Estranged from dad who has just died

[furusato]

I have just found out my dad has died. We had a very difficult relationship during my adulthood, although he was a good and loving dad all through my childhood until my 20s. I have only seen him once in the past 10 years and that was quite recently, for which I am very grateful.

I am so all over the place. It was a sudden and unexpected death. One minute I’m in tears the next II don’t think I ‘should’ feel like this or I don’t have the right to as we were not close the past 10 years.

I don’t really know what I want from this post but I don’t know how to feel about it at all.

That's a hard one. My mother went through similar and I had always said when he passed I wouldn't go to his funeral as he was no grandfather to me.

My mum decided to go and asked us to support her so I forewent my feelings and went for her. It was an odd day.

Our family were left nothing in his will but mothers sister gave us a token gesture.

It's taken my mother many years to come to terms with it all and I'm not sure she has fully even now.

I truly hope this isn't as tumultuous for you as it is a big mixing pot pit of emotions for sure. Take your time and try not to do anything you may regret.

Big supportive hug x

Your dads your your dad what you have to get your head round is you can love someone without liking or having a close relationship them that was liberating for me
I grew up in a house reined by fear and aggression made peace with that over the years never ever been close to my dad even as a child

Friends and relationships come and go but siblings and parents are a constant
presence

there certainly wasn’t any feelings of needing and missing out on a reconciliation
I can’t put into words what I’m trying to say other than something that’s always been there is gone it’s the strangest feeling that it’s no more

I wish I could express it better as I know exactly how you feel he’s been dead a few years hardly think about him yet I’m sat here crying typing this

You’ve lost your childhood Dad plus the opportunity for your adulthood relationship to be the one you needed. It’s a big loss 💐

You are mourning the Dad you had as a child, not the Dad he became in your adulthood. Relationships are complex and all feelings are normal. Give yourself time to come to terms with his loss. You might feel better if you wrote all your feelings about your Dad down in a long letter to him, then burn the letter and you'd be surprised how liberating this is.

Thank you for replying everyone. That point about mourning my childhood dad and losing any chance of the adult relationship really resonates. He was a great dad, then he left my mum and cut contact with us kids too for a long time. I don’t know why he did that and now I will never know.

Yes it’s called “complicated grief” - you have the task of not just mourning the dad he was but also the dad you didn’t have and the dad you hoped for, so don’t be too hard on yourself but gentle - I’m doing that work too - its a lot and it’s heart breaking 💔

@Agripinanowweseeheri didn’t know it had a name. I feel tortured by not having said I love you for so long and not knowing if he knew I loved him. We think he died by suicide but the autopsy is pending and I keep going over if I’d be a more available child or got in touch or something things might have been different.

But never forget communication is a two way street. Don't let yourself feel blame for that ❤️

Oh darling that’s really common in these situations - I’ve just gone through same thing - looking for something I could have done - but the truth is there isn’t - that’s the child part of us not accepting it as it was and not wanting to let go. When your a child you think if you can find a way or a reason you can solve it. But that’s actually rarely possible because the adults are the ones with the power.

It’s not on you, you say your dad cut contact, that is not on you, it’s on him. Oh my gosh it’s heartbreaking for you to say “more available child” - that’s wasn’t your job my love to be available to him as a child, it’s the other way round.

all easy to say I know but I literally cried for weeks non stop before I could accept as a child it wasn’t for me to make it ok and that it wasn’t possible

I think there is a charity “sobs” that helps people who are bereaved of suicide

all of this reasoning is so easy for me to see from what you say but I equally struggle and rack my brains..it’s part of the bargaining we do when first bereaved

And yes it’s called complicated grief - Google “complicated grief of a parent”