This was me 30 years ago. I’m still here, have a DS21, have experienced many more losses and bereavements and with each one I realise how strong that first one made me.
There is no right way to navigate loss. The main thing is to give yourself space and time. I had to return to work quickly, I was self employed. But it actually became my safe space where I could block out what was going on and feel normal.
There is a particular spot on my drive home where even now it triggers tears. Being able to compartmentalise the grief meant that a some point you unbox it. Mine was as I turned into the lane that leads to our house. It would be daily to start with but then it was just Fridays when I knew I had two days to fill and knew that I would have to spend time processing the loss.
Losing my DF was different. My DS was 3 months old and needed a fully functioning mother, but I did end up with pnd at 9 months partly due to bereavement but also the result of a difficult pregnancy and its effect on work.
By the time we lost my younger DSis I knew exactly how to process it. Basically by being kind to myself. Avoiding social situations that would trigger certain emotions and taking time out. I retired a year before DSis died so was able to spend time with her, it was horrendous but a real privilege to be with her when she needed us. With my DM and DF this wasn’t possible and left me with a huge amount of guilt. In some respects looking after DSis was like paying an emotional debt that I had carried for a while.
Mostly be kind to yourself. Learn to say no if you really don’t feel like attending stuff. Prioritise what is necessary and ditch the optional. If you fancy a duvet day go for it.
Time doesn’t heal but it does put space between you and the loss. It’s ok to remember, to celebrate and to develop ritual like behaviours. Mostly you do them in private. I still have all the positive pregnancy tests from my miscarriages. I occasionally come across them and wonder what those children would be now but I reconcile it with the knowledge that without their loss my DS would never have existed, and a life without him would be unthinkable.
For many years I would celebrate Mother’s Day with buying a plant for my garden so it is a constant memorial but a private one. I still have the conifers she bought me for my front garden on our last garden centre visit together. I have jewellery that I wear all the time that was my DMs and my Dsis’s. Again only my surviving Dsis knows their significance.
I hope that you are able to work your way through it. Life may not seem good at the moment but it will get better and you will make plenty of new happy memories. Hold onto the happy ones you have though because they will get you through the difficult times.