My nan forgot me before passing away

[Winterrain7]

Hi all my nan passed away 2 years ago now. We were very close she was like a mum to me. My parents worked growing up so my nan looked after me until school. We were always together.
A couple of months before my nan passed she started to loose her mind a little, became quite frail and was in and out of hospital and sent home alot. I then got a phonecall saying she'd been taken in due to swelling in her foot but should be home soon.
We were in contact the whole time I phoned twice a day. Nan had a bypass years before which was a success but I received a call stating nans heart was failing and they can't operate due to them feeling she wouldn't make the operation.

I went to visit whilst nan was on meds. I was so excited to go see her but something was off when I walked in. She didn't greet me the same. Doctor needed to do mind capacity test and she was doing amazing, answered all questions until the doctor said who is this lady (me) nan replied the nurse. The room fell silent for what felt like hours but was seconds when I ran out in tears. I did compose myself after a break but this really hurt.

This is where it gets deeper...I told my sil nan forgot me and she was supportive at the time. The next day she visits nan and continued to text me to say she'd had a lovely time with nan, she's full of spirits, never forgot her name and even asked about her kids. This cut me. I said nothing but that's lovely. Similar statements were said days after. My mum also visited nan with sil and never offered me to go knowing how sick she was. Mum got the dreaded phone call they were taking off meds and letting her go and I raced up there.

I was with nan the whole time but knowing she forgot me, never had a chance to speak to me because she became so sick hurts. The only comfort I have is she opened her eye just before she died and looked at me with a single tear and passed but I can't get the fact she forgot me and how unsympathetic my sil became towards the end knowing she couldn't speak to me again. I didn't actually grieve I pushed it away but recently thinking about it. I don't have anyone talking to either.

OP, it’s very sad for you, but memory is a very strange thing, especially when people are losing it. When my sister’s MIL was suffering from dementia, she could remember who my sister was, but not her own son. Sometimes she would recognise her DGC; sometimes she wouldn’t. Perhaps your SIL was a bit jealous of the relationship you had with your Nan? Your Nan loved you, and you know that and no-one can ever take that away from you, Remember your Nan as she was in life - not when she was dying. And be sure that she loved you to the end, even if she couldn’t in the moment remember your name - it’s what she was to you all your life, not just before she died, that’s important.

People with dementia slip in an out of it.
My grandmother would think she was married to my brother (same name as her husband and looked like long deceased grandad)

She didn’t forget you. She loved you and you always wanted the best for you.
A lifetime of love isn’t lost because of a horrible illness at the end.

Honestly, don’t let this ruin your memories of her, and don’t hurt yourself by focusing on this.

Thankyou for your sweet replies. My nan passed away of heart failure in the end it was all so unexpected but was never diagnosed with dementia. She lives with my grandad but a few days before she was taken in hospital I noticed a few things like falling asleep all the time, asking where my grandad was over again if he nipped out and as soon as she went in hospital it became worse. The nurses did the capacity test to see whether she could go back to the bungalow or needed a care home but never had chance for any sort of diagnosis as she passed 2 weeks later and I think that's what hurts the most as there was no diagnosis of dementia just becoming forgetful of that makes sense. It hink if she was diagnosed with dementia I could understand more as my DP nan had dementia so I saw how she got worse over the years.

You speak about your nan with such love and I hope that the good memories take over again soon.

Your nan was very ill and frail at the end. That day, she was near to death and under pressure being questioned- however the health professionals did it, she was bound to find the process stressful. She probably did have a few times when she was disorientated and unsure where she was or who was around her. And then the day after perhaps she was on a better dose of a medication or got some sleep, and was more with it. But that doesn’t mean she ‘forgot you’ or preferred other people. It means she was very ill, and fluctuating.

Please do try not to dwell on one conversation or even a few days out of a whole lifetime of love together. You saw her at her most frail and although it’s horrible, only the closest people see us at our worst. 💐 and I hope the pain eases with time.

sounds like cognitive decline - my MIL recognised me but not her husband who she’s been married to most of her life. He was so hurt and sad. She didn’t recognise people in photos including her own daughter. It’s a cruel disease.

(((hugs)))

Something similiar happened with my nan when grandad was taken ill.

He didn’t know who she was at one of those assessments shortly before he passed. Despite being married 60+ years he was quite insistent that he didn’t know the old lady sat by his bedside, insisting he was married to a beautiful young woman. He would talk very lovingly about how wonderful his wife is and that he loved her very much. Yet in that moment he didn’t recognise her at all. He was clearly besotted, but in that moment part of his brain has rewound a few decades.

It might have been the same for your grandmother, that part of her brain might have rewound a bit and would have been expecting to see her grandchild to be someone much younger in that moment.

So sorry for your loss, the last of my grandparents died over a decade ago and I still miss them all so dearly

My Dad is in the process of being diagnosed with dementia. It's a really long process (6 months so far) involving multiple tests and brain scans and appointments. So your Nan may have been in the early stages of dementia even if it wasn't properly diagnosed as there would not have been time.

Also, medication and stress can cause confusion in older people - I saw this regularly with my Gran and Great Aunt before they died.

