Same age as mum - anniversary

[FullOfFresias]

Today it is 33yrs since my mum died. I was 16, she was 49. She killed herself. I am now 49. Looking back I have spent all my adult life in the shadow of this. I have been obsessed with what happened. I didn't use it as a chance to make her proud like other people do.
I wallowed, made wrong choices, wasted so many years. It has literally consumed my life. For years I was so sure I wouldn't 'outlive' her - but now that time is here I have realised I actually do want to stay alive. But I think I have done too much damage to my life, relationships, health, career. I'm not angry with my mum - I fully get why she did what she did. I'm angry with myself for not using her as a lesson in doing all you can her to live your best life after a tragedy and in overcoming adversity. Instead I have followed her life examples but without the good stuff. And I keep remembering that I thought she was so old at 49 yet now I am that age I still feel like an abandoned 16yr old.
Why are some people able to use tragedy to spur them on and some (like me) spend their lives looking backwards?
Not asking a question- just putting it out into the ether. Maybe others recognise what I mean.

I’m sorry to hear you lost your mum in such away. It must have taken years to process and accept that. Perhaps that you are now the age she was when she died it’s time to forgive yourself as well… why does life have to be all about learning lessons? Perhaps from now on you can try to live your best life??? I’m not sure if I’ve articulated myself very well but didn’t want to read and run xxx

Thank you for responding. I think I have spent so much of my life looking backwards and wallowing that I don’t know how to look forwards and I think it’s too late to try

I'm so sorry that must have been a horrible thing to go through. Have you had any sort of counselling or support?
Look you have still got many years ahead of you. It's not too late to live your best life.

Yeah I’ve had counselling over the years - I’ve not found it particularly helpful. Have tried suicide specific counselling too.
I know this won’t make sense but my mums death has become my identity. If I move past it I don’t know who I am. Yet I can I see that I have wasted so many years being like this.

It’s really tricky Op. It’s like why do some people react to certain circumstances in one way & others a totally different one? I think we’re all unique & so how we fare & cope in life is down to so many individual internal & different external variables. And a large amount that is out of our control too - despite how much we like to think we are completely autonomous in shaping what we do in life. It’s hard not to compare to others & then come to the conclusion we’re somehow less than for the way we respond or do things in life. What you experienced was a severe trauma however, so it’s no wonder it has never left you. And the hurt & pain of being abandoned that you still feel may be because the trauma is complex & may not be fully processed so it’s still hurting you? I know therapy speak implies this to be the thing you’re asking about in your post - that it’s something you can “work through” & then “get over” it. And then use positively. But maybe trauma focussed therapy might help you find a way to deal with those feelings about yourself & your abandonment (unless you’ve already gone down this road). I have recently lost my own DM, unexpectedly, but she was an elderly lady at the end of her life. I am however experiencing traumatic episodes & emotional pain I’ve never experienced in my whole (middle aged) life. So I can only imagine how incredibly painful (& your subsequent attempts to cope with what you had to go through) made you feel like then as a young person through to now. It’s really hard to accept oneself I believe as we truly are. Without comparison or judgement. No answers am afraid! But feel your pain x

Sorry OP was writing my reply & saw yr update x

I think losing a parent, particularly your primary carer to suicide is very difficult to overcome.

Even if you logically know they were unwell and it’s nothing to do with you/who you are (were), so many unanswered questions.

Op you've not wasted your life. We all make mistakes its part of living. You're tormented by an awful tragedy at a young age. Its about learning and moving on from those mistakes. Can you share some positives that have come from your last 30 years?

@Randommess I think that’s it. It is so different to any other death (not better or worse) just so different in how people react. I just know how much she loved me. She was the age I am now and I know how much I love my dc. And yet she did it.
This is going to sound really awful - I am annoyed that I don’t have that option. I’m a single mum - my dc have no dad to go to if something happens to me, there is no money to pass on. My mum didn’t even have those worries. I know it sounds awful to think of it like that but these are my thoughts.
I was watching Long lost Families with my dd the other night - it was an episode where a woman in the 1960’s gave up her child because of the shame of bringing a single parent. My mum became a single parent in the 60’s (to my older sibling) in the face of so much adversity, against all her family, then qualified as a nurse when my older sibling was 3, all on her own- she was rocking it for feminism! She was my hero - she kept her own career, was way ahead of her years with equality etc yet still got beaten to the point of wanting to be dead. I don’t get it. I will just never understand.

OP this really resonated with me.

my mum died 40 years ago at age 41 and 10 days, when I was just 5. The day I turned 41 and 10 days was a huge milestone for me…. I was actually so anxious leading up to it and “outliving” her that I felt like I was having a breakdown. I also had a 5 year old daughter and it was so overwhelming.

