Is it a given that you will have some form of mental health issue following the death of a parent?

[njg575]

Hi all,
I’m just looking for a bit of reassurance or to hear other people’s experiences.

I lost my mum suddenly last year and, if I’m honest, it completely knocked the wind out of me. I thought I was coping at first, but over time it feels like the grief has crept into every part of my life. Some days are manageable, but other days I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom emotionally. It’s been really hard to carry on as “normal” when everything feels so different now.

Is it a given that people have some form of mental health struggle after something like this? I’m trying to be kind to myself, but I keep wondering if what I’m feeling is expected, or if I should be doing more to get back on my feet, or should I be asking for mental health support?

If anyone has been through something similar—how long did it take before things felt a bit more stable again? And is it normal for the waves of grief to still feel this strong months later?

Thank you to anyone who reads or replies. It just helps to know I’m not alone. ❤️

Im so sorry for your loss. Its so hard. I feel like its just grief and I also think its perfectly normal. The only thing that helped me when my dad died unexpectedly was time and it did take me a long time, but maybe your gp or some counseling would help you. Wishing you all the best.

Grieving takes time and most people, like you, will find it hard to carry on. It should get easier as the months go by. The first year is particularly hard.

Grief isn’t a mental health problem, but it can become one if you struggle more than you think you can cope with and don’t ask for help.

Can you ask your GP about bereavement counselling?

I’m sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, so much so that i wouldn’t class it as a ‘mental health’ problem. It is natural grief.

It took me a couple of years to get back on an even keel, and even then I still got periodic massive waves of sadness that would hit me out of the blue (bizarrely always seemed to happen in public).

Be kind to yourself. There’s nothing ’wrong’ with you, despite how wretched it feels. Keep going. It won’t always be like this. Maybe consider some bereavement counselling. It can be very beneficial. x

Is it a given that you will have some form of mental health issue following the death of a parent?

No, it's not "a given". I was incredibly sad when my father died, but he was very old, and old people die. He died about 10 years ago, and I think about him still almost every day, but I don't have a "mental health issue", whatever that means.

It can feel like the world wants you to 'bounce back' My dad died six months ago , he was elderly, extremely unwell at the end, but I still miss him like crazy and some days the grief is just overwhelming. Mental health wise, personally I view it as seeking help before everything just feels too much. My work only accounted for me having a few days off, literally for the funeral and the day after due to 'business need' so I took the 10 days they give in their bereavement policy !

My step sons mum died 10 years ago. He's now 30 and stuck in a cycle of depression, so recognising it and seeking help early is very important as he didn't and he's now 'stuck'

All I know if that grief sideswipes you when you least expect it and that the grieving process is not linear - I am fundamentally altered by it and I’ve had to learn who I am now.
I don’t think it’s a mental health issue (although some people do become depressed etc)

I guess its hard to see where grief ends and a mental health condition arises.

I know many people who have been deeply depressed following a death and I feel that's enviable for me.

I am functioning day to day though so I find some comfort in that

Grief is natural when a loved one dies, but grief isn't a mental illness, it's part and parcel of the cycle of life.

Losing your mum, especially when you were very close, is one of the worst losses, she died suddenly so you couldn't prepare yourself, it's understandable you are reeling from her death, which was very recent.

My own mum died years ago, and I still miss her terribly, it's the price we pay for loving someone, so use that as a comfort.

Grief eases slowly, remember the good times, she would want you to feel happy when you think of her, and you will in time.

My dad died last year and the first few months were incredibly difficult. The bereavement counseling services at the hospice said that if you were struggling to cope after six months then to seek bereavement support. The death of a parent is a life changing event in so many ways and it is different for everyone depending on the circumstances of the death, your relationship with the person who died, what else is going on in your life etc. Look after yourself, don’t ask too much of yourself and try to be with people who are able to support you in your grief (if you can - there aren’t always that many of them unfortunately) Maybe speak to your GP if it’s still having a serious impact on your ability to function after several months. My sympathy to you - it’s very hard.

Also yes it is normal to feel waves of grief many months or even over a year or years later especially at events when the person would usually be there, or if you see something that reminds you of them. Or just out of the blue for no reason. It’s a bit of a cliche but I don’t think you ever get over it as such, you become accustomed to incorporating the grief into your life.

Grief is a natural process, not a metal health problem, but if you’re struggling, then you’re struggling. It is normal for the grief to feel strong years later, but you can still get support wether it’s normal or not. When I had my toughest bereavement and was against taking the antidepressants I was offered by the GP, I was told that sometimes, external events can alter things in the brain that can be helped with medication. I still felt like medication wasn’t for me, but I wouldn’t have felt bad about taking it and I know it has helped others deal with grief.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Grieving is a perfectly normal reaction to losing a loved one. Grief is normal, it’s not a mental health problem. Grief counselling can help some people but generally the intense feelings of loss become less with time.