Please don't take what happened personally. It's likely that in the stress of hospital and a capacity test, your Nan just couldn't access your name from her memory store. She didn't forget you, she just couldn't verbalise it in that moment. Your SIL probably visited during a less stressful time and may have just wanted to reassure you that your Nan was ok.

Grieving is horrible. Give yourself time and remind yourself how much your Nan loved you, all the way to the end.

My grandad didn't remember me when I went to see him before he died. It was sad, but he was very ill. You don't even know if your sol was telling the truth, but you do know thst your nan loved and took care of you. Even if it wasn't dementia, things like urine infections can cause confusion and would clear up if they were giving her antibiotics. Please hold on to the good memories.

OP your nan loved you all your life and right at the end of her life her brain had a wobble while you happened to be in the room. Nothing bad has happened except that you have lost her, which is desperately sad for you. And you have a tactless SIL, but perhaps she wanted to reassure you that nan was back to herself after that wobble.

That was a short moment in time, she was under pressure, on meds, might have had a UTI none of that reflects on the relationship you had it reflects on just that moment. Don’t let that take over your lovely relationship. X

This.

My dad had several episodes of delirium, which presents like dementia but may be brought on by an event like an infection, and, in his case, improved with antibiotics.

There were times when he didn’t know me, or my dc. But then a day later, would know me again, and I’m wondering if something like this might have happened with your nan?

Your sil’s intentions might have been to reassure you that your nan’s cognitive capacity was improving, not to rub salt in your wounds. Our family would have had similar conversations, depending on who was available to get to the hospital each day.

With my gm, she went through a steadier cognitive decline and even lost her ability to speak English, reverting to her native language. A couple of days before her death she became completely lucid, knew everyone, was sharp, articulate and entirely herself. I’m told that is also common.

You may have been unlucky in your timing op. Try not to focus too much on it, and try not to take it personally. You know your nan loved you. Nothing can diminish a lifetime of love.

Oh, love. Had you visited at a different time, she may well have recognised you again. My Nan once thought I was the cleaner at one visit (!) - at the next she remembered me again. She didn’t have dementia per se but heart failure can do funny things with the supply of oxygen to the brain.

It’s very possible that when your SIL visited, the stress of the kids being there boosted her heart rate and so she was firing on all cylinders cognitively.

Your nan loved you. You know this. Her brain may have been misfiring during one of your visits - but think about it as her being cognitively asleep during that period. It doesn’t mean that you meant less to her. It was physiological.

Sending lots of love.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely nan. It does sound likely she had dementia even if she wasn't diagnosed yet...it's a long process to get a diagnosis. I think that was quite mean of your SiL to say what she said, knowing how you felt, and I'd question her reasons.

The main thing is that, at the very end, she had the person most dear to her (you) close by, and she was obviously aware of it. It probably gave her great comfort.

Try and remember the good times, they will always be in your heart xx

A couple of months before my nan passed she started to loose her mind a little, became quite frail and was in and out of hospital and sent home alot.

Hospital does funny things to many old people. I’ve seen it with my grandparents and now my mother - they can get very disorientated and confused. My mother now has dementia and, as a pp has said, she can slip in and out of it. As a pp rightly said, please don’t let a moment of confusion blight your memories of a lifetime of love and happy memories.

I'm so sorry that it happened this way and that it's so painful for you.

I can only echo what others have said. She obviously loved you very much and knew that you loved her.

My Grandma didn't know who I was at the end. I came straight from work in a smart dress and she obviously thought I was someone important and sat up a bit in bed and said, "You seem like a nice lady." She didn't have a dementia diagnosis either, but her memory was flickering in and out.

As it happens, my Dad was in hospital last month and a couple of times didn't recognize my mum when she visited. Similarly to your nan, he was able to answer nearly all the cognitive questions but drew a blank on who my mum was. He's now back at home and knows exactly who she is.

Your nan not recognizing you doesn't mean anything other than that she was very unwell and the brain is a delicate thing and doesn't always make sense.

I hope you can remember and focus on all the love and care you shared with her.

My late mum forgot who I and my brothers were before she died. Yet the day before her sister was visiting the home and there is a video of mum saying her sisters name.
Dementia does funny things to the mind. It upset me at the time.

Thankyou all so much for the sweet messages it's really helped. My sil can be quite nasty when she wants to be and did tell me the day before she died she visited her alone and nan was saying she loved her but that day nan never spoke she just opened her eyes now and then as I was with her all day. Even after nan passed and I told family how hurt I was that she never said my name again my sil still kept saying she never forgot me we had some good laughs when we visited. Maybe she didn't mean it in a horrible way and in that time it may have hurt me more due to her forgetting me. She was awake 2 days after forgetting me but never said my name or acted like she new who I was. She's normally full of smiles when I walk in the room to her but I never showed it hurt me because I knew she wasn't coming out of hospital and didn't want her last days seeing me hurt.

I carry all memories with me now and I struggled to grieve for a while. I did have days of crying but not exactly grief until now it's all sorted of come back and I replay it at times.