Sudden death of a 19 year old. How best to help?

[Muchtoomuchtodo]

I have just found out that my friend (a single mum’s) only child passed away suddenly yesterday. No more details yet. She lives about a 20 minute drive away.

I obviously want to help but don’t want her to be bombarded with flowers, meals etc. I’ve got to head her way later so think I’ll visit her and ask what she actually wants / needs and go from there.

I’m second guessing everything but does that sound reasonable?

Unless you are super close I wouldn’t drop in on her. I would leave a card with an offer of help and follow up a day or two later.

God, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

The sad truth is, there is nothing that you or anyone else can do or say in this situation to make anything better for this poor woman. All you can do is be there and show her that you care.

I agree with putting a card through the door with an offer of help - only drop in at this stage if you're a very close friend. Then text her every couple of days to let her know that you're thinking of her while making it really clear that you're not expecting any response, you just want her to know that you're there if she needs you.

We experienced the sudden death of our child.

I didn’t want to speak to anyone for a few days nor engage at all as I was in shock.

Send a card with your number in and let her know she can contact you anytime. She may or may not take you up on this, it’s no reflection on you.

I'm so sorry @VivaciousCurrentBun.

Keep the lines of communication open. She will likely be swamped with offers right now, but next week, next month her life will still be unimaginable, and most people will have "forgotten".
Don't ask "what can I do" she likely has no idea. Don't do something that requires action - the third plates of salad that turns up needs a decision making as what to do with it.

If you say you will do something, bloody well do it. I can still remember - in response to "what can I do?" asking someone to make sure their housemate knew before I had to face a group meeting with them. They didn't, and I had to respond to "and how is X doing?" With "I was at their funeral last month". Apparently the topic didn't come up.

When a close friend of mine’s father died- pre mobiles I sent a letter and said any time she wanted to chat just give me a bell. She did within a couple of days and remarked on how draining all the visitors and phone calls were so I think a letter/ card is the way forward.

Thanks all for your support.

@VivaciousCurrentBun I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing what helped you.

i’ve just heard from a friend who spent the night there that she does want to see people so I will call by I think. I can take it from there - do some shopping, put the bins out or just give her a hug and leave. I will certainly keep lines of communication open and be there going forwards, not just in the short term.

As you are planning on visiting maybe do a bit of shopping before you go. If your friend is having visitors she might appreciate things like teabags, coffee, sugar, biscuits etc (it’s traditional in my culture to take items like this to the home of the bereaved)

Don’t ask what she needs as she is unlikely to be in a state to articulate that. I would not drop in.

A card saying she is in your thoughts would be nice.

Then, do/give something off your own behalf as a gesture when some time has passed. Drop a bag of groceries at her door, cut the grass, something practical. keep doing whatever seems useful and appreciated. Offers of help will drop off after the first flurry.

Maybe take things like chocolate and snacks so she has something easy to eat.
I’m so sorry she’s going through this. And sorry for your loss too @VivaciousCurrentBun