Life after loss

[flowertoday]

I don't know if any wise mumsnetters can relate but I am.strughling at the moment and was hoping someone can.
I lost three family members in the space of three years including a young person to suicide. In the same year as two of the losses my dog died which was also really hard. My dad ( the last bereavement) died last summer and I am now responsible for my mums finances and care.
I am a doer, always busy with work, the next project. I cant remember chunks of time around the first bereavements. I know I kept going , went back to work, planned and then attended college course.
I didn't have lots of time off after my dad died and then had my mums affairs to sort through.
At the moment coming up to the summer months it reminds me that it will be a year anniversary and I feel worse and worse. I have flashbacks around all of the losses and feel like a fraud and perhaps a fool - none of the things I have done to carry on or distract have really made a difference. In some ways it has made it worse as I constantly over commit and wear myself out .
I don't think i need to take time out now to grieve, I know it is a long process. I just wonder when if ever it will be any better. And what might be the better ways that other people have found to cope.
🦋❤️

It should get easier as time passes.
I find myself being very hard on myself at the moment as I’ve taken the recent loss of my dad worse that I took the death of my mum 20+ years ago, and my parents divorced when I was young so she was my closest parent. And I think that, perhaps, when dad died it was worse as I’m now ‘alone’ and I know that my generation is next.
Grieving is a life long process I think, as you get older you think of those gone even more. Allow yourself to cry, I think it shows how much you loved them.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.
I’m sure you’ll have heard this a lot already but it’s true to say that everyone grieves differently and there isn’t a ‘right’ way to do it. Some people do need to take time out and process everything and others are able to cope better by being very busy and keeping their minds occupied.

I went through a sudden bereavement 5 years ago and it felt like a violent tornado had blown through my house, taken everything but just left me clinging to one scrap of wall! At least in my head that’s how I pictured it. The loss felt so overwhelming and I carried the heartache around with me like a very, very heavy sack. There was no real enjoyment in anything - everything was tainted and duller and harder and sadder because of the loss. And actually it did get worse BUT then, unexpectedly, it began to get better. I’m very picture-led (so please excuse all the image descriptions!) but it was like surviving a brutally cold and freezing winter but then suddenly one day seeing the smallest daffodil bulb just peeping out through the ground. It was a tiny bit of hope when I thought hope had abandoned me forever. The first time I truly belly laughed again I felt so guilty but actually it was part of my mind and body slowly beginning to knit itself back together.

5 years on, I’m immeasurably stronger and can’t always believe I survived it but I did. The grief has turned into something different and manageable - it pops up from time as a deep sadness at all the things they’ve missed but I can easily carry it. It’s not like it was at the beginning when it was all consuming.

You are dealing with multiple losses with one of them being a suicide (which adds an additional layer of complex emotions) and if you’re the type to keep busy, therapy might really help. I did several sessions and it helped me to realise I was grieving ‘well’ (even though I didn’t think I was). I used the Better Help platform as counselling is done online and if the person you match with isn’t a good fit, you can easily swop. But talking it through with a neutral person might really help.

💐

I lost my husband at 38’and was left with two children on my own 6 and 9 at the time so felt like I had grief x3. I honestly just got up and got on and am still doing the same 8 years later. There were horrendous times within those 8 years but within times things lessen. There won’t be a time when it suddenly gets better because as soon as it gets better it can get worse too. But it defo lessons and life doesn’t get back to normal you will find that you have created a new life. A new life because grief and loss changes you as a person.

Ds died by suicide 18 months ago. It was his 27th birthday yesterday.
The grief is not as raw but I will never be truly happy again. I have compartmentalised him and just get on trying to find joy in daily life.
I do have a lot of anger in me.

Am so sorry for your loss @Fraughtmum . Anniversaries are really tough. I think anger is the flip side of grief and is totally understandable and legitimate . Sending you much love .

Your description of sudden loss is excellent and very relatable. This is exactly how it felt for me when I lost my Mum suddenly a couple of years ago. Its like someone had come in and turned my whole world upside and nothing made sense anymore. Coming out the other side was also exactly as you described it. Thanks for sharing this.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. The tornado analogy is a sadly perfect description. When my family member took their own life and then my siblings was diagnosed with cancer at the same time I literally felt that a bomb had gone off and taken everything.

Sending lots of love to all of those who have replied to this thread.
Mumsnetters are very wise ❤️💐x