last night, on WhatsApp chat like we do regularly. They all live with partners who were around which im grateful for. No one felt the need to jump in the car and drive up here. Ill check in with them again today.

Such a horrible situation but it sounds like you’ve handled it well. When he does die, you might want to gather together - not as a way of memorialising him but just as a way of acknowledging this has happened.

So soon. Such a difficult situation for you all.