Should I go to his funeral

[Frazzledmum49]

My daughter’s dad died suddenly and I don’t know if I should go to his funeral or not? We have been separated 13 years and he married and had a son in this time. I’ve had nothing to do with him since we separated mainly because of his lack of effort to spend time with our daughter. I mean it wasn’t always bad but wasn’t a happy ending when we split. My daughter is happy to go to the funeral with her dads wife and her younger brother but I’m struggling with mixed emotions and not wanting to upset anyone x

Yes I think it would be good to go to support your daughter - that’s a very sudden bereavement for her at a young age . I would expect to go with her . Also whatever went on maybe you would like to pay your respects to someone you were obviously once very close to .
I don’t think anyone could object to your presence.

Are you on reasonable terms with your ex's widow? If so, then perhaps you could ask her how she feels about it, and whether or not she thinks it would be appropriate for you to accompany your dd.

As your daughter is OK if you don’t go, you don’t need to unless you want to.

If you do want to, I think you should check with the widow out of courtesy. You could do this by sending a letter of condolence and asking the question in that letter.

In similar circumstances, my ex SIL attended a family funeral but didn’t come to the house for refreshments after (though she was invited). We appreciated that she came and we appreciated her sensitivity.

How old is your DD? If she's 13, I 100% would go to help her through it. If she's 20, I'd accept that she probably doesn't need me there and it's more a moment for her and her stepmum.

Sorry should have said my daughter has just turned 17

I would go, to support your daughter 🌺

My DH’s ex came to his funeral. His kids were just about adults (and they sat with me anyway). She was gracious enough to say she thought the service (non religious, so I wrote every word the funeral director said) was perfect.
She was part of his life for over 20 years and I think it would have been odd for her not to come, even though they did not have a positive relationship, and not much of one at all since his kids got over 18 years. I really don’t think you would offend anyone.

I'd go. Your DD is young, and without that man you wouldn't have her.

My daughter is happy to go to the funeral with her dads wife and her younger brother but I’m struggling with mixed emotions and not wanting to upset anyone x

It sounds like your daughter wants to support her younger brother and dad's wife? If you go, it may split her focus and she may feel she should sit with you, away from them, which may cause some upset all round.

Maybe talk to your daughter a little more, and make it clear that if you do go you want her to sit with them and you'll sit further back so as to not encroach.

If you don't get on with his wife I'd probably stay away.

Unless the wife hates you, I'd go. He was important to you at the time. He and you created your daughter.

I'd mention to the wife that you'd like to attend, but if she'd rather you didn't, you'd respect that. But I think it's perfectly fine to go.

As your DD is 17 and is happy to sit with her Step mum and siblings I'd stay away because his wife is the primary mourner and she might not want you there.

Which is why OP would ask first. And I'm assuming no significant bad feeling between them.

If you've had nothing to do with him for 13 years and your DD is happy to go with the step mum I'd stay away.

I would make sure I had no commitments that day so could be with my DD if she needed.

No. My DM didn’t come to my dad’s funeral. It wouldn’t have been appropriate. She was very upset about his death though and sent my step mum a letter.

It depends whether you want to.
His wife may be focussed on getting through the day and supporting her son so it could be a lot to support your daughter too. If it was me I’d go to make sure that she’s ok

You may not have been close to him recently but he was part of your life once. The ritual of a funeral is important to healing, whether or not you think you need it now.

I went to my ex’s funeral and it helped. But I was on good terms with everyone there and I supported his friends who were devastated.

This

No way would I go. He's not been a part of your life for 13 years, you're not grieving him, and it sounds like it was a lengthy acrimonious split.

You could take your daughter if she needs transport but stay out of the way. By which I mean, in the car or go look round the shops.

The last thing his family needs when they're grieving is an ex who he's no doubt spun a tale about.

Would you know lots of people there. The reason I ask is I was at a funeral recently where the ex wife attended. A lot of the people there knew her and went up to her offering her their condolences. It was quite awkward as the man's wife and their children were not impressed.

if you daughter is happy to attend with her brother and step-mum then I would either go and stay at the back (after making it clear to your daughter that she does not have to sit with you etc. Or else wait in a nearby coffee shop etc.

I dread my DH's ex wife coming to his funeral when the time comes. I f DC is happy to go without you, I would stay away. A sympathy card to his widow would be nice though.

When I lost my dad last year we were actually a bit surprised that his first wife didn't come to the funeral. They'd split over 40 years before, but she lived in the area and they had a daughter together (my half sister) so she definitely knew what had happened.

Don't go. Your daughter is with her other family. You may cause distress to his wife and other children. This isn't about your feelings

I’d personally be fuming (from beyond the grave) if my XH went to my funeral. Because I don’t like him. My DC have plenty of other people who could support them there.