DC approaching age DSis was when she died

[MayasJamas]

I lost my little sister suddenly when she was 16, many years ago. She had just done her GCSEs, but never got to pick up the results - a small, cruel aspect of an overwhelming tragedy.

As my own DD reaches this age, I am filled with panic and a sense of impending doom. A time that should be (and is) exciting is shadowed with the sense that I am bound to lose her. She is working hard for her GCSEs and deciding on college courses, planning for her future, but I can’t seem to think past the summer - which is when my dear sister died. Even my DD’s 16th birthday coming up feels like it takes me a step closer to losing her.

I know this is trauma doing its worst. But I don’t know how to shake it off. Has anyone experienced this too?

Oh definitely yes this really resonates. My lost sibling was a couple of years older, exactly the age my ds is now.
I thought about it a lot when I reached that age - like I could never be older than her - and now, I think of my mum being my age when she suffered this loss.
We all know that it isn't going to happen the same way again though. Your dd will be fine. But of course it's going to pull trauma back to the surface
Did you ever have any counselling? I did, and it really helped

Thank you for your message. Yes, gosh there’s that aspect too - that my mum lost her child at around my age 😢 I’ve had counselling, and it was ok but they said I was dealing with my grief in a healthy way. I think some specific trauma counselling would be good tho. The ripples are definitely felt throughout my family even decades on - perhaps even more than the early days when we were just surviving. I sometimes wonder if it’s normal to cry my heart out over a girl I lost 20 years ago. But then that’s the price we pay for love. But the trauma and anxiety I could do without.

I have a friend that this really affected, but it was her mum who died very young. My friend has had health anxiety ever since, something approaching Munchausen's Syndrome. It dominated her life and then, quite unexpectedly, her sister died at the same age as her mother did, that loss compounded the grief and she is worse than ever. Maybe see if more counselling is open to you?

As a bystander it is very understandable, but so upsetting to see.

Completely understandable reaction to a heartbreaking loss. Maybe seek a bit more support so you don't let that impact your daughter - but I get it. Lost my mother very very young and it was very weird when I got older than her, but I also worry much more about not being there for my kids than is probably "normal" especially as they approach the age I lost my mother.

Sorry for the loss of your mother xx I definitely have to try not to be over protective with my kids, especially with my dd the age she is. My sister died in an accident while having her first taste of freedom away from home. But yet I have to let my dd go and experience that same freedom. I can’t prevent her from doing that. It’s so hard. The more of your messages I read (thank you 🙏) the more I realise I may need support with this.

one of my childhood best friends lost her brother when he was 17, and I know as her own DD gets older she worries so much. I think it’s normal to feel that way after such a tragedy, when you’re so young too. My friend was 14 when her brother died and she is 49 now and it has never gone away. I don’t think such a loss ever does. Maybe some counselling will help to talk it through.

Not exactly with children, OP, but my best friend passed with breast cancer at 50. Three children, the youngest being 15. Her own mother also had breast cancer in her 40's - still fit and well at 85. I don't blame you for your worry though-that's what makes us human. Hoping you can find peace X

I think it would be rather urgent to get some kind of counselling or therapy, at least to have a wise guide to walk alongside you up to and past this milestone, and hopefully to be be able to process your trauma more broadly.
I'm so sorry for the awful loss of your DSis.

I cannot imagine the pain of the loss your family has suffered. My mother died youngish, well 49. As I approach it I have had to begin therapy. I fully expect to die young and I feel I may well go full on health anxiety crazy if I do not reign it in.

On one level, I regret having children, because I had mine late due to a long battle with infertility. It seems I was totally subsumed with that. Then I succeeded and realised I was too old and I will die soon and leave my children motherless.

Therapy has been really helpful, but I am not totally over it yet. I look at my toddler sometimes and have such a feeling of grief that I will not see her grow up. I am so determined to fill my children with love everyday, which is positive to a point, but seriously, I am grand. I am not dying. I am 44! I might actually see old age, so all the grief and drama is madness. Hard to shake off though!

It is a work in progress. Give yourself grace. Great grief leaves a massive imprint. Wishing you well!

I relate so much to your post. To the certain feeling that something ‘will’ happen, to the grief in advance of it happening. My DD tried on her prom dress this eve (I know I know, bought it v early!) and I had a massive lump in my throat, partly because she looked so lovely and I am excited for her, but partly because my sister was buried in her prom dress and, well. I probably don’t need to say any more, it’s obvious how that feels.
I wish you well too, and everyone who has posted supportive messages on this thread x

@Snugglemonkey I get this. Both of my parents died young from illness - under 50. I’m in my 40s now and assume I haven’t got long left.