Anger and irritation

[SmugglersHaunt]

An elderly man (89) I helped look after (shopping and popping in for a chat, recently seeing him multiple times a day as he was dying) died on Sunday and I’m very sad he’s gone but glad he’s not suffering any more.

But - slightly ridiculous question - I find myself miserable and really really irritable - is this normal? He want family and we weren’t hugely close. Just wondering if it’s him going or I’ve just become monstrous

It’s grief. You weren’t close, but you’re missing both him and the routine of looking after him. It’s expressing itself as low grade anger.

Let it work its way through and just apologise to anyone who is the target. Tell them a neighbour died recently and you’re missing him more than you expected.

Totally normal. Inasmuch as anything around grief is "normal". It's different for all of us.

Even if you weren't 'close', you clearly cared for this man and he was part of your day/life.

Be kind to yourself, feeling out of sorts is definitely a thing when someone dies.

Thanks both - I think it’s really affected me more than I first thought.

How lovely of you to have given so much of your time to help this person - quite the opposite of monstrous !
Will you be able to go his funeral ?
Do you have any contact with his relatives?

It's grief. It is probably grief in a number of ways - the basic loss of someone you knew. the loss of your caring function. the fact that any death can trigger pre-existing grief if you've experienced that before and if you haven't any death triggers our own awareness of mortaltiy. if you weren't that close to him but were helping him because he had no family, this situation can also trigger fears of what our own position will be when we die.

Don't underestimate that if you were spending time helping him alot then you may feel consciously or subconsciously that you have lost some of your life purpose. Caring for someone and helping them especially someone who is dying is one of the most important and meaningful functions any human can do for another. Everything else seems trivial next to that and it can take a while for that sense to dissipate.

That is a very kind and special thing you chose to do.

Thank you. I think me and a few others on the estate will do something for him. I’m hoping to plant some trees as still so want to dedicate one to him. Just waiting to see when the funeral is

Thank you for writing that - it’s really lovely.

I’ve lost quite a few friends in the past and it seems to bring all of those times back as well.

I think him going is also affecting me because my mum is the same age and has spent the past few years telling me she wants to die every day. It’s quite a lot to listen to sometimes!

You are welcome. Grief is really tough and it definitely triggers old grief.

If your mother is telling you she wants to die regularly and this is because she is frail or unwell in some way, you may also have anticipatory grief.

I don't know what your relationship is like with your mum but if its good and you love her, treasure every day because one day she won't be there. I've been through parental loss and it is one of the most horrible painful times.