My son, his partner, their miscarriage, my mum, my aunt and me. Grief upon grief this week. (Long)

[Mxflamingnoravera]

I’ve been dealing with my mum’s dementia decline (with LPA) since 2019 and she is in a care home, I also have LPA for her sister who has anxiety disorder but no dementia (both in their late 80s). I’m an only child and my aunt has no children so I am the only source of 21st c living for both my mum and my aunt.

My son is 31 and he and his partner told close family four weeks ago that his partner was pregnant. I was so happy- they were so happy, they have been together for four years and want a family. Yesterday I heard the devastating news at 16 weeks that there had been a miscarriage. They are heartbroken and so am I.

This week my mum had a TIA or a seizure of some kind, I also went through the awful process of trying to secure CHC funding for her (she has a bleeding stage 3 pelvic prolapse, COPD and dementia) and has been self funding for 7 years already in care. The CHC assessor assessed her skin and continence needs as C.

So Monday was the CHC assessment where mum’s needs were downplayed. Wednesday she had a seizure or TIA and is now on aspirin so will bleed more. And Yesterday (Friday) my son told me that the pregnancy he and his partner were so happy about had ended through miscarriage.

I am struggling so much with all the grief and responsibility and being alone with it all. My nearest relative is my cousin who has just had a diagnosis of ovarian cancer at age 66.

How does anyone find a way through all this? I cannot afford private therapy, I’m dealing with my own ptsd from a car incident where I was hit and am getting specific EMDR on the nhs for this but only this.

i just keep bursting into tears of pure hoplessness and despair. I have no siblings and few friends who can cope with any more trauma dumping. How do I navigate and support my son and his partner and also stay strong enough to deal with the 7 years of grief watching my mum go from a strong capable woman to an infant calling to me because she doesn’t know where she is or who she is?

I am at the limits of my ability to cope with managing my life, my mum and aunt’s lives and now my beloved son and his partner have lost their so much wanted and planned child.

The grief of all this is too much. I cannot eat unless it’s done for me (eg in a restaurant) I cannot sleep or I sleep too much because it’s unbearable.

i have a diagnosis of PTSD and depression from a clinical psychologist following the car incident, but I cannot take SSRI or SNRI medications -they make me manic (am not manic generally).

I am bewildered, hopeless, grieving, lost, lonely and do not know which way is up.

I’m 64F and I live alone.

That sounds incredibly tough op and I’m really sorry you’re going through all that.

you say you can’t afford therapy for yourself. Have you looked in to the cost of this? It sounds like you might need this kind of support. Also sounds like you haven’t prioritized your own needs much (like a lot of women expect!) but you really have to as you are dealing with so much.

I have no advice at all, but it’s the middle of the night and I just wanted to give a a hug. You are dealing with so much.

This must be so awful for you. I am a retired dementia specialised Nursing Home manager and the only positive advice I can give is to argue the chc assessment. You can ask for a second assessment and present evidence. It is important that care notes are daily and thorough so this needs to be discussed with Care Home. THIS IS OFTEN WHERE CHC ASSESSMENTS FAIL.