Bereaved after an estranged and abusive parent dies alone

[tierdytierd]

My Dad died, he was found on Sunday by the police in his home.
we were estranged for the most part from my 30s . He was terribly abusive through childhood, both parents were.
I made the decision to not keep a relationship with him (or her) when I had my 1st child, because I didn’t want them to see me dealing with the aftermath of me seeing him and the emotional wreck I became. I wrestled with this over the past few years,knowing that he wasn’t getting any younger. He never looked after himself. Or his home.
hed get angry when I offered help, but would take money and cigarettes, food and haircuts, complain about gifts I’d bought him.
never remembered my birthday (it was the same as his)
he made no effort to see me, I collected and dropped him home. Everytime I felt used and shitty & everytime I’d cry, I couldn’t keep doing that especially as a new mum and a solo mum, 1 income.
but I loved him, & I don’t think he knew that.
he died alone and lay there for a few days before being found
I feel hypocritical being so very sad. That door has closed permanently now, I can’t do anything about it.
im left to try and navigate the aftermath, postmortem, FD, banks, house and everything else. I’ve fortunately never had to deal with before, it’s so hard.
I feel like a fraud, completely overwhelmed and broken all at the same time.
My sibling will help, but will do that for me not for our dad.

any words of wisdom or practical help would be really welcome right now

Oh you poor love, that sounds really tough. I think maybe you could be feeling grief for the man you wish your father was. The kind of relationship you would have wanted with your father is never going to be possible now, and that can be really difficult to let go of. While they're alive, there's hope. Now - none.

There's also perhaps an element of displaced anger that you have no-where to put down. As a living, abusive father, you could be angry with him - now that anger has no-where to go, and he will never apologise or even realise and admit that he caused a great deal of distress.

I'm sure wiser Mumsnetters will be along shortly to offer better advice, but in the meantime I would say that it's OK to have these feelings. Who wouldn't? It's perfectly natural. Don't try to chase the feelings away or block them out - feel them, name them, make room for them. Work towards accepting that he will never have to answer for anything he has done to hurt you - you can't change it, he can't change it.

And don't forget to look after yourself in practical terms, too. Get rest (even if you can't sleep), eat sensibly, get plenty of fluids, that kind of thing.

Unmumsnetty hugs, OP ((()))

He was your Dad, regardless, so it is a huge loss for you.
You are now an orphan.

Take care and talk with your sibling.

Sometimes siblings can laugh and help see the lighter, ridiculous and strange factors in our parents.

This sounds so hard . Be kind to yourself .
My Mum was an alcoholic and very difficult for us growing up, now she has dementia and is in a care home . I’m constantly wracked with guilt and then anger towards her. I know when she sadly does die it’s going to be complicated for myself and my siblings . Sometimes parent relationships can be complex and it’s normal for you to feel this way. But when you’re not protected by a parent growing up, it can leave horrible scars and we spend our lives convincing people who treat us badly to be better. If he didn’t change it’s because of him and his faults . Not you.
Try to move through the practical stuff first and ask for support where you can. Then I would get some therapy.
Remember you are just a person, you can’t fix or change anything . All you can do is look after yourself and your children. Sending love x

I had abusive parents and I found it very bizarre how upset when my mother died.

i had an amazing therapist at the time who was helping sort all the childhood abuse in my mind and she pointed out that I was grieving for multiple people.

i was grieving the person she was - the good bits (albeit very few of them) and the fact she was my mum.
I was grieving the mother I wished I’d had and I was grieving the mother she could have been had she willing to make the effort.

There was never going to be an apology from her. There was never going to be any good memories, and that was sad.

I guess this is a final sadness for all those many years of sadness he put you through. A sadness that you didn't have the loving Father you deserved but kept up some vague hope he might miraculously change.

To me, it sounds like he chose to lie there alone - it sounds like you offered many olive branches which were rebuffed. And how could he have not known that you loved him, given that whatever shit he gave you, you still came back for so many years.

I hope you are in a place now where you have enough love for yourself. You sound resilient and you just need to ride out the storm. Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. I always found a long walk in the woods was a great help.

I am going through this with the estranged part. My dad was not abusive though. Some wise words on my thread from people about grieving the dad of my childhood plus the relationship we couldn’t have as adults. The what ifs and might have beens. I have been shocked at my reaction, I am so upset sad and deeply affected by his passing. Complicated grief I am told is the term for this. Xx