If you think you’re not having some good days, by now perhaps it’s time to seek help. Either from a grief counsellor or your GP.

There is no "normal" when it comes to grief
When my Mum died I only took 2 days off for the funeral, but I was able to work flexibly to go to the funeral home, collect death cert etc.
2 days after her death I ran a client event in London - we just do things like that in my family and always have, its no reflection on how I felt about her
She has been gone 2 years now and I do miss her but I am absolutely fine.
Other people react differently and thats ok but I am not sure MH issues are a given

I agree with everyone else.

No, it isn't 'a given' at all that you will have mental health issues.
It is very likely that you will go through a grief process. That process is different for everyone and it is very likely you will go through waves of grief which can seem overwhelming and also periods when you seem to 'get on with life' for a while. That is grief, not a mental health issue.

Stop trying to medicalise something completely normal. Bereavement is rough. It can take you to your knees for years. Depression is part of it. It's one of the most horrendous parts of life.

No…. I don’t think anyone I know had a mental health issue after a parent died. Grief yes but not an actual mental illness.

Not always. My mum died aged 86 after a very short illness. She was at my wedding in may and dead by August.
I don't think any death will be as bad as my husband's who died aged 50 from a brain tumour. My dad is 93 and I will be very sad when he goes but will be able to carry on as 93 is a good age. But grief is very personal.

You're experiencing grief, you're not having mental health issues. I really hate how these days, normal emotions, which can be devastatingly awful, as a result of bereavement or other traumatic events, are medicalised.

Grief is dreadful and recovering from it isn't linear, some days or months are better than others and it can take a very long time to feel anything like normal.

My dad died coming up to 5 years ago, he was in his 80s and I was late fifties and we knew it was coming. I was absolutely devastated when he died, couldn't stop crying every day for months and I'd say it was at least 3 to 4 years before I felt anything like normal, even though I was functioning day to day. I knew from previous bereavement that I would eventually feel better, and I did.

It's a long hard road but you will feel better in time. You're very early on in your bereavement, allow yourself time.

I think it's different for everyone op.

My relationship with my mum had been tricky, but we were ok when she died. She was 'poorly' and declining but her death came absolutely out of the blue after complications of chemo.

I think I was ok with the suddenness of it all (I'm pragmatic about most things, even apparently death) but utterly overwhelmed with the stuff that had to be done afterwards. Sorting through a lifetime of memories, selling my childhood home, leaving neighbours I've known for 50 years. That was awfully hard, and I struggled with managing how I was feeling for quite some time. Maybe the grief was tied up altogether. But it was definitely the practical and legal stuff that completely floored me.

No, bereavement doesn't necessarily lead to a mental health problem. But it depends on so many factors. I had a male friend who never married and had always lived with his mum. She was his friend, confidante, social life - everything really. She died aged 80 when my friend was 60. He was so broken hearted that he died the following year. My own mum died aged 87 when I was 49. I loved her and we got on very well, but it didn't destroy me. On the other hand my husband's sudden death when he was 47 made me want to curl up into a ball for the rest of my life. It took me at least 4 years before I felt remotely "normal" again - although outwardly nobody would've necessarily known that.

I'm sorry for your loss. I suffered mentally a lot after losing my mum, but it's hard to say if it went beyond 'normal grief' and entered a mental health territory or not. All I can say is that the first year was horrendous, and very early days after losing a much-loved parent, so it's not unusual that you're finding it so awful. I really sympathise.

My friend’s mum died more than a decade ago, really suddenly having been fit and healthy. It has scarred my friend for sure. Even 10 years later. my own mum died after being ill with cancer for a long time, so when she died she was in an absolutely terrible state. So I feel that dying freed her.

My dad died at 54 and my mum was killed in a car accident in her 60’s (new partner driving and at fault, he also killed another younger woman). It was a tough time for sure, selling the house, organising a funeral, and waves of grief hit when you least expect, even many years on. But no mental health issues at all. It’s not a given.

It’s not a given. But it is perfectly understandable that it is hitting you hard. My father had a stroke and was in hospital for some weeks, perhaps long enough for us to come to terms with it and start grieving. I didn’t take any time off other than to help my mother with arrangements. When my mother died, she had also been ill for some time and was also 89. It was a bit of a relief - her quality of life was increasingly poor. But my DH died very suddenly and my kids were very young. That certainly took a lot of time to get over.
Don’t feel you are unique in feeling increasingly out of sorts, and get help with grief counselling if you can. I didn’t need it, which is by no means a reflection on my love or relationship to my parents. Resources are out there to help.