Feeling extreme guilt.

[Chunkychips1234]

A work colleague has recently passed away and I'm feeling extreme guilt for not visiting her before she passed.

At one time we were close but in recent months we spoke less than we used to. I blame it on my moods, I get waves of depression and for a while I am less jovial and banter less. Then she moved away from where she used to sit next to me and I was hurt. I struggled to bring up topics to talk about even though the conversation used to flow freely between us. We used to have such a laugh.

I knew her condition was serious but I didn't ask about it much because I didn't want to pry. I honestly thought that she would be able to get treatment and eventually return to work. Also I was barely told anything by other colleagues. A colleague said we'll go and visit her together but then I didn't hear anything else about that.

I sent her messages telling her that I'm thinking of her and signed a card along with everyone else that a colleague took to her, I also saw her briefly on a video call and smiled and waved at her.

I recently brought her some presents for her Birthday and was waiting for my week off to arrange a visit. I wished her happy Birthday by message.

I regret so badly delaying visiting and I'll always regret it. I don't know why I delayed but if I would have known that she had so few months to live and couldn't recieve treatment I'd have acted sooner. I also feel bad because I still had 3 months to arrange a visit. I just don't understand why I was reluctant but I genuinely did believe that she would recover.

I also deeply regret not making more of an effort to patch our friendship up and become as close as we used to be when she was still alive. We never once argued or fell out but we drifted apart a bit and our friendship cooled off.

I keep crying and thinking about her when I see places at work where she used to go and as I was sitting on the chair I was remembering her sitting next to me and us having a
laugh.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Friendships move on, it's not unusual to drift away from someone, especially a work colleague, it can happen naturally without any ill intent.

It's always sad when we lose someone...dont feel guilt, you did nothing wrong.

I’m really sorry for your loss. Guilt is a common reaction but reading this I’m struck by your phrases “I didn’t want to pry”, “I honestly thought she would get treatment and return to work”, “I sent her messages saying I was thinking if her”, “I recently bought birthday presents and was going to see her”, “if I’d have known I’d have acted sooner”’. All of these indicate that you were her friend and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Work friendships change, especially when people move and you don’t interact the same as before. It is normal to have regrets and sometimes these regrets move us to do something differently next time but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You both valued your friendship and you made each other laugh and that’s a lovely legacy to have. Let yourself grieve without the guilt.