What should I say to a friend in his final days?

[LiuBei]

I have a friend who is in his final days. He can't talk, but maybe he does hear what people say. The thing is, I just don't know what to say. It feels so mad to give a regular update on how life is going, at such a serious moment. But also, the big important stuff, about how much he means to me - I've already said it!

Oh I'm sorry it's so hard 😞 on my final visit to my cousin I said how much I loved her and appreciated everything she had for me then talked about some fun and happy memories while holding her hand.

I was told when my dad was in a coma to just chat normally about my day. I found it very hard. My aunt, who I didnt know very well, and my dad's sister-in -law, was just lovely with him, held his hand, and well just chatted. She had the warmth to be able to just do that. My mum was all arrangements and actions. Both types needed. But hugs to you for caring about your friend in their final few days, weeks.

Oh I’m sorry. In a similar situation I’ve told them how loved they are, then read a favourite book to them.

Sending you many sympathies. Does he like poetry, or is there a gentle book you could read to him? It can be hard to know what to say at these times, but perhaps just the words and their rhythm will bring him comfort?

Can you share some of your favourite tunes together? When my best mate's dm didn't have long left I was scouring charity shops for her favorites...

Tell them how loved they are, play some favourite music, read some gentle poetry and play some birdsong.

When my friend was near the end I just sat there and rambled on about anything, my daughter was at pre school with her son so I spoke about both of them and the things they had been up to, I told her gossip I had heard about various people because I knew she’d love that! I told her what I’d been doing and then I took some celeb gossip magazines and read them to her. Lots of love to you x

When it was DH I just chatted every day rubbish to him, told him how special he was to me, how much he meant and how much he was loved by everyone who knew him. I told him he would be missed every day and I knew that he loved me too. I don't think there's a right, or a wrong, thing to say at times like this and I don't think it hurts to say it on repeat.

With my dad I just sat with him and read to him from the book he'd been reading.

I am sorry you, and he, are going through this.

It is quite difficult to know what to say, I agree! I just used to say I hope you don't mind me chatting, but what could they do if they can't speak anyway. Sitting there, holding a hand or you reading is also fine. I think you can't keep saying how much they mean to you- I mean once or twice is fine, but by the end I felt I was repeating myself. I'm glad it's not just me who struggles. I think companionable presence is just fine.

Your presence is enough, I had a friend and she loved us just talking. I think feeling normal, feeling life, really put a smile on her face. She hated the hospital and that all anyone spoke about was the medication, next steps all clinical or the depressing I love you good byes.

i think a bit of normality really helped her and she didn’t want us to leave.

Thank you everyone who has replied

Birdsong is a wonderful idea

My close friend died last year. She was diagnosed with cancer than had spread to her brain, and so by time we knew, some brain damage had set in. In some ways it made it easier, but in others she was more open about her death than she may be normally and they were such tough conversation. At the end she wasn’t really conscious for the last 2wks, but I sat with her every night and took her dog with me. He lay on the bed with her. I chatted about my day, and also talked about the holidays we had etc. Sometimes people just want to chat mundane stuff. It’s so hard to lose a friend.

When mum was going, she was a little distressed. Grandkids all came to see her, didnt know what to say. But ds2 and I sat having a normal conversation, weather, work and a few memories from.when he was little. She calmed right down and although she was semi conscious, seemed to listen. So maybe recall happy times, a few "remember whens". I hope his time is peaceful.

Does he enjoy reading? Could you read from a favourite book? Or magazine/paper?

I’d say talk about whatever you think helps him feel at peace and able to accept what is happening to him. If he has faith, encourage him to rely on whatever he believes in. Calmly chatting about this or that and making sure to be as relaxed as you’re able to yourself. Sorry for you, it’s a sad time. You’re a good friend.

Having just watched an episode of The Pitt that covered this:
i love you
thank you
please forgive me for…
i forgive you for….

sorry you and your friend are going through this. Sending virtual strength.

If a person can't do the whole 'I love you thing' they could do what I did, when I was leaving I told Mum, in an airy, light sort of way, 'It's always enjoyable visiting you...' and she sort of went 'Ah!' She wasn't conversational for the last few years but generally present.

It was sort of borrowed from former Sex Pistol Johnny Lydon, when asked to comment on the passing of manager Malcolm McClaren, with whom he'd had a bad relationship to put it mildly: he said 'I always found Malcolm entertaining...' and he wasn't being bitchy or anything. Now, I'm not saying I didn't love Mum but we didn't communicate in that sort of way, I think she found it awkward, so you had to find another way of conveying it.

By chance - or not, depending on your take - I said it again when leaving one night, and I felt her reacting the same way, and it was the last thing I said to her, we got the call she died the following morning.

You can also say stuff the morning of their death if you visit them; there is a thinking that the spirit stays in the room for a certain time. I did feel hypersensitive to everything at the time, it was odd.