What to expect from grief counselling, and what helped you most?

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Has anyone had the support of a grief counsellor? Did you learn anything as part of the process that you can pass on?

Yes. I spoke to cruse. The lady was lovely but it didn't really make any difference as I was happy talking about my friend day to day, just desperately sad that she was no longer my sidekick. I also had private counselling which wasn't helpful as I was told I was having an appropriate grief response. **

Two years on I still attend private grief counselling. I’ve learnt that everything I did and still do experience is normal for me - as everyone experiences grief differently. My therapist supports me and allows me space to be upset or happy or whatever my emotions are. I can say and talk about anything and it goes no further. They listen in a non-judgemental way to whatever I need to say. It was/is a safe place to talk about all sorts of issues surrounding my husband’s death. It’s now morphed into ongoing support whilst I attempt to rebuild my life and move on.
I’ve learnt that it takes as long or as short a time as it takes to get used to living with grief, there’s no wrong or right way to deal with it. It’s confusing and frightening but with the right help navigating it is possible. I’ve learnt new routines and tried new things.
It’s not for everyone and I admit I was sceptical but figured I had nothing left to lose by trying it.

I had it years ago. I still think of things that were covered and they help me now.

One of the most effective things she helped me realise was that the person who died doesn't become 'less' or smaller as time passes (I was scared that I would feel guilty if I didn't think of them as often, or they weren't central to my day): it helps me to think of them as a pebble in a pond; the ripples are my life moving on, spreading, getting bigger, but my loved one (thr pebble) is still the same size, still there, right in the middle. It 'allows' me to let my life get bigger, because I know that that doesn't mean my loved one gets smaller.

I had counselling when my mum died and the main thing I learnt was to give it time and not to fight my feelings. One explanation that resonated with me was to see it as being on a ship in a stormy lake. The waves are high and crashing around me but over time it will subside with just the occasional ripple. I found that to be true.

She annoyed me to start with as told me I was blessed to have the support I did from friends and family when I felt anything but blessed having just lost my mum in an accident but now I can see that I am lucky to have such lovely people holding me up when I couldn’t do it.

I am just about to have counselling again, 5 years later, as having a wobble but know it will help me and as others have said we are all different and grief is very individual.

Personally I just needed the opportunity to talk about the experience of the death in detail- as no one asks you, do they. It was when the counsellor agreed with me that it was awful and I was too young to have a dead mum that I thought "great! Someone heard me! " And then didn't feel I needed to go back.

that’s such a lovely definition ❤️

@HelloDaisy it was, and continues to be, a transformative and freeing thought process, and something I am so grateful to her for.
Sometimes I picture a fried egg instead, with him as the yolk, as that makes me smile. 😍

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Do you mind me asking when you started the counselling? My husband is terminally ill and was taken off active treatment and moved to a hospice this week. Various friends have encouraged me to start counselling now. I feel as if I am still in the eye of the storm and not ready to be vulnerable enough to start processing grief as I have to hold things together for this period. I'm not sure whether I'm making a mistake there.

@Sunnyphoenix My husband was diagnosed as terminal at the same point as his cancer was discovered. 17 days between diagnosis and death. Our GP (nhs) immediately started grief counselling at the surgery with a nurse practitioner, even before DH was allowed home on hospice care. I switched to private counselling five weeks later, a month after DH died. It was the best decision I made. I’ve stayed with the same therapist.

Private therapy (imo) is better because they can specialise whereas the nhs has to be all things to all patients. I did seek out a trained grief and trauma psychotherapist. Although I admit I was/am extremely angry at the way the consultant treated DH and how the hospital handled things, so my opinion is a little skewed on nhs v private.

I am so sorry you are going through this. There are no rules on what you should or shouldn’t do. You could try therapy now, later or not at all. You could start and stop therapy if you wanted. No rules to follow. Listen to yourself, and go with what you feel you need, that might looks like solitude or it may look like screaming at someone. You do what you need to do.

Thank you for taking the time for such a helpful reply and I am sorry to hear you had such an awful time. My husband is about 9 months since diagnosis, and in our case I'm releived to say the NHS have been incredible. It's just that he has an awful illness and one that has not responded to any of the standard treatments.

Thank you for all of your responses. I wish you all well on your different paths, those that are bereaved and those who are dealing with life limiting illness.

I didn’t find it very helpful - it felt like another thing to fit in and tried two therapists who weren’t really great (for me anyway). One was really unhelpful (I was struggling with way dad was behaving and despite him being an amazing dad previously, her advice was to cut him off totally - glad I didn’t listen). I think if you don’t have anybody to talk about it with in real life, then could be more helpful. Everyone is different though. What I did find helpful was a local bereavement group where people were going through loss at same time. I’m going through another major loss now and think I’m being forced on a high speed train by others, without being allowed even a brief pause at a station. I’d prefer to be on a normal train with a few days off here and there for engineering works. I’d at least like to be on a train where I’m allowed to sit inside and the emergency cord works. Maybe I need an English class more than counselling as no idea why my analogies are so strange now!

I’m sorry for your loss and really hope that you find what works for you.