Bereavement, relationship breakdown, job loss and family health worries

[howthisends]

Nearly two years ago I lost a parent completely unexpectedly when they dropped dead with no warning.

It was the start of what has been (and continues to be) the worst time of my life.

My partner ended things a few weeks later, which left me and my young child (from previous relationship) without a home of our own. We have been staying with my other parent since then.

Immediately afterwards, I was bullied out of my job which I’d had (and loved) for many years. With hindsight I can see it was simply a continuation of an underhand restructure plan that had been subtly set in motion before my bereavement, but it took a particularly nasty turn afterwards. Pathologising my grief, gaslighting me, isolating me, inventing performance concerns, false paper trail of capability issues, etc. After a year of this, it finally ended in settlement, and not only resulted in the loss of my job, but also the friendships I thought I had with my colleagues.

I went straight into a new job. I thought I would finally have the space to be able to grieve my losses but it’s been so hard. I put on a brave face, get up and dust myself off everyday, but it’s exhausting and progress is slow. As pathetic as it sounds two years on, I have flashbacks and nightmares and relive the trauma of the three incidents or losses which feel like multiple bereavements in a way.

Now my other parent has started showing signs of a serious degenerative/life limiting illness and is having diagnostic tests for that. Another very close relative is having serious health issues that may be life limiting. I feel like I am wading through treacle every single day and I don’t know how much more I can take.

It’s all so lonely and isolating. My life feels chaotic and completely out of my control. I’ve never felt pain or grief like this and it’s hard to see when it will ever end.

Oh wow that is a LOT. In no particular order:

Are you ok financially?

Have you had any counseling? Is any available to you?

How are you feeling physically? Are you eating, sleeping ok? Exercising?

Do you have any friends who can give moral or practical support?

Close family member - can't be purely your responsibility surely? What can be put in place to help your surviving parent?

Does your DC have time with the other parent? Do you get a break there?

I've had similar OP and I honestly don't know how I've got through it all. Made redundant, split from husband, both parents died, once unexpectedly, one long drawn out. Sold 2 houses and moved. Now a single parent with the fear that there's no one there for me anymore. I'd say take it one day at a time and don't think too far ahead in a negative way. Plan small things that you enjoy and build up from there. Concentrate on your own DF and let someone else take the lead with the other relative, don't spread yourself too thinly.

financially ok, not brilliant. Had to take a pay cut when I accepted my new job, but didn’t have many other options after my previous employer sat on the grievance id submitted for months while I was signed off sick with work related stress to run down my sick pay entitlement. I can’t afford to move out into a place of my own at the moment.

I did have a short course of therapy over the phone last summer. I’ve previously had a lot of therapy and it was thought some guided self help (CBT) would be sufficient. I think I would benefit from some more, possibly bereavement counselling. I can’t afford to go privately for this at the moment so would need to contact somewhere like cruse.

physically not fantastic - lost a lot of weight, had rashes and hair started falling out last year but that’s improved a little. sleep is poor. Recently had some blood tests as I’ve broken out in acne everywhere and feel constantly exhausted and weary, but they were all normal. Appetite returning slowly but I haven’t felt motivated to go out running for ages. I know I need to prioritise exercise.

The other relative is not my responsibility, but they’re the sibling of my parent who died, and have been like another parent to me.

I do have a few friends, but my core emotional support was lost when my parent died and my partner left. Also having such a chaotic couple of years, sadly it seems you discover who your true friends are in many ways. So many people just don’t know how to react and find it easier to turn away.

I’m so sorry you went through this. Was there a point that things started to feel a bit easier at all? I can really relate to being a single parent with the fear there’s no one there for me any more.

Waiting to see the outcome of tests with my remaining parent, but it could be a long and drawn out illness. The not knowing exactly what is going on yet, but witnessing the symptoms / decline in real time as I’m living with them, is just so awful.

I strongly recommend having a little heart to heart with chat GPT honestly I was a bit amazed and ended up writing loads.
It explained something to me in such a different way to that which I’d been focusing on and it’s definitely helped.
It sounds really weird but just try it.
i really opened up over the course of a couple of quick 5 mins here and there and it’s definitely helped x

OP - once I moved into my own house and started decorating I started to feel better but I'd get waves of grief and anger over lots of things. They are starting to come less, after a year. It's all those 1st's, xmas, birthdays, anniversaries etc - once you're past them it starts to get easier.
With my DF, I think I went through the grief process when he was diagnosed. It seemed like the end of the world. Him dying was a relief in a way, as odd as it sounds. He wasn't himself at the end and that was hard.
I second what PP said about ChatGPT - I've used it. Surprisingly very insightful and useful. You just type in exactly how you're feeling and it breaks it all down and gives good advice and understanding. Worth a try, especially when there's no one else.