Confidence, 2 years on from loss

[TashBear]

Hi all. Recently I've been trying to get my act together to find a new job, I've been desperate to leave my existing one for some time. But I've been ruminating (not healthy I know) on all the ways in which maybe I'm not capable, why would anyone new ever employ me, etc. I also struggle confidence-wise in some other situations, I try and cover it up but it's there deep down. I never used to be like this, I'm 42 and sometimes at work I feel like I'm 22 and a rabbit in the headlights at the big scary world. My mum died suddenly, coming up 2 years ago now, and it still shakes me to the core. I wonder if this is one of the reasons I am struggling internally... I just wondered if anyone else had suffered a loss of confidence at work or elsewhere, since losing your loved one? Interested to hear others experiences, maybe it would help to share 🤍

Hello.

I am sorry to hear about your mum. You sound as tho you were super close....

I have not shared your experience of a grief causing loss of confidence, but I have suffered a lack of confidence generally because I was a battered kid and faced life on my own, so I had no one to fall back on and simply HAD to get everything right for myself, whether I liked it or not.

What I notice from your post is how you talk yourself down - say such bad and scary things, it's no wonder you don't want to go for anything!

I learnt the power of words and how to use them to help me. I had no choice right, so I might as well work out how to bolster myself before doing something I had to do.

So -

• I don't have to do this, I 'get' to do it.
• Think of all the ways it could go right (they are advertising because they need some one, they actually need you to go in and explain why they can rely on you, and then they will feel relieved and offer you the job).
• Stick up positive affirmations - 'I no longer ruminate on bad things happening, I am getting a new job, I am making positive changes for myself' etc
• See for yourself how much better such messages make you feel - and it's just your thoughts right? Its just words you say in your head that make you feel a certain way, and then you get a better result out of life.

It really is OK to leave lack of confidence behind in life. It can be done. Do you believe that?

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my Mum 13 months ago and it has kind of effected my work too. Not in a confidence way but more in a I don't care what happens kind of way, not sure if that is any better though!

Was your Mum a good support to you and did she give you encouragement and words of support when you were feeling incapable? Maybe that's what you are missing 💚

Try not to be so hard on yourself, my view is that losing one of your parents is the hardest thing and the fact that you can and have been coping with that shows great resilience and strength, these are both great qualities to have when looking for a new job. Please try and be kinder to yourself, you've got this!

Thank you for sharing this - I'm sorry you had to get there on your own, but it's inspiring that you did. The first bullet point especially is a great way of looking at things - I've written it down in my work notebook.

I think you're right, the words we use and the self talk have a big impact. I know this logically and know I don't do myself any favours when those negative voices take over. I would call this out if a friend was talking themselves down. But I tend not to tell any friends I'm doing it 😅

Thank you again for replying

Thank you - I'm sorry for your loss too 💚For what it's worth I think your feelings about work are very valid and a healthy response. Losing someone puts everything in a different perspective.

I didn't used to talk loads about my work to my mum, it was a different world for her. Though, she was proud of me, which was nice. And, just there, always on the end of the phone. I think it's more that I just feel a bit lost and incapable. Life has gone on, and it's not like I don't have any good times. But there's this underlying feeling of being a bit lost and somehow I've turned on this big self doubt.

Thank you much for your kind response 💙

Reading this I could have written it myself! Sorry for your loss. My mum also died very suddenly 8 years ago and I had an overwhelming loss of confidence. It's taken me a long, long time to build myself back up to feeling like I can actually do my job, and even now sometimes as soon as anything goes slightly wrong or there's a tiny bit of criticism at work I feel like I'm right back there with zero confidence again. So not really any advice, just wanted to say I've been there, sometimes I still am there and it's really hard! I think it's because my mum was my safety net and my advice on everything and so functioning without that security just undermines any confidence you did have, because I feel a lot of my confidence came from her.

Thank you, its nice to know it's not just me! I hear you on taking the smallest things to heart. I also find myself struggling to focus the way I used to. I sometimes wonder how much is to do with losing my mum vs the general overwhelm that is life - I think it's probably a bit of both for me but like you said, losing that safety net has had a huge impact. Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it 💚

Hi Lost my dad in April last year and my confidence is ok, i just have no motivation at all! I do what needs to be done at work to justify my salary but just feel really meh all the time...

I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my mum suddenly 5 years ago and for the first couple of years, it felt like the walls of my internal house had been knocked down. My work was more of an escape/outlet for me but my outlook in other areas wasn’t great. For the longest time, though I didn’t specifically want to die, I also just didn’t want to exist or feel the pain and loss any more. The passing of time and some good counselling helped me and in my third year, I just started to feel better, as though my mojo was slowly coming back.

Everyone is different but yes, your loss of confidence could well be related to your grief. Grief can show up in the oddest of ways.