Absent friends after loss

[Heidi89]

Since I lost my little girl in November last year, she was stillborn, my friends have been distant. First couple of weeks after they were great, but since then they have hardly message and they've not come to see me.
Me and my partner are in between two houses and working long hours so our main house is currently only used for me to sleep in a few nights a week. I have suggested my daughters ashes go to my mom's until we are settled as if we were ever burgled and something happened I'd be devastated.
After a phone call, my friend then told me I have an unhealthy obsession with her ashes and she's worried about me.
It's really played on my mind. When I do speak to my friend I mention my daughter to keep her memory alive because no one else mentions her. Her ashes are what I have left of her physically and I don't think not wanting anything bad to happen to them is unreasonable.
If my friend was in contact with me she would know since November I went back to work 5 weeks after giving birth, I have navigated Christmas and new year, a new job, a house move, my partner starting a new business and the snippets that she does speak to me are exactly those, just snippets.
Does anyone have any similar experience? How should I approach this?

I’m so sorry OP. I would never, ever say that to a friend going through what you are. Nor would I even think it! Your daughter’s ashes are important and you can keep them for as long as you wish, and for anyone to call that an unhealthy obsession says more about them than it does you.

Regarding friends being absent in general - I have often felt that way after a bereavement. I think it’s a combination of them not knowing what to say, them trying to give you space, and their lives simply moving on. Time operates differently when you’re bereaved, and the loss can feel very recent even years later but often those around us don’t realise we are still struggling, and consider it a thing that’s in the past.

im sorry for your loss.

maybe your friend recently miscarried or has a sad past and talking about your daughter is just too hard? maybe shes one of the types of people that put painful or difficult stuff in a cupboard in their head and dont discuss it so it’s hard for her when you talk about dd?

maybe you talk about dd all the time as youre still grieving and dont realise shes in every sentence and it’s starting to get overwhelming for people who just want to move on as it’s not their dd?

who knows.

youve done well to go back to work and deal with all the things you have. if you’re ready maybe it’s time to think about counselling? that would give you someone to talk to about dd so you don’t need to talk about her with your friend that cant cope?

i know youre the one with the loss and youre the one that needs support but if you want to see that friend i think you need to hold back on talking about dd. sorry if that’s upsetting, but the other option is to not see your friend, as i dont think she’s coping with the convo. Up to you how you proceed but maybe having a professional to talk to will help and you can talk about other things with your friend.

again, sorry for your loss, so very sad.

I am currently having counselling and I honestly believe I talk about my daughter a healthy amount. I have had conversations with my friend where my daughter hasn't been bought up, and the one time I do she tells me it's unhealthy. I do think it says more about her relationship with loss than mine but I just feel that just because she died doesn't mean I can't talk about her.
She isn't taboo, she isn't gossip, she's my daughter. I should be able to talk about her freely

When you're grieving a significant loss, it's important to surround yourself with love, unconditional acceptance, and support. Take a break from this friend and reconnect with her later. You can't deal also with your friend demand of not talking about your traumatic experience, it seems to me unfair on you and doesn’t take into account what you have just gone through. You have already demonstrated enormous resilience in going back to work and dealing with a house move. You sound great to me and if you feel you need to talk about your daughter this is a legitimate need that might help you process this loss and heal. Just be yourself. Sending lots and lots of love x

I'm so sorry for your loss
With most bereavements, we have memories or maybe even some cherished heirlooms; but you have those ashes so I completely understand why you need to keep them safe.

People who don’t have a loss yet just don’t understand.

Dhs ashes are the most important item in my house.

I am sorry for your loss. My observations about grief are that

it is common to lose friends and people to distance themselves particularly those who haven't suffered a loss or a comparable loss. They cant relate, they cant understand and are scared they will say the right thing. Good friends will come back around if they are good friends and then it is up to you whether you feel the absence was something you can understand or cant forgive. Your friend is probably misguidedly worried about you and trying to help but they cant understand how you feel as they are not you.

do not let anyone tell you that anything you are doing when you are grieving is unhealthy or obsessive. This is very raw for you. It is a matter of months. People grieve differently and if it helps you, then you just do what works for you. Time doesn't solve the grief but it eases it and you will find that you get to a point when you can face things you couldnt face before.

with the ashes and your fear about your daughters memory being lost - there are plenty of cemetries and memorial gardens that allow burial of ashes with a headstone or memorial plaque and that might be something that would work for you in time. Even if that isn't what you want now, in terms of allaying your fears about them being stolen, even if that happened (which is very unlikely - think about it - who on earth is going to want to make off with a container of ashes? burglars want cash and ipads to sell) you could still have a headstone or plaque in a memorial garden.

Grief is a bad place and just take it a day at a time. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this pain.

OP. I'm so sorry you're grieving.

When my mother died and was cremated, my brother and sister and I decided to bury her ashes in the National Trust's Sissinghurst Castle Gardens (which she'd loved) and the NT were quite fantastic.

My mother's ashes were buried under an apple tree in the orchard. Everything was ready for us when we arrived (before the gardens were opened so we'd be alone). Apparently we can come back at any time and visit, without paying admission.

They had a memorial book in which we left a poem:

“She walks in the loveliness she made,
Between the apple-blossom and the water--
She walks among the patterned pied brocade,
Each flower her son, and every tree her daughter.”

― Vita Sackville-West, The Land

Maybe something like this would be a suitable resting place for your child's ashes, if you ever want to part with them?

@CrystalSingerFan That is all beautiful x

I’m so sorry for your loss.
You can keep your darling daughter’s ashes forever if that is your wish.

Your friend is emotionally inept.