Didnt attend funeral of my besties mother.

[ForRubyGuide]

Hi,

Would love opinions. In 2021 one of my besties mother passed away. At the time i was in a terrible cycle of anxiety and genuinely believed i would have a panic attack during the service and make the whole thing about me and 'ruin' a really important and special day for my friend.

I wasnt totally honest about the reason - i did have covid close to the funeral but couldve still gone. I sent flowers and a note apologising and ofc told her beforehand i was not attending.

We later had convos where i apologised again but i CANNOT get over the guilt that i didnt go. Am i a bad friend?

Thanks

Is she still upset about it? If not then move on. But if she I think she's justified in being so. I would expect my best friend to be there, and I'd be even more hurt if they weren't truthful as to why they weren't.

Honestly, she has said she isn't and she understands funerals can be really tough but i do feel a change since then, and i agree. I don't blame her. But i cannot go back and undo my decision. What do i do?

Why are you still thinking about it 5 years later? Are you still friends with her?

I understand your feelings of guilt. I didn’t go to a close friend’s mother’s funeral a couple of years ago as I couldn’t find any childcare for my two children but I deeply regret that. I should have just told DH he had to book a day’s annual leave - but for some reason I didn’t just insist and get on with it.

However, have said that I think your concerns about panic/anxiety are valid. When I was 18 I lost a friend of age 19. My mother came to the funeral as she also knew the family. At that time she was going through a period of extremely poor mental health with lots of physical panic symptoms. Not long after the coffin came in she tried to leave and literally collapsed at the door, fully fainted and wet herself. Luckily the local GP was also there and took care of her and walked her home, and I stayed for the funeral with my friends. But I was mortified - it seemed to me at my very young age that she had managed to make such a painful event all about her just by insisting on being then even when she wasn’t well.

I think you did the right thing.

Have you spoken to your friend about how she feels about your absence?

The only thing you can do is tell her the truth. She’ll either understand or she won’t. But at least you’ll have got it off your chest.

There's not much you can do. Sounds like that while she's happy to still chat she's put up walls as she was let down when she really needed you. It's an "actions speak louder than words" situation.

I have always regretted not going to funerals but sometimes it’s not possible and that’s just reality.

Don’t let these feelings get in the way of staying close to your friend. The funeral is never the end of it. Maybe have a one off counselling session so that you can offload, but more importantly call your friend and fix up a day out with her. I still very much felt the need to see friends around the time of the anniversary of a major death, even five or six years later.

Yes, still good friends. I am still thinking about it as i do feel an elephant in the room with our friendship - potentially only due to my guilt so i am trying to let it go and ensure i do whats best. Ive messaged her every year on the anniversary and on mothers day. Just wanna ensure i make up for it

I really think you are probably overthinking it.
Its a 2-way street after all - you were also going through some things at that time, it’s not like you swerved it for the sake of it.
If your friend has put up walls in your friendship when you have always remembered her mums anniversaries I think she’s being a tad dramatic. I actually think it would be worse if someone turned up to a loved ones funeral and then promptly forgot all about it - and a lot of people do that! What you are doing is actually more important than the funeral - you are remembering her on significant dates and acknowledging your friend in those moments.

Oh my gosh, I am going to try and say this kindly, but honestly...let it go. Please do not get it off your chest, or bang on about it, or tell her how guilty you feel. What is she meant to do with that?? It is not her job to absolve you, or rehash it, or make you feel better. She has said it's fine, so take it as fine. Move on. How are you being a good friend now? And honestly? What is she doing with your mother's day messages?! I would be exhausted by your obvious guilt. Is she? Maybe that accounts for the walls.

I can totally understand how that happened and how you feel.
My best friend died in a horrific car crash aged 19. The driver was stoned and crashed the car and she went out the back window of the car and broke her neck she died at the scene. We had been best friends for years but I had moved far away to go to art college. Another friend told me what had happened to her and told me about the funeral arrangements. But I didn’t go. I did nothing, no note to her family, no flowers, nothing. That was 40 years ago and I’m still haunted by it. I don’t have much advice to give you in your circumstances. But I am sending you hugs and hope that your friend forgives you. Sometimes things are unbearably overwhelming.

This is your anxiety talking in all kindness your friend had enough going on without caring if you were there or not. I know that is harsh, but I think you need to let it go, you can't talk to your friend about this it isn't fair on her.

Perfect message. I can take this on board. And to be clear - she loves us acknowledging her mother on these days and keeping her memory alive. I wouldn't do it unless i knew it helped her dearly.

None of my best friends came to my dad’s funeral (logistics, work etc.) and I honestly couldn’t care less. It wasn’t about attending on the day. It was the love and support they gave me throughout that whole period and beyond. It wasn’t about THEM. Anymore than your friend’s bereavement about YOU. Maybe this sounds really harsh and rude but maybe stop centring yourself in this. I don’t think you being there was top of the list then and it sure won’t be years later. Be her pal now.

The anxiety that kept you away may now be spoiling your relationship with your friend, perhaps? As you say, the funeral was not all about you and perhaps your absence on the day was a small thing compared to her loss. You've apologised, she's forgiven you. Don't let this come between you. She probably doesn't think of it.

I couldn’t go to my oldest friends Dads funeral. I had Covid- she asked everyone to test before going and lo and behold I had it. I feel sad I missed it but there was nothing I could do and it would have been selfish for me to go and spread it. I think it did impact our friendship a little but I think she understands it in her rational brain but the emotional brain is sad I didn’t go.

It doesn't sound harsh. Its actually very helpful and i really appreciate your response! Its a case of forgive myself - this isn't about me at all.

Its definitely a case of overthinking judging by the comments. Thankyou for helping!

A question, did this actually bother you enough to seek treatment for your anxiety?

I've spoken to drs and taken meds for anxiety for many years.

I think it is totally fine you did not go. Especially if you had recently had Covid.

Let it go now.

My mum died a decade ago and none of my closest friends came. But family did and other dear friend.

It's ok, i think.

Your relationship may have changed even if you went to the funeral because grief does change people. You need to stop making her mum's death and funeral about you.

Thankyou for being so kind 💖