Eight years since I lost my triplet sons TW stillbirth

[SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack]

8 years ago in 5 days I lost my identical triplet sons Charlie, Henry & George very dramatically to stillborn birth.
They had twin to twin transfusion syndrome, I went to London for an operation to try & basiy unfuse their blood vessel connections to try and save their lifes and picked up an infection that was killing them & myself.
3 days later I was rushed into hospital where my waters broke on the motorway there, they were born too early at 21 weeks.
It sent me into an massive depression where I was nearly sectioned as I tried to take my own life.

You would think after eight years I would be better but every year this week comes around I am plagued with insomina and nightmares of the whole ordeal.
How an earth do I stop this? :( I feel like they can’t truly rest as every year it feels like I am living the same events.
It doesn’t help that 5 years this month after loosing them I nearly lost another one of my sons who was diagnosed wrongly & sent home and nearly died from a misdiagnosis that he still lives with today.
It feels like a month just full of death.

I don't have much wisdom to share here, but I don't want to read and run.
You have been through an awful thing and I really feel for you. Try to get rest where you can and be gentle with yourself.
You will get through this phase again and the fog will lift.x

Hey couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry for your loss. OP what an unfathomable trauma you must've gone through, then presumably had to go straight back into mum mode to be there for your other children. I hope you're getting the support you need. Sending love and un-Mumsnetty hugs xx

I'm so, so sorry for the heartbreak of losing your precious babies

No words of wisdom, but sending you love & prayerful thoughts 💐

Thank you all for your very kind words, it means a lot, Feeling a little better after i managed to get some sleep sometimes it just helps to get it words out on a page. Xx

Oh love.
I have no words, there are no words.
I'm sorry.

What an awful thing to happen OP - I'm so sorry 😥

Did you ever receive grief counselling? It sounds like you may have PTSD too from the misdiagnosis of your other DC. Have you had any help or support with that? If not, now is maybe the time to seek it out. There are quite a few charitable organisations that provide counselling and support to families who have lost babies or young children. Sands and Tommy's are the two best-known, but there are others as well 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how awful it is for you. have you had any kind of bereavement counselling or anything since ?

You can’t stop it completely, the loss is always there, but a specialist counsellor can help you with coping techniques and allow you to be more at peace. I have worked with women who have been through similar to what you have and over time they are in a better place, I want to give you that hope. Do ensure any grief counsellor has had specific training in late baby loss and complicated grief, anyone can call themselves a counsellor.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious boys. I will keep you all in my prayers 🙏🙏🙏
I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I’m glad that you managed to at least get some sleep. Sending love and hugs. Please know how much you are loved xx

I am in a much better place most of the year, it doesn’t really enter my mind as I’ve learnt to block it out it’s just March and a few days of April I get wobbly.
I tried councelising but I gave up after a few sessions as I was getting into a state and even the therapist said it wasn’t a good idea at the time as it was still very raw.
The misdiagnosis I am okay with I heavily backed a campaign that went to goverment which is now putting a stop to it happening to other children/adults but add both together I probably do have PSTD. I will go back to my GP and ask for counselling again or at least see if they can give me some sleeping tablets. Thank you everyone, your kind words mean a awful lot to me x

I am so sorry to hear that. It sounds completely normal that you would still experience profound grief around their birthday.

you can buy nytol in a blue packet over the counter and it makes you drowsy if you need some help sleeping in the short term.

I wonder if EMDR therapy might help you - it’s for PTSD and does seem to be effective. I have a friend who accessed it through her work health insurance.