Grieving has turned me into a psycho ex-girlfriend

[MaidenAuntsnetter]

40-year old neurodivergent non-mum who’s never really been in a proper relationship here.

Oh God, here’s the most pathetic thing about grieving my Mum: I followed someone I once fancied in my teens-20s (and they fancied me a bit, but we were too cowardly to actually act on it) on social media after quite a long time not really in contact or indeed interested in what they were doing.

Thinking they would be horrified if they fully realised who I was, I apologised for what happened in the intervening years, ended up too dumbstruck to give more than a few words answers but still ended up replying too much and too often to him and I think they muted me. Rightly so, as I am really annoying right now.

When I was too busy in the throes of looking after Mum up until her death, I had to sublimate any idea of fancying anybody. It was quite peaceful, but it made me feel permanently middle-aged.

Now I actually am middle-aged, the crushes are only reminding me of how unbearable unrequited love was when my frontal lobes hadn’t developed properly and only just after. This time, it just feels like something on top of all the sadmin: I have bills to pay; I have to look for a smaller place as I can’t live in my current now-haunted bungalow; I have a family schism that I need to navigate and it’s not getting any better; I think I might lose some maternal and paternal aunts and uncles in the next few years

There are wars and climate disasters going on, and I’m crying about wanting to love someone who won’t love me. Worst thing is, it’s entirely self-inflicted.

I'm sorry for your loss. You must feel like the rug has been pulled from under you and very lonely right now. Grieving is an awful time and leaves you feeling at sea and out of control. Take a breath and go one step at a time.
Forget your old crush and don't worry about any embarassing comments...we've all said and done embarassing things. You will unfortunately eventually lose your elderly relatives, but there's no point thinking about that now so try not to dwell on it. The practical aspects of having to move and all the rest of it are probably what you should focus on right now. Get that sorted and take some time to settle into your life. It sounds like you've been focussed on your mum for a very long time and now you have the chance to create the life you want and deserve. Of course you want someone to love and to love you, but desperately rushing into something probably won't work. And don't feel guilty about having your own needs! There have always been and will always be problems in the world, it doesn't mean we have to forget about our own personal happiness. Good luck x

Forget your old crush and don't worry about any embarassing comments...we've all said and done embarassing things.

This is another thing I’m worried about, that the embarrassing comments will stick around or even get taken out of context if someone makes threads/posts taking the title in context. Then you get all the armchair diagnoses about narcissistic abuse and stalking, and then aaaaaagh…

I am trying to be a bit more forgiving, but it feels like a moral and ethical failing on my part.

I don't know what you've done and said, but worrying about something that might never happen is only going to drive you insane! You've got a lot on and it must be a bit overwhelming. Is there something you enjoy doing to distract yourself, even if its a tv show or a book? In a few days or so hopefully things won't look so bad. And really, who cares about armchair diagnoses?! You don't know those people, you can guarantee they've messed up before in their own lives, so don't let it get you down!