Grief over emotionally abuse dad’s death

[squirrelnutkins1]

So my dad died recently. Growing up he wasn’t a good dad to me. He wasn’t loving or kind and was emotionally abuse amongst other things. I don’t want to go into masses of detail.

Due to one thing and another I never went zero contact, low contact I’d say, for the sake of my mum who always stayed with him.

Fastforward and he got Alzheimer’s. Here’s where it gets interesting. He was actually a much nicer person with this and I grew fond of him over the Alzheimer years. He adored my kids (which I had during the Alzheimer years). So the last 6/7 years of his life were actually my best times with him.

He suddenly got worse healthwise and passed away recently. I always imagined I’d be ok with him dying as he was such a sucky dad, but my emotions are all over the place. I can’t actually believe how upset I am!

Does anyone have experience of this and or any advice on untangling these feelings please?

I have very little personal experience of this, but I have read that mourning the death of someone you didn't (always, in your case) have a good relationship with involved not only letting go of the person (which we all must do when a lived one dies) but also letting go of the idea of what might have been.

I'm so pleased that you and your children had your father's "kind" years

@user1471453601Yeah sounds about right. It feels very complicated and messy in my mind at the moment. I guess it’ll take time to untangle some of the deeper feelings.

Any other words of wisdom anyone? 🙂

When my abusive parent died I was all over the place grief wise. Sad, angry, confused you name it I felt it. I think it took a full year to process my feelings. I had to organise the estate and house sale which took a further year. Now three years on I’m in a much better place. Be kind to yourself💐

Probably not words of wisdom but I'm trying to deal with the very recent death of an abusive parent (almost no contact). So in the same ballpark at least. And it is messy and like others say it's grieving someone who's died and also the loss of something that never was at the same time. I'm so glad got you got that window where you have more positive memories to fall back on and with your kids. I'm being very careful who I talk to at the moment as I've realised I can't deal with people making presumptions about how I'm feeling either way so mainly I'm being very quiet. Whatever you're feeling you don't have to justify or explain and just take your time.

@StopGoI’m so sorry you’ve been through this too. There really are so many complicated emotions to work through. I’m still very early days. How did you feel when you were sorting the estate? When I went one day to sort through some things I was shaking with rage at how much crap there was to sort 😳 I’m glad you’re in a much better place now x

@TopsytigerI’m so sorry you’re early days with this too. I don’t want to sound a jerk speaking ill of the dead, but also realise people do not understand if they’ve not been there. I can’t even begin to describe the damage he did to me as a person, but then I also feel like at the end I was actually fond of him. Two ends of the scale. I think you’re right there, there doesn’t need to be any justification, we need to just feel how we feel in any given moment.

Thank you for replying x

My abusive parent died back in the early 90s. I only found out because I was the archivist for the NHS trust and his notes landed on my desk

I hadn't seen him in 6 years before his death

I fell apart

Took me years to get past it. But however I had such a shit childhood , I was totally buggered anyway. So there I was in my 30's , reverting back to a child, with adult responsibilities- a shitty few years

Mum, who left us with the sick fucker, died last month. Luckily I have had the past 30 years to get past my anger with her. And Im actually grieving

Grieving that my parents weren't what we deserved

I cant believe how Im feeling, I cant even explain to anyone. One minute Im grand, I bought myself up and hadn't had parents from the age of 11 so Im a grown strong woman, the next its like oh shit , my mum has died - even though we fought like cat and dog and I wished her dead on many occasion

Im just rolling with it all and being honest . I do get choked up, but not cos they are dead, but for the life I never had , the parents I never had

Thing is, no matter how shit our parents are or have been, there is still that familial love and the want for more

In some ways I resented the time and the energy the whole process took. For me there was a sense of accomplishment that I’d done it and done it well. Complete it on the property sale gave me a sense of closure.

@suki1964so sorry you’ve been through this twice. I think youve explained it really well, at the end of the day there will always be that familial love, even if we don’t want it / understand it / can’t explain it and definitely the want for more than what we got.

@StopGo yeah I can understand that, must’ve been nice to have some sort of sense of closure

All I can offer is, you have had the strength to get to where you are, and you will have the strength to get through this

Mum died 1'st March and I am taking it harder then I ever though possible

Today has been a downer of a day as I cleared a room, I can only do a little at a time. Today I found photos and letters from the man she left my dad for - so it was 40 years ago, but a punch in the guts for sure

Im mourning - again - for the parents I never had and the childhood I never had

Thought I had got by all this years ago, but no, the feelings and hurt are here

Just now Im not 11 years old, I can now deal with it with adult knowledge and strength

Not easy, its a lot easier to fall back in to those childhood memories and behaviour but I know Im not that child any more

Im just hoping that when I get through what has to be got through, I can forgive them and move on, I understand a lot more their struggles , upbringings and why they turned out how they did, but the anger I have held for so long, I want to pass

Im sad, but for so many years Ive turned sadness to anger because I knew anger, now Im sitting with sadness and trying to accept that rather then reverting to anger

@suki1964😢😢