I just needed to put this somewhere

[Topsytiger]

My mum died yesterday.

I hadn't seen her in 8 years or spoken to her in 6. I still sent birthday and Christmas messages, an unbreakable habit, proof of life if nothing else. I had already grieved the relationship we never had during the covid lockdown as the silence from her built up, the loss of hope. I also embraced the relief I felt at no longer being caught up in her abuse, destruction and revenge, I served no further purpose, it was like finally coming up for air. I was also under no illusion that her rejection and my cautious acceptance of it would be the end of the emotional line. I had therapy but knew it was just a sticking plaster.

For many years I was the only one in her corner in a high conflict disfunctional family. Parentified, co-dependent, trauma-bonded, terrified, call it what you will. She was never a mum, not in the traditional sense of the word or in her own words or actions, but she was still the only mum I knew. She never really knew me at all.

She didn't die alone, I'm clinging to that like a fucking life raft.

I am lost.

Sending you a huge hug. You are probably grieving both the mother you had and the one you should / could have had. Both can be true at once so don’t beat yourself up about it.

Try to do something nice for yourself. If you feel you want to, write her a final
letter telling her everything you could never say while she was alive and then burn it.

But above all, be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry, I can hear your pain in your message. Death can bring so many conflicting emotions to the surface. I hope you have support in your real life. Sending you hugs

The death of someone with whom one had a difficult relationship can be more emotionally demanding than the death of someone really close. Allow yourself time to get to grips with this.

I’d write a letter to her then immediately shred it afterwards. I did that re my late father in law and found it to be a cathartic exercise . Grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.