Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

How to keep going?

9 replies

buddytherobin · 17/03/2026 14:39

My husband is dying. He has cancer and we don’t know how long he has left. We are early / mid 40’s and met 8 years ago. After thinking I would never meet someone (I had been adamant I didn’t want to settle for a relationship that wasn’t right and would have rather stayed single) We met on a random night out and fell for each other from day 1. We have a 6 years old DD and I truly thought I had found what life was all about. My soulmate. Safe, happy and so so loved. Now within the space of a year it’s all been taken away. I don’t know how I’m going to keep going. I don’t want to live without him. But I can’t not because I have our wonderful daughter. I just don’t know how I can do it. The world is becoming a more scary and wicked place by the day. I just don’t want to live any more once he passes but I can’t do that to our daughter. I don’t know what I’m asking I’m just distraught.

OP posts:
ArtAngel · 17/03/2026 14:43

OP I can hear your pain and I am so very sorry this is happening to you

MiaKulper · 17/03/2026 14:45

You'll get through it 5 minutes at a time. You have a wonderful daughter and wonderful memories.
You have been blessed with happiness until now.
Time does heal, eventually.

How would you feel if you were the one ill and your DH feeling as you do now.

A big virtual hug. Flowers

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 17/03/2026 14:57

I am so very sorry OP.

I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. But it is going to be just awful for your DD too who will be losing her Daddy at such a young age.

Do you have a good support network? Parents, siblings, in-laws, friends? These people are going to be everything to you while you work through this and try and come to terms with your grief and navigate a life without your DH.

There are some good support groups out there that you can get in touch with when you feel strong enough and ready to. Facebook groups also exist which will be full of women who have been through it too.

Widowed and Young UK (also known as WAY) aimed at widows under 50 years of age, might be a source of comfort and help connect you with others that have been in your place and know what you are going through. You may even be able to connect with them now, before you have even lost him, to give you some support.

I am sure there are support groups for young children who have lost parents too which may be something you can explore for your child.

Bereavement counselling can also help when the time is right and help you put your thoughts and feelings somewhere.

For now, I don't need to tell you to treasure each moment and make as many memories as you can. Take photographs and videos, these will be painful to begin with but will become so very precious so you never forget what he sounded like. Very important also for your DD who is still young so that she stays connected to her Daddy.

The video footage I have of my lovely Mum is one of the most precious things I now own. I cannot tell you how valuable they are.

Please keep reaching out on here. There will always be someone who has been through this and can offer help, support and the right words when you need them.

Sending hugs and strength to get through this very dark time in your life.

xx

mondaytosunday · 17/03/2026 14:57

I lost my DH suddenly when my kids were 4 and 6. I was 47 and we’d known each other eight years.
One day at a time is the answer. Because of the kids I had to get up every day and get them to school, and in that first week there was the funeral etc to get through. Then I had to sell our house as I couldn’t afford the mortgage and also couldn’t be there emotionally. Packing up all his things was so hard. That Christmas was just getting through - trying to make it lovely for my children but having no joy in it, and the tree came down earlier than ever before or since.
I had my moments for sure - really lost the plot a few times and I’m afraid my children got the brunt of it. But it’s because of them that I 95% held it all together and got through it.
Now, 16 years later and my kids are grown, one lives on his own, one at uni. We’ve moved four times. I haven’t met anyone else and miss him every day. Focus on keeping things going for your child and grieve in private. But do talk about him, keep photos up and talk about his favourite song or meal etc. I try and keep the memories of their father alive for my kids.

Isometimeswonder · 17/03/2026 17:02

Ah @buddytherobin, I feel for you. You haven't said how he is at the moment, but if he's doing OK right now then just be normal, do normal things.
If he's already poorly then please take as much help that's offered xx

buddytherobin · 17/03/2026 19:59

Thank you everyone for replying to me. He is very ill in hospital currently. I feel a bit better for letting that out. Trying to be strong for him and our little girl.

OP posts:
KylieKangaroo · 17/03/2026 22:31

I have no words I'm just so sorry, I hope your daughter gives you strength to get through each day. Life is so hard sometimes 😔

Hisredipad · 18/03/2026 03:31

It will be very difficult but you will get through it because of your DD. It will be a few minutes at a time, then a few more, then an hour and so on. I wasn’t prepared for the deep fog my brain fell into and lasted several months.

Try and plan if you can, get a notebook and write down everything you can think of that you will need to know, accounts, insurances, passwords to laptops and phones. DH and I had done this over a few year before his actual fairly quick passing and it was a saviour at a time my head was bursting with loss.
change as much as you can into joint names if not already, cash in premium bonds. (Deed of trust, ie prenup, if you had one, arrange to removed).

Make sure you’re 100% beneficiary of private pensions, anything invested over 50,000 will be inaccessible if in his name alone until Probate granted, mine took 12 weeks from submitting but took six months to draw together the paperwork (DH had businesses which needed valuing and took for ever to get).

You will be eligible for a bereavement support from the government, a lump sum, then an amount per month, tell them you have a child, must be claimed within three months of loved one passing. Just googled it, £3,500 lump sum and 18 months of £350, assuming you live UK.

As other have said built memories for your DD, and return and ask again and again when you are stuck, before I lost DH mnsnet was a giggle and a scroll, since losing him it’s been an invaluable source of help and reassurance when I didn’t know what to do (named changed pretty much for every thread, especially the financial questions).

Really sorry that you are going through this OP, sending virtual hugs as this incredibly tough time.

buddytherobin · 18/03/2026 21:17

@Hisredipad thank you so much for this advice, I’m so sorry you have also been through the same situation.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page