Struggling with my feelings

[hakunamatata20]

When my mum died earlier this month I thought I would feel like she was still around me or with me. But I've felt nothing, like this huge emptiness. I think it's making me question my faith as I would love to believe she is at peace in Heaven and watching down on us all but a part of me feels like that's just it and it's all very final and when you're gone you're just gone. I think I'm also struggling with the fact a person has all these thoughts and feelings and memories etc and once they've passed, that's just it, those things just disappear forever. I don't know if this makes any sense but how have others felt? Or how have you made sense of it all? I must want to feel her for some comfort I suppose and I'm just not getting it.

I'm not religious, so I've never expected to feel like they are around or anything like that. But the finality of it is overwhelming. And for me I've felt it is worse with the passage of time, not better. I don't know what the answer is, but just to say you're not alone in feeling alone x

It's tricky, I feel my Mum and Dad when I'm outside in nature. Often when I look at birds or sunrises/sunsets. I talk to them on the school run after dropping off my ds and other times e.g. when at the park and sitting on the bench for a few minutes. I've asked for her/him to play me a song on the radio and relevant songs come up. Have you tried talking to your Mum? Maybe once you get her ashes/have a grave to visit you will feel closer to her. Or maybe not.

You must be in such terrible shock right now. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would someone you love. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Use whatever helps you feel solace right now. You mention your faith so can you turn to someone at your place of worship or a special book for some answers? I really hope you find a way to connect with her. There are wonderful poems and pieces of writing about grief, perhaps you can search some out?

I lost my partner and father of my child a few years ago and he was quite young. I know what you mean about all their thoughts and memories. He had so much left to do and say that all those unfinished conversations just seem to hang there and it feels really wrong. Closure is very difficult.

Different thoughts have helped me at different points. Such as perhaps because he had packed so much into his short life perhaps that was his lot so to speak - he got it all done in half the time of everybody else.

At the moment there seem to be a lot of people his age sadly losing their lives: on mountains, on holiday, football players. I pointed this out to my son today and we spoke briefly about how losing your life really can happen to anyone.

Your mum watched you grow up and I bet she was very proud of you. That's one thing to think about when you feel like she's gone, she hasn't - she put a lot of herself into you

I very much understand what you say about a person's thoughts and feelings and memories all disappearing. All that energy and spirit and the space they inhabited just disappears from the world.

You are very much in the early days of shock and I found that numbed me. As though I stopped when mum did. Then, after a while I started feeling her around me again. Not a presence, but I would see a daffodil and think how mum loved them, or I would tell a story she'd told me and think 'ahh I get it, as long as I'm here to remember her, here she''ll be with me'. And she is. The memories, love and laughter did come back in time.

I read something that really helped me. It said when you are in grief your mind and body deal with the essentials but a part of you stops for a rest as it would be all too much to deal with at once. Then, when you've healed a little bit that part sits down and the other part takes over. They change roles over time, a little more pain is released and then a little more comfort comes. It really was the case for me.

I know it's not for everyone, but I find the words Immortality by Clare Harner very helpful. I like to think of my mum in all the beautiful, uplifting things in nature around me.
Don't lose faith. Take care of yourself love.

I can relate to this and how you’ve worded it makes complete sense to me. I questioned everything too. But then my family seen a medium and she now believes in “heaven” etc from what the medium told her.

sending my love to you as grief is the worst pain.

I'm really sorry for your loss, I have felt the same way at times when losing my Mum. I literally spoke into thin air asking her for a "sign" and then cried when there was no big reveal or lights flickering on and off! I still look for her everywhere I go and seem to see a lot of women who look like her, but I think part of your heart and brain never stops searching for them.

It does get easier with time and as a previous poster mentioned your brain gives you different parts of grief to deal with at different times. I can now appreciate how I mother my children is the same way she taught me and I like to think I got a lot of my good qualities from her. Sending you lots of love 🩵

I just wanted to come back and thank you all for your kind words and also say how much they have helped me. I took some time to let things settle a bit, think things through and also have the funeral. I can feel some positivity creeping through. Honestly, thank you ❤️.