That was 5 years ago and having lived my entire life with this hanging over me and being a large part of my identity, things have actually become increasingly easier since I passed that milestone.

it’s almost like my brain has switched to “nope, it didn’t happen to you. You’re passed that stage and you’re fine” and it’s felt weirdly freeing. I’ve not had any specific counselling but I did talk about it a lot both before and after.

I hope you also find a way to move forward in this grief.

The death of a parent at a young age is a powerful thing op, and suicide even more so. It impacts us in so many ways . . .

I'm sorry that counselling wasn't helpful for you. However you have now reached an age where perhaps you can now be free of waiting for this age to arrive. It has been looming over you for so long. You are there now. You can take a deep breath and can start to make make choices for you

Don't feel bad, by comparing yourself with others. Those who take tragedy and turn it round are often painted as heroes by the magazine writers or social media posts, but their real lives are often far messier and more complex than that. A messy, half hearted story doesn't get many clicks though, so it's tidied up and given a smart spin, but it's not always that great beneath the surface.

Be kind to yourself. You have survived a huge tragedy. Start small. Try to focus on enjoying/appreciating one thing. Maybe a daily walk to somewhere nice like a park and take time to see nature around you as everything comes to life this spring. Or set a daily target to really notice and smile at people or to ask someone how they are and really give them your time to listen to their answe

You might consider volunteering, which will bring you into contact with new people. Or try a sport or an activity which you would like to do. These are small steps which may not sound amazing, but offer routine, companionship, small achievements, which you can build on. You won't love them all, but you can give stuff a go, and stick with things that are positives on your life, and make you feel good.

Wouldn't it be great if a year from now, on the anniversary of your mums death, you could look back and see that you had made choices which helped you or someone else, made you feel less anxious and more in touch with your world, or at least a bit healthier and fitter? Then another new year begins for you to build on those small successes. Maybe you'll set yourself a bigger challenge and end up doing amazing, or maybe you'll accumulate lots of little experiences which all make your life a little richer.

I really hope that happens for me too. I’m not passed the actual age she was (I mean to the day) but yes I feel it looming over me.
I am equally sorry but also glad that someone else gets it. Thank you ❤️

Thank you. Going to screen shot this. Might as well start trying over again. I have alienated myself from everybody so really do need to start from scratch. But no other choice is there?

It's really not too late. Honestly. 49 feels very old but when it's 10, 20, 30 years behind you, you realise it really isn't.

It's possible to make sense of this and change the way you think. At the moment your mind is still trying to figure out what happened, why it happened and your role in the tragedy; not to hurt you but to protect you. Once that inner turmoil is resolved the emotional connection with the past will be broken. You won't forget what happened but it will no longer define you.

Just read your updates. Honestly, your feelings make so much sense. They don't sound awful at all. They are very real and you may never fully understand or come to terms with what happened.

But you have dcs and love them. Making small but positive choices can and will enrich life for you and for them too. Hang on in there

How? How do I do this? I feel so, I don’t even know what word is - unworthy? I don’t trust anybody wants to know me, or likes me. I feel full of self pity and I hate that about myself. How do I change my thought process?

There's a part of your mind that is 'stuck' at the time of your mum's death, a time when you were still figuring out who you were and what your place was in the world. Therapies such as EMDR and hypnotherapy/remedial hypnosis can help you get unstuck by seeing the past from an adult perspective. I've worked with people in their 60's and 70's to let go of childhood trauma.

There is a choice and maybe it's taken you this long to realise it? You were so young and death by suicide must be much harder to overcome. My very close friend lost her mum at 16 them her dad at 17, both natural causes, it's taken her until now (she's 52) to accept it, she had made a good life and has a very strong marriage but I remember the 15-20 years it took for her to build it.

August. That’s when I will have outlived her. August. And my dc3, will be almost to the day, the same age I was when she died. I hated seeing my older dc turn 16 because whilst they were getting older they seemed far too young to lose me. Yet I was expected to just get on and forget about it? No time off school, take GCSEs as normal just a month or so later. Don’t make excuses. Be responsible for so much at home. Watch dad enjoy all the money he had coming to him, constantly out or away with his mates. Told me off because I got a B not an A in French - 1 of my French exams was the same day as my mums inquest. People crossing the road to avoid me in my own village. Teachers telling me I shouldn’t let something like this get in the way of my GCSEs. This is why I am pathetic- this is what goes round in my head over 30years later.

I know I am stuck. I feel that very much. I tell that to my Dr. I am stuck emotionally at that age. I need to become unstuck.

Op I say this as someone struggling for a different reason but you need to focus on the positives in your life. You mentioned you have dc for example. This is a huge positive for you and show you've not wasted your life making mistakes all the way through. That's just 1 examples I've picked up im sure there's many more. Do you have a dh? Do you have real life support?

You experienced trauma and had little support by the sound of it and you've still come out fighting after building a life for yourself. You should be proud of yourself for this

I do wonder if your Mum was peri/menopausal and that she was seriously affected by it as some women are.

She sounds wonderful and that she achieved so much.