how to support a friend who has lost her baby who was born prematurely..

[fairylights]

a friend of mine who was in my antenatal class for our first babies has just lost her second baby who was born a few days ago at about 26 weeks. He lived a few hours and then sadly his little lungs gave up.
We don't know each other that well and she is a very private, self reliant kind of person, but I am really aware that she hasn't lived in the area long and her MIL died only a few weeks ago .
Also, everyonr from our antenatal group (apart from me) has either just had a baby or is pregnant and I am sure this will make it all the harder to stay in touch.
If anyone could give me some pointers of how to be most supportive and helpful I would really appreciate it. Thanks x

First of all, just be there. Whenever you are bereaved 90% of people just avoid you and it's horrible.

Secondly, you don't have to do or say anything, give her the space to talk, or not to talk. You don't need to worry that you are still pregnant either. Having miscarried myself several times it fills me with hope to know that it can work out.

Turn up, make her a cup of tea and take cake with you. You don't have to do any more than that.

So sorry for your friend's loss. It's absolutely devastating, and will take her a long time to come to terms with it. I posted this on another thread - it's very popular on the SANDS forum (stillbirth and neonatal death society). The only other thing I would say is just keep in touch - writing is really nice, because then she can respond when she feels ready. Lots of people don't know what to do/say after the initial "I'm sorry" and so they don't do anything. I know I've lost friends this way. Just keep in touch, talk to her about her baby, if she has pictures she might show them to you, etc. You're clearly a good friend to be thinking this way.

My son was born at 26 weeks and he lived for two hours Just go round, be there for her, offer to do whatever you can, also try and think of people who do not know who may say the wrong thing inadvertently. Might i suggest you look at the sunflower thread and ask people on there for advice,,, its a thread for people who have lost a child they may have other ideas,,, i'll let them know you may be calling in...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1367/547268

WMMC - that's lovely advice, but I have to say I would have HATED anyone turning up - I was unbelievably angry at the world and wanted all my feelings private until I'd found some way of dealing with them. And this is the problem - everyone deals with grief differently - fairylights - just take your friend's lead, and if she is ok about seeing people, then cake and tea, as wmmc says, is all you need to do.

I took a card round to my friend intending to drop it through the box and 'not disturb' her. She saw me and opened the door and burst into tears saying that although she had lots of condolence messages/cards etc, not one person had come to see her. She was really lonely and I ended up staying all day drinking tea and letting her talk.

It's amazing how many people will avoid going to see others in that situation. My heart goes out to her and i'm glad she has someone like you think of her, you sound like a lovely friend.

I would send her a 'thinking of you' card.

That way she can contact you when and if she feels ready. Turning up unannounced could be a little intrusive.

When my DD2 was born (she nearly died but luckily hung in there) I really appreciated cards and letters, and realised that a lot of people were thinking of us even if they didn't phone. Many people just don't know what to say, and that's fine, but knowing they are thinking of you helps.

thank you so much for your speedy replies.
I will write her a card and then maybe take it around and see whether she seems like she would want company or not. I will go onto the sunflowers thread, i wasn't sure if it would be appropriate to post there but will do now. Thank you all so much, and i am really sorry that you have all had to go through the same sad experience to be able to give this advice x

Anyone who has lost someone is welcome on the sunflower thread, i post there about my son, my dad and my husband all whom i have sadly lost,,, everyone on there will try and do their best to help they are lovely people...............

fairylights - please be there for her...even if she sobs and cant talk...and most important HUG her - even if you dont know her very well. When my two sons died people didn't touch me and did avoid me.

and I second Lotties post - come over to the sunflowers thread - it is not always we often have plenty of [grins] and [smiles] - just bereaved people trying to find their way through the crap grief